Visiting inlaws. Some honest opinions on whether this is fair or not please?

gingin_2

I was hoping for some honest opinions. I've just discussed it with my mother who sort of implied it might not be the best idea but I still think it's not a bad idea so I am hoping I might get some other honest opinions either way.

My inlaws live on the other side of the world, we haven't been back for 11 years and have decided next year to go. This will be the only family holiday we take next year.The plan is that it will be a 4 week trip for me and the children. Because OH will have to come back to work he will stay for the first two weeks leaving us out there. It's my choice to stay out longer, I lived there for over a year with OH and can't wait to go back and explore and show my children around.

My Inlaws live in a suburb of the city, about a half hour drive from the city centre, it will be winter over there. The plan I had is that for the first two weeks we will stay with my inlaws and then rent an apartment in the city for the last two weeks when my husband is not there. Inlaws are welcome over as much as they like, the children can stay as much as they like with them, we will still visit but I am sure after staying with them for 2 weeks some space will be welcome.

My mother seemed to be saying that to stay in the same city but live in a different place would be a bit offensive to them but said to stay at theirs for the 4 weeks and take some trips elsewhere to break it up. I don't really want to do that because it's winter, any trips to anywhere decent would require paying for more flights and really I would just like to stay in the area where I used to live for the final 2 weeks (it's a vibrant area by the water with lots for us to do in the day and evenings). Just to reiterate my inlaws are welcome to spend as much time as they like with us and we will still visit them while we are there.

My inlaws are sweet people, we get on well, have no fallings out but having had them stay with us many times for long periods of time it gets tiresome, I can imagine it will be no different in us going out there. I thought two weeks with them would be fair to them ( they would love us to stay for the 4 weeks with them, I am sure), then 2 weeks in our own accommodation would be perfect. Is it really that rude?

Just to add I am thinking of my son here, too. He will be 14 when we are out there. He's a typical teenage boy and I think 4 weeks in someone else's house might be a little hard going on him when there are other options.

Please be honest. I don't want to offend anyone but would like to be able to have some breathing space with my children to rest and relax.

Tiglath

It sounds like a sensible solution to me - I'd discuss it with your inlaws. Your mother may be projecting how she'd feel and her own possible feeling of rejection; your inlaws might really like the idea, or they might hate it. I certainly don't think it's rude.

Brighton_belle

Well my parent's, in your in-law situation would have thought this a very sensible idea (and while utterly delighted to see you would also have found 4 weeks of house guests too much). They also would have seen it as fairer and easier for the children.


I think it is a great idea. I am a great believer in explaining plans to avoid mis-understanding though.

gingin_2

Tiglath wrote: »

It sounds like a sensible solution to me - I'd discuss it with your inlaws. Your mother may be projecting how she'd feel and her own possible feeling of rejection; your inlaws might really like the idea, or they might hate it. I certainly don't think it's rude.

To be perfectly honest I am sure they would want us there the whole time and I think there would be a small feeling of rejection on their part but I have to think of us too and I think it's a fair compromise. I am just thinking of past experiences of them visiting us and it gets so intense that this seemed like a wise option to me.

My mum is normally "on my side" so I was surprised by her response ( she meant it in a nice way).

Thank you

January20

I think it's a good idea but the key is to communicate properly with your in-laws so they understand.

Do you have friends in the area too? That would be a extra "excuse" as you wouldn't want to force your friends on your in-laws, would you?

indsty

Would it be possible to keep staying with the inlaws for the last two weeks but plan a few days away somewhere else just for you and the children to break up the time.

To be honest, I think if I were the inlaws it would seem a bit strange for you to go off and stay somewhere else as soon as their son had gone, but wouldn't think it odd for you to add in a trip somewhere - especially to cater for your 14 year old's interests.

How about a week away in the middle of the last fortnight to break it up.

whitewing

I love my own space so normally I'd agree with your plans. However, if you are chilled out anyway as you're on holiday, I think you run the risk of actually having booked accommodation that you wish you hadn't booked.


I'd actually say have the money available that you can move out if you want at the time. (Assuming that if it's winter, decent alternative accommodation will be available).


The extra money will give you more flexibility. You may find simply going out for the day without the extended family and eating together at night gives everyone enough of a break from each other.

peachyprice

My parents never stay with my brother and his family when they visit him in Australia, they rent a house a short drive away, everyone is happy, they visit my brother regularly and still have time to themselves, It seems the best solution all round and nobody is in the least bit offended.

Person_one

I think the issue with your plan is that it sends the message to your in-laws that you're only staying there because of their son, that once he's gone you and the children no longer feel 'connected' to them or like family.

I understand that you'll want a bit of space, but dashing away at the earliest opportunity seems a bit unnecessarily hurtful. Could you stay with them for the third week and then have the final week somewhere else?

FBaby

Really it all depends on how they are likely to react. I do find the suggestion that they could visit (the flat you will be renting?) quite insulting, and if you do say that you will still go and see them, make sure you do, or it will just come up as a get out clause and be insulting too.

If I were in your shoes, either I would come clean and say that you think it might all become a bit too much very everyone after two weeks and therefore think it will probably be easier to do it this way, or, if I believed this was likely to cause trouble but the alternative of you staying there all 4 weeks is just too much for you, I would just say that you are only coming down for 2 weeks and then move without telling them. You don't have to make up a huge story, after all, why would they not assume you would be going back with your husband?

mummyroysof3

I totally understand the need for space. I stayed at my mums for 5 days with the kids and was itching to get home by then. I think it's going to be down to sussing out how they feel about it tbh. After discussing it with them then make a decision