Feel so sad - probably shouldn't

stardoman

My parents always do the Christmas presents when we go to their house, which was tonight. My dad looked really pleased when he handed me his present to me. It was a 3 pack of walnut whips, which I'm not that keen on. A couple of minutes later he gave my mum a large pack of Ferror Rocher which she doesn't like very much and are my favourite.

I don't understand what I've done wrong. He always expects expensive presents from me (a couple of years ago he asked for something which was £90). This year he was hinting at a particular type of rum which is over £20 a bottle (which I bought for him among other things). Its not the cost, as he never spends much. I think what has upset me is that he looked so pleased with himself and its something I don't even like. A 3 pack of Ferror Rocher would cost the same and I would be pleased with that.

It brought back memories of when my nana died 13 years ago. He gave me a cheque for £10,000 but told me that I must not spend it on myself as it was for my boys. I was on maternity leave at the time and wanted to give up work. That money would have been so helpful, but it had to be invested for my boys. Some years later we bought a car and I know my dad assumed that I had spent the money on the car and he once told me that I shouldn't have done it. But I didn't - I still have the money sitting there for when the boys are grown up. The car was bought on credit.

I guess I feel like a bit of a non entity. I now have children so I don't count anymore. It just makes me feel really sad :-(

*max*

I'm gonna be honest, I'd be pretty miffed too! I mean, if the rule is you only get chocolates for adults, then he shouldn't be "expecting" expensive presents, when he can't even get your favourite chocolate right. I know it's about the thought and everything..blah blah blah..but seriously, in this case, I think you're right to be miffed because there wasn't even any thought.

How was he towards you before you had children?

stardoman

He never bought presents when I was a child. My mum used to save her housekeeping and buy them all, but say that they were from both of them. She's sick of him being tight so stopped doing that once I was an adult.

I don't know what it is, but it felt like he was making a point. But I'm not sure what the point was? Think he knew I was upset as at the end of the night, as we were leaving, he got out an ugly old vase and said I could have it if I wanted it. I really didn't want it. Mum told me that he hadn't just bought it for me, he had bought it for her many years ago and as she thinks its ugly it has never been used. I just jokingly said that I had no need of a vase as no one ever buys me flowers.

The other odd thing was that last week he said about the rum. They always get their presents on Christmas Day when they come to us for the day. After receiving their presents my dad said 3 or 4 times that he had told us that we weren't doing presents this year. He had never said any such thing!

He isn't hard up. He's just tight and for some reason today it really bothered me. It doesn't normally.

ska_lover

Op I would be tempted to say to buy him presents of the same value that he does you. It may be that they are skint as we all have different levels of disposable income or put different levels of importance on various occasions, but deliberately choosing something you don't like seems unfair if tht is what is happening.

We have a family member that used to request expensive presents every year from us, and then send us something either from the pound shop, or wraps up something that they were going to throw away anyway. Every year we made guilt ridden trips to the charity shop or more often than not just bin the item as would feel embarrassed even giving it to charity cos it was literally rubbish.

Its not the lack of money spent, its the lack of thought put in and then they request that we spend time and money obtaining what their Christmas present wish is. I know its not about giving to receive, but after a good few years of this, we implemented a no present rule. The look on their face when they actually got nothing was priceless

MysteryMe

Next time he wants a bottle of rum buy him a miniature.

Pollycat

stardoman wrote: »

The other odd thing was that last week he said about the rum. They always get their presents on Christmas Day when they come to us for the day. After receiving their presents my dad said 3 or 4 times that he had told us that we weren't doing presents this year. He had never said any such thing!

He isn't hard up. He's just tight and for some reason today it really bothered me. It doesn't normally.

I'd get in first and say that you aren't doing presents for adults next Christmas.
Then you won't be disappointed.

If you still want to give your Mum a gift, you could always slip her some money so she can go out and buy something she wants.

It sounds to me that he's playing games by buying something that he knows will not be to the recipient's taste.

No way would I be spending £90 or even £20 on someone like that - Dad or not.

FBaby

It sounds like you just have totally different values to money. You see him as tight, he sees himself as good with money. You see yourself as trying to make the best of your money whilst enjoying yourself, he probably sees you as wasting money. So yes, he probably was making a point and it is probably why he has chosen to leave the money to your children rather than you.

You can't do anything about how your dad reacts, but you can do whatever you want towards him. Do say that you have decided that next year, you want to save money for x and therefore will only buy presents for the children.

Spendless

He probably sees that you get your Christmas present from your Mum that counts as your main present from them both even if your Mum has started buying on her own and presumably doesn't put Dads name on the tag anymore.

anamenottaken

stardoman wrote: »

It brought back memories of when my nana died 13 years ago. He gave me a cheque for £10,000 but told me that I must not spend it on myself as it was for my boys. I was on maternity leave at the time and wanted to give up work. That money would have been so helpful, but it had to be invested for my boys. Some years later we bought a car and I know my dad assumed that I had spent the money on the car and he once told me that I shouldn't have done it. But I didn't - I still have the money sitting there for when the boys are grown up. The car was bought on credit.

It's about controlling his child, isn't it.

It was the £10K which struck me. Did your nana leave a will? Was your dad her executor? Was the £10K actually gifted to you by her or was he simply making a gift of some of his inheritance from her estate. If it was that she had left the £10K to you without it being in trust for your children, then he should not have stipulated that it was not for you but for your boys - that isn't the job of an executor. If he wanted to put £10K for the boys, he should have set that up direct.

I'm afraid you have to show you are grown up and won't be dictated to by him any more.

If next Christmas, he seemed to give your mother and you chocolates which the other would prefer, you could swap them in front of him, making a joke of it.

What will you do for his birthday? Father's Day?

Twisted_Cherry

I've just had my 5th Christmas without my mum, so it was just me and dad. My dad has never really been very festive and my mum always made an effort and bought me presents to unwrap on Christmas morning - even when she was ill she still managed to get to the shops with help.


Dad needs a push to remember Christmas is approaching, I remember Christmas 1999 and how upset I felt having nothing to open - my mum had been in hospital having had a transplant and my dad did not even think of going to the local shop to buy a box of chocolates for me to open. Still I remember how lucky my mum had been getting the transplant and that made my Christmas Day.


Now five years on from her dying, I don't really expect much on Christmas Day from my dad... although he does try nowadays with a little push and a hint or two!


I tend to always go OTT with presents for him, this year, 2 sacks full of presents, I can't help myself! In a way now I don't care so much if I get nothing in return, I am happy that Dad is around and I easily remember my happier Christmas's when my mum was around!

paulineb_2

He's not tight if he gave you ten grand.

And if you had spent some of the cash on you what could he gave done about it?
Make some choices, soon.