How often do your children see their father?

bucksliz

My ex and I are trying to sort out how often he sees our 2 children.

At the moment he sees them 2 evenings a week and Sunday afternoon and evening. He is now in a position to have them to stay the night at his place but he seems reluctant to do so. This could be because he has recently moved in with his girlfriend. I would like to start going out a bit more myself and don't really like to ask him to have them to stay so I can go out. It feels like it's none of his business!

I would like him to have them to stay every other weekend and still see them one evening in the week. I love them dearly but I am ready to start building relationships again after their Dad shat on me from a great height!

I would appreciate any guidance here. Am I expecting too much? Is it reasonable to ask him to commit to having them to stay on a regular basis?

jopsey

How old are the children ? maybe discuss this with children if they are old enough .
I think that is a resonable request ,My SS came to DP every weekend as he worked shift work in the week , It really is beyond me that *new* girlfriend's have problems with partners kid's IMO it's the whole package or nothing

Elle00

If it took two people to make your children why do you think you are unreasonable in wanting to share some of the responsibilies with the other person?

You don't have to be chained to your children 24/7 and no-one should try to make you feel bad for wanting to have a life and be a person in your own right just because you're a Mother. I know some women still feel like they have to be at home every day and night until their children reach 18 but in this day and age that really is the exception rather than the norm. Heck we even have careers these days. :T

If he has been happy to use you as a babysitter seven days a week for however many years then please do not feel guilty that you want to use him as one for one or two nights a week! It does NOT make you a bad Mother in fact the rest will make you a better one.

If you are happy with the way contact has been then talk to your children if they're old enough to understand and then ask their Dad. Maybe put it to him that it would be nicer if he could share more of the care so you can share in more fun as well as responsibilities? And in fairness, I'm sure it would be nice for the children with Dad letting them eat ice cream in front of the telly at 10pm every weekend saying "don't tell your Mother" :rotfl:

If he doesn't want to help, I'm all out of suggestions I'm afraid. My ex and I have had nothing but problems since day 1 because he wants to do what he wants to do and I should shut-up and do it. Personally, I expect I'll be paying for a babysitter in future.

comping_cat

Im afraid i cant give much advice here, my ex 'shat' on me from a great height to, took me to court to ask for visiting rights - which he was getting, he only needed to actually speak to me about it!!! and now sees the children, prob once every 2 months (saw them just before xmas, then a day in Feb, April and a couple of hours last week!!!) When he asks, they go, but DD refuses to sleep over, so some times he sees her on the doorstep for a couple of minutes when he collects DS, and then a couple more minutes when he drops DS home - and wonders why she wont stay!!!

amazamum

Hi,I can only say from my experience.
When my dh and I got together 11 years ago he already had 2 daughters,then aged 7 and 5,he would have them from a friday night after picking them up from school until dropping them back off at school monday morning,although it meant that we could not go out on a weekend that didn't bother either of us as we could do"family things".
This actually lasted until about 2 years ago when they were wanting to do things with their own friends,although we still see them and talk to them on the phone regularly.
We now have 2 children of our own so we still can't go out weekends lol and all siblings get along brilliantly( they also have 3 other younger brothers at their mothers house).
I also get a mothers day card from them which I think is lovely.

All I can suggest is that yourself and their father actually sit down and decide on visitation after of course consulting the kids(dependant on their age).

good luck

*Louise*

I don't think you are being unreasonable asking him to have them overnight once a week, even if it is so you can go out...hey - you need a life as well!!!! :beer:

You have them the rest of the week, why shouldn't he do his bit. (I assume you're happy for them to stay with his new g/f as well?)

hobo28

As a resident parent myself I don't think what you are asking is unreasonable at all. I think the majority here would agree.

But at the end of the day, what we think is irrelevent. Its what your ex thinks that counts. You can't force someone to have your children so if he refuses what can you do? Pretty much nothing.

January20

I agree with the others who say that you are not unreasonable to want your children to stay over at their Dad's. Ever since we separated my DD has been going to her dad's overnight one evening every weekend. It was really hard at first as she was quite young but then I grew to enjoy that time to myself, and now I resent it if she doesn't go as I don't get "me" time - I have felt guilty over that but good friends have help me see sense.

Just as Elle says, it takes two to make children. When he sees the children has to suit you as well as him so you can start rebuilding your life. And a regular arrangement will be great for the children because it will give them stability.

Becles

Try and get him to see them as much as possible. They're his children too and he is just as responsible for their care as you are.

Mine only sees our children for a few hours every 6-8 weeks, and refuses to have them overnight or for weekends. He's totally lost touch with them. They don't like him as he still treats them like the toddlers they were when he left (they're 10 and 8 now!). If he'd had them more often, he would have seen them grow up and I think they would have a better relationship than they do now.

poppyscorner

I agree with every post you have had so far.

My experience of it is this when I met hubby 6yrs ago he had a 1 yr old dd at for the first couple of years (and now sometimes if the mood takes her) his ex was very difficult about her visiting us it was once a week for 4hrs no more unless she wanted a babysitter for any reason and couldn't get anyone else then hubby would also jump at the chance of that.

It was this way for a number of years and a constant battle her mother stopped her attending our wedding where she wanted to be bridesmaid but her mother met someone new and has mellowed alot since then she gets married later this year and their dd is now 7 access has changed a great deal now as a rule it is a full w/end day one week then the following week is overnight either fri or sat.

Ex also rings hubby to pick dd up from school sometimes and give her her tea which is also a bonus to us and because of dd age and the fact that hubby has taught her our phone number she can also ring when she wants to come i.e this week she rang on wed night and asked hubby if she could come for tea thursday so he picked her up from school and she came then last night (Fri) she rang and asked if she could come to stay so he went and got her and she stayed and is staying all day today and this way all access is on dd's terms which IMHO is a good thing there are also times when she is out with her friends or with a relative she sees less often and doesn't want to come and that is fine too she will just come for tea one night through the week.

At the minute it works well for all parties so I guess it depends on your kids too and if they want to go there his new G/F should be accepting your kids and but out of any arrangements with you as I have never entered into conversation with our ex about anything other than small talk I don't think its any of my business and wouldn't apreciate someone sticking their nose into our childrens arrangements.

You will work something out and you are doing the right thing by giving him as many opportunities as possible to see his children the only thing is if he doesn't want to then he won't and as s**t as that is there isn't much you can do about it but don't feel guilty about any of it you are entitled to a life too and why shouldn't you go out hell he has moved on why shouldn't you.

Hope you work it out

Poppy

outrageous_monkey

Do you know or chat to his girlfriend? That could be one way of getting them to have the children more.

Thats how I got my son to start going to his dads every other weekend. Up until I met his girlfriend (now wife), he was hardly going at all. Once we became 'friends' that soon changed and he started to go and stay. However, he doesnt go at all now, but thats a whole different story, but for me, making friends with the new partner worked well. My ex's reason why he wouldnt have our son so I could go was 'i'm not looking after him whilst you go out [EMAIL="sh@ggin.........nice"]sh@ggin.........nice[/EMAIL]! Ex's, dont you just love 'em!