Visiting inlaws. Some honest opinions on whether this is fair or not please?

gunsandbanjos

I think your plan sounds fine, a month living with anyone is a lot no matter how close you are.

My parents are flying out to stay with my brother for 3 weeks in Sunday in Australia and they are thinking about booking a hotel room for the last week. They are playing it by ear to see how everyone feels. They love my brother and his girlfriend but even the closest relationships can be strained in situations like this.

Errata

Take your mother's advice, she knows you and your children inside out, we don't.

Gloomendoom

I think it depends on the individual circumstances. We stay with relatives on the other side of the world for extended periods and it is no bother at all.

I can say that with some confidence as we keep getting invited back.

WillowCat

It sounds like a great compromise to me, another alternative might be to stay with them first week with hubby, then two weeks away in an apartment then back for last week? Breaks it up even more and gets away from the feeling that you're only with them when hubby is.

themull1

If it was me, I wouldn't stay with inlaws at all or even my own parents - I would rent my own space for a month and then do what I liked with my time. I would hate staying at anyones house for a fortnight, I don't even stay overnight at anyones, will always rent my own space!!

Orange_Candle

WillowCat wrote: »

It sounds like a great compromise to me, another alternative might be to stay with them first week with hubby, then two weeks away in an apartment then back for last week? Breaks it up even more and gets away from the feeling that you're only with them when hubby is.

This is what I was thinking. Makes sense to want some time with your husband, as it is your only holiday this year I am sure they would understand that you want some time with him. Maybe your children could stay with them without you for a night or two so you can have a break and they can see their grandchildren on their own? I know my grandparents always love it when they get to see us without my parents, means they can spoil us more!

gingin_2

Thanks again everyone.

It's a good point about me moving out at the exact point that OH leaves. I hadn't thought it through properly and definitely won't do that. I am very used to my inlaws and being with them on my own so I don't mind spending time with them without him.

My inlaws really want us to stay with them, I can't not do that. We have them stay with us when they visit and MIL desperately wants to reciprocate. It will be fun for a week or so but gets tiring after a while. I really don't want to rent near them, out in the suburbs it's pretty dull there and having travelled half way round the world I would like to make the most of it. I have seen a 3 bed place in the city, it can mean that they can stay with us if they want and our children can have as many sleepovers at their place as they like.

My husband wants to get it over and done with, he sees it as a duty whereas I think it could be fun if planned out well, his choice would be to stay somewhere else. We've barely had time for any family holidays and are spending more on flights alone than we have on holidays in the last 5 years so we want to make the most of it for ourselves as well as them. We've just discussed it and think it might work if we do one week with them and three at the other place.

geoffky

We rent when we are in toronto..We get serviced apartments because my wife's best friend just does not need the hassle and and we can come and go as we please....Days out on our own...

Lunar_Eclipse

We have been in this situation. My husband is from the other side of the world, his mother still lives there and I could have written this post about our visit a few years ago!

Your idea completely makes sense and isn't offensive in itself, yet having been through exactly this with my MIL, I'll sum up your potential inlaws feelings in this: "we only see you every couple of years (?) and the thought that you will be in the same country as us, but not sleeping under our roof and using our home as your base makes me feel very sad."

Interestingly I sort of get this feeling when my sister-in-law visits (she lives in another overseas country hours away and we're very close) and goes off for a few days to visit good friends. We miss them! It's not a jealousy or a desire to keep them/you trapped up, just a reflection of the close relationship and wanting to spend as much time together as possible.

Four weeks in one house is a long time! But having a nearly 14 year old and 12 year old myself, I don't really understand your comment about your 14 year old son. (Presumably he'll stay where he's told with a smile on his face, the same as the rest of you. Personally I wouldn't cloud the issue by mentioning him if you decide to talk it through with them, unless there are factors that potentially affect him only, like Aspergers or something.)

In summary, having been through this, I wouldn't rent the apartment unless your inlaws are genuinely cool with you doing so. I would tell them you can't wait to see them, will be staying on to show the kids more of the city and have been thinking about hiring somewhere in the city for convenience and also because you know 4 weeks is a long time to encroach on their space. Ask them how they feel about it: do they mind or would it upset them? Since you don't want to upset them, you'd like their thoughts on the matter.

Lunar_Eclipse

Another thought on a different way of looking at this.

Imagine your son moves to Australia and settles there, raising a family. (I have no idea how often you see him: insert your reality here with the inlaws.) He comes to visit for 2 weeks and his wife and your grandchildren stay on for another two weeks, but rent an apartment in a city near where you live. How do you *think* you would feel?