Single mums how do you cope.

nikki11

Don't be down on yourself lonelymummy, you are doing a great job of really being two parents!! I'm married and still find motherhood tough, so I take my hat off to anyone in your situation! As someone else mentioned, if you have a Surestart centre local to you, they are great for courses/classes and it gets you out of the house and meeting other mums/adults!! Do you have friends that you could invite round to your house-save spending a fortune going out? Also I'm sure your mum and dad are glad to give you a hand sometimes, even for a couple of hours to have a bath in peace or get your hair done (always brightens me up )

FBaby

yes, absolutely. To suggest the experience of only 'real' single mums is valid is ridiculous. There are plenty of working mums, non-working mums, mums with partners who work away...endless list of people who potentially have good advice in situations like these. Only we're not good enough. So I shall flounce.

I can totally understand what OP means. When I became a single mum (children 4yo and 18m), working full-time with very limited support, I used to get a bit annoyed with other single mums who went on about how hard it was when they could call their mum any time to come and help if their kids were ill or they needed a shoulder to cry on, needed do do some shopping without tired kids to drag along, or they got a date and could just drop their kids at mum... same with those whose ex were reliable with contact.

In my case, I had no family to help, my ex was very unreasonable with contact and only had the kids to start with a couple of hours on Saturday...if he didn't have anything else to do. I was going through a restructure at work (went on for 18 months) and was the most likely staff to be made redundant (as last in) so couldn't afford to take too much time off or expect too much flexibility. The stress of having no-one to rely on was huge and yes, the loneliness in the evening when I finally got the chance to consider things.

OP, the way I dealt with it was by taking things a day at a time. Most of the time, I was too tired to analyse my situation too much as my thoughts were overwhelmed with thinking about how to deal with all the situations I had to plan for. When I did, I told myself that everything I did would pay off one day and I would just keep going until I got there. It was really hard at various time, but the good thing is the more you rely on yourself, the more you are in control and the more you learn to cope, the better you get at it. You become so much stronger than most. It did pay off for me, after 5 years a single full-time working mum on my own, I managed to meet someone wonderful on the internet. That in itself was a challenged as getting time to meet someone alone demanded much stressful planning, but again, I took it step by step and we got there, moved in together after 2 years, married after 4.

Clearingout, I am very surprised by your words. You seem to have forgotten that you too went through a phase when you wondered how you would cope and felt that everyone else had it easier than you. You've done well for yourself and now are more in control of your single parent life, but it wasn't always the case. A few of your posts recently have been quite aggressive and I am not sure why.

jetplane

OP I'm not a single parent but I'm not offended, I can see why you reached out to people in the same situation. This is a national forum and although it asks that we be kind to newbies unfortunately not everyone who posts on here is nice.

If you go into userCP there is an edit ignore list which you can add a name to should you feel the need and then you can't see the posts. You can also click on the report icon on a post if you feel they are abusive.

I'm sure there will be lots of people on here who can offer you positive advice. :A

FBaby

I forgot to ask, if you don't mind, how long are you expected to be off sick? However hard I found juggling work and being a single parent that it did help me with my mood because as I mentioned in my previous post, I was most of the time too busy or exhausted to have much energy left to think and was just glad when I had a few minutes for myself once the kids were in bed to just zone out of the world. In a way, it was a blessing as it kept me going even if at time I cried with the frustration of exhaustion. Yet I always managed to find the energy I needed to keep going and it did get easier and easier in many ways as the kids became gradually more independent and as I became more confident doing it all on my own.

fabforty

lonelymummy wrote: »

Oh thank you I cant keep quoting everyone but yes I am already stronger than I thought I would be and I do have many positives in my life. Muddle through seems like good advice to me. I too have a washing mountain and dishes in the sink.

There are days when I do not see another adult and days where I cant have 5 mins without my child until bedtime. Things like realising I don't have enough milk for the breakfast on an evening and I cant go out to get some.

My child is my life and when i look at him through eyes that sting with tiredness my heart melts. I'm going to bed now but thank you for keeping me company and showing me that it can be done.

One last word clearingout I may be lonely but I am relieved that I am not so bitter as to feel the need to be so spiteful. And I can go to bed knowing that compared to you I'm actually not that stressed. Thankfully I have had other replies because I would have felt a hundred times worse reading yours.

I should start by saying that my Smilies aren't working, so imagine a smiley face here - in other words, I'm not having a dig.


You did mention that you have parents who could help out at a push - which of course, is good.


To be fair, I don't think that Clearingout was trying to be spiteful or bitter - I understand the point that she and another poster were trying to make.


You have a family, a job and receive regular child maintenance so no financial worries, and despite this you feel lonely and isolated.
Other single mums, who possibly have an ex who will have the children occasionally (as your parents could for you perhaps?) or a boyfriend who has no real obligation to your child so cannot be relied upon to drop everything at a moments notice if need be (if child is ill for example), will often times feel as lonely as you do. They will also struggle on a daily basis, trying to juggle everything childcare, jobs (those that are fortunate enough to be able to work), home life and generally being mother and father on a daily basis, without daily support from another. Taking a bath or shower in peace, or just having 5 minutes to themselves is just as much a luxury to them as it is to you.
They are still 'real' single parents and could probably give you as much advice and support as the rest. I think that was the point that she was trying to make (imagine Smiley face here).



I know that you are off sick at the moment, but are you well enough to take your son to baby/toddler groups at the moment? That will at least get you out of the house and talking to other adults. I am not a single parent, but I bought myself a few extra hours each week by using an ironing service. I can't go out and paint the town but it's one less job for me to do.
Also try Mumsnet and Netmums for tips on things to do and places to go with your son.

ETA - My BIL works on oil rigs so is away for several months at a time. Not a single mother in the true sense f the word, but she could have written your post.

duchy

lonelymummy wrote: »

I do not mean offence but I can truly say that I did not understand the isolation of being on your own with a child until it happened. I have friends who are single parents but they have boyfriends to keep them company and ex fathers who take their child overnight or babysit. They tell me this helps a lot.

You don't have a partner but you do have parents who give you support (and maybe would babysit). The phrase "Life is what you make it" is never so true as when you're a single parent. Even if you didn't have a child -being newly single is tough as you feel the whole world is going two by two (they aren't it just feels that way) and you have to build a new social circle in many ways.

First Christmases are always rough and you're probably feeling it more at the moment with all those cliched adverts that bombard us-Just remember there are thousands of families who don't fit the cliche.

Use the internet to help if you feel less isolated in the evenings ...I don't mean dating sites (unless you want to) but just to find people with similar interests to chat to, whether it's a hobby, an interest in a particular type of music or even a Mum's site and if your parents will babysit once in a while...take them up on it -whether that is for a night of socilising or some "me time".

Many of us have walked the path you are walking right now-and we will all tell you ...it gets better-and faster than you think !

FBaby

I think there is a big difference between having parents who are available as and when required and this support comes with no expectation, no judgement, no making you feel that you should be kissing their feet in thanks and those who clearly make it clear they are giving you a huge favours.

Some of my friends have parents who just adore looking after their grand children, who they only have to call saying 'hey mum, you don't have anything on tonight do you? Great, I'm off with my friend so I'll drop the kids over if that is ok' and the response ies 'of course darling, you don't need to ask, you know they can come anytime and we never go out in the evenings any way' and 'Hello, how are you? Everything ok with you? I hope you don't mind, but I have a course I need to go to next week, it's to do with my job, but it is in the evening and I was wondering if maybe you might be able to look after x for this one occasion. It's a one off, it's just that I can't get a babysitter and you said to call you if I ever needed help' and you get 'oh, next week, that's a bit short notice, I'll have to ask Mr because he gets very tired at the moment. Did you ask your neighbour, it might be easier if she looks after her. What is this course anyway, shouldn't your job be arranging something during the day, etc....

Being a single working mum with no family I had to rely on the few people I could ask to help, but I hated doing it because I never that relationship with them when it was ok to expect them to help. People did help at times, and sometimes they just didn't and after they refused, I never dared ask again. I also felt under pressure to reciprocate, which I always wanted to do, but it was always easy to do so.

So again, I can understand what the OP might be referring to. It is hugely stressful to be working full-time and have so few people you can just contact at the last minute and know they will be there to help.

pollyanna24

ska_lover wrote: »

I don't think the OP is stand offish at all, I think she explains herself in a perfectly frank and understandable way.

Are you this bitter, in real life?

I haven't read through all the replies yet, but I must admit when I first read what the OP wrote when I was about to go bed last night, I didn't respond as it also "irked" me as to what she classes a "real" single mum.


My ex takes my girls every other weekend and I spend this time working normally. I get maintenance for them as he is not a complete !!!!.


But I am still a single mum! I was left when my two were 2 and 2 months and geez found it incredibly difficult for about 2 years! Yes, I had my mum, but she was working full time and back then my ex didn't see them as much.


We are all mums, just some single, some in a relationship, some with help, some with none. But we all have problems and just shouldn't assume we have it harder because of our situation, cos there will always be someone else who has it harder (or maybe just with diff problems).


And believe me I do feel for the OP, I know how hard it is.


But... you will get through it. I'm taking my time about it all, it's almost been three years.


I think all the suggestions from other posters have been great, and it is true. It does get better as they get older.

lonelymummy

It would appear that REAL is a four letter word in more ways than one. I did apologise and yes I could have worded it better. It would seem that most who have replied know what I meant and most who were offended have ignored my post.

The reason I asked is just like fbaby said its unhelpful when people compare when it's not like for like. My ex not seeing our child has less to do with me having time alone and more to do with him rejecting his child. OK so he doesn't want to make an effort for me and that hurts but it hurts so much more that he can't make time to see his son. Yes he pays maintenance because he knew the CSA would eventually make him, and he pays it direct so that he always has proof. I would rather my son had his time over his money.

I don't feel sorry for myself but I do find it difficult to cope. I had a traumatic birth and was diagnosed with PND I do think as ska lover said that maybe I'm feeling a bit depressed and have taken a dip over the last 6 months. Work have been difficult refusing to drop my hours and Christmas is looming as duchy mentioned.

I'm going to have a look on mumsnet and maybe a word with my GP. But do you know what just listening to what most of you are saying validates how I feel. It's normal to feel this lonely, it's normal to have a pile of washing and not be able to keep on top of everything. It's normal to resent it when people say they know how I feel when they don't, it's normal for people to offer to help and then not. I am not failing.

Thank you for all of your tips on grabbing what time I can and telling me how hard this is but showing me it can be done x

moodydonkey

OP this site was actually how I coped, will probably sound really sad now but I am a very insular person. Now with my man but I was single for 7 years with my two girls. I went out rarely and can honestly say all my spare time I spent on here and I loved it. Not on here now much but such lovely people and always somewhere to be welcome and chat.