Single mums how do you cope.

ska_lover

lonelymummy wrote: »

I do not mean offence but I can truly say that I did not understand the isolation of being on your own with a child until it happened. I have friends who are single parents but they have boyfriends to keep them company and ex fathers who take their child overnight or babysit. They tell me this helps a lot.

Yes I would tend to agree with you

The crippling alone feeling at night, and having no one to share your problems with cannot compare to having a boyfriend pop round for a bit of company.

I am not by any means saying that it declassifies a person as a single parent if they do have a boyfriend, or girlfriend, just that they could not comprehend how lonely the feeling is night after night. It is extreamly isolating

WantToBeSE

ska_lover wrote: »

Yes I would tend to agree with you

The crippling alone feeling at night, and having no one to share your problems with cannot compare to having a boyfriend pop round for a bit of company.

I am not by any means saying that it declassifies a person as a single parent if they do have a boyfriend, or girlfriend, just that they could not comprehend how lonely the feeling is night after night.

couldnt agree more. Also not having mums, sisters, aunts etc to take the children for a day/weekend/2 mins is hard!

bellevie

Hi LM.

I have been for 5 years. Once I found my feet, they have turned out to be the best 5 years of my life to date!

Of course, there are stresses, but those stresses could also be their in a relationship, or if not replaced with a lot of other issues.

I personally found I was and am happier working. When LO fell ill as a baby I had to leave work. The first 3-4 months were the most depressing times, I could go for weeks without speaking a word to another adult.

Someone on a forum - netmums I think, suggested surestart centres. Now surestart vary from area to area, but in my last area they were fantastic, there was a group on most days, story time, messy play, outdoor play. Some were free, others were donations, 20p, 50p etc. They varied in time between 30 mins-1.5 hrs. I forced myself to go to every one, started bit by bit chatting to the other mums, started to meet them for play dates at the park & my social circle expanded from then.

In the holidays when things were quiet, I saved money for a trip to the seaside, visiting free parks, swimming, went to the library more often, soft play, and in between I aimed to get my shopping every couple of days so I would be forced to get out of the house, experimented with cheap recipes, got the paddling pool out, went for a buggy walk around town, anything to pass time and keep LO entertained I guess.

Re the illness, I cant help with that I still struggle 5 years on, ill= no work= unpaid= childcare still needs paying + boss on my case = stress. I haven't found a solution to this yet, just praying LO grows out of it eventually.

Household, little things putting a load of washing on over night drying it in the morning. Getting clothes out the night before. Other than that I take it as it comes, if Ive got more energy one day I can blitz the house, other times it just has to wait.

Do you attend any groups with LO? Are there any other friends off with children that you could meet up with?

You are off work sick, is it likely to be a long term scenario, or are you hoping to be back soon? Have you found childcare for when/if you go back?

Your tiredness, you may find that doing the same thing day in day out, no break from the cycle can make you feel low which can make you feel tired. Does LO generally sleep through? Do you sleep well at night?

clearingout

lonelymummy wrote: »

When I say this I mean real single mums not those who have a boyfriend, not those who have an ex who helps out or sees his baby. Not those who live with family I mean single as in you and your baby.

My partner left in June when our baby was one. He does not help look after our child and neither do any of his family. My mum and dad help more than they should but they both work full time.

I receive maintenance direct into my bank account so that it is traceable. It is voluntary but based on CSA calculation. I am employed but currently on sick leave. I receive child benefits child tax credit and working tax credit. I do not get housing or council tax benefit as it is council property so low rent.

well, maybe your rather odd statement that only 'real' single mums need give advice would be a good start to getting support? are you so stand-offish in real life? For me, 'real' single mums are those who work full time, receive no support from their children's other parent in practical, financial or emotional terms and who have no close family or friends to fall back on when times are tough. So if you receive maintenance, you're no more a 'real' single mum than I am for having an ex who turns up every other weekend to spend 24 hours with his children.

My ex sees our children. I don't receive any maintenance and I work full-time in a demanding job. I have three children - the youngest of which was born after he had left me for another woman. I coped with the sleepless nights and two other children under 5 and indeed, today have delivered 5 lessons in a secondary school having been up at 2am with a vomiting 4 year old. I am here now because I still have a lesson plan to work on for tomorrow - I really need to go to bed! I don't receive any support from my ex in terms of decision-making or arranging childcare or taking to activities or doctors appointments. I bought my own house, pay my own bills, arrange my own contractors to mend my house, my car and anything else.... What is not 'real' about that?

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and see the positive. You have a child who you have sole care of and who you get to bring up in whatever way suits you best. You get the tough stuff, yes, but you also get the good stuff. Why is the ex out of the picture?

lonelymummy

sweetme wrote: »

I don't cope, I just get on with it, there's really no other way.

I'm a single mum to four, two teenage girls, one teenage boy and a 6 year old boy. I've been on my own with them for five years now. I left their Dad when my oldest was 13, she's now almost 18. He doesn't see them. He re-married within months of our divorce and he just stopped coming. I work full-time, I do this more for my sanity though. I'd have gone insane if I'd stayed home. Work is my escape.

I can completely empathise with your tiredness, I live in a constant state of exhaustion, I think my body has just adapted to it though. It's hard, and like you say being a single mum can be an extremely lonely thing too.

Your wee one will get older, and the sleepless nights and constant need for attention will wane as he/she gets older. Are you full-time employed? If you're part-time are there any mother/toddler groups nearby? You could meet a lot of like-minded people. Do you have a Health Visitor? She could be a great source of information and help too.

I browse here of an evening if I am feeling a bit at a loss for company.

You will also find a lot of support with things on MSE.

I'm not sure if anything I've written is really of any support , just know with how you feel you're not alone :A

I was returning to work for 30 hours but that was with a childminder and my partner helping with childcare. Due to my shift pattern it is not possible to do these hours on my own so I will need to reduce my hours when I return from sick leave and my current employer will not offer me an alternative.

I have been to some local groups but truthfully sometimes I am so tired that if my baby takes a nap then so do I and sometimes I just don't seem to get myself organised in time so end up not going and then I feel guilty for this.

I have rang my health visitor who posted some sure start information to me but she does not visit. What you have written is helpful I sometimes feel that no one understands why I am so tired all of the time or this feeling of loneliness. I am sure returning to work will help both me and my baby as we will both have other company.

ska_lover

clearingout wrote: »

well, maybe your rather odd statement that only 'real' single mums need give advice would be a good start to getting support? are you so stand-offish in real life? For me, 'real' single mums are those who work full time, receive no support from their children's other parent in practical, financial or emotional terms and who have no close family or friends to fall back on when times are tough. So if you receive maintenance, you're no more a 'real' single mum than I am for having an ex who turns up every other weekend to spend 24 hours with his children.

My ex sees our children. I don't receive any maintenance and I work full-time in a demanding job. I have three children - the youngest of which was born after he had left me for another woman. I coped with the sleepless nights and two other children under 5 and indeed, today have delivered 5 lessons in a secondary school having been up at 2am with a vomiting 4 year old. I am here now because I still have a lesson plan to work on for tomorrow - I really need to go to bed! I don't receive any support from my ex in terms of decision-making or arranging childcare or taking to activities or doctors appointments. I bought my own house, pay my own bills, arrange my own contractors to mend my house, my car and anything else.... What is not 'real' about that?

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and see the positive. You have a child who you have sole care of and who you get to bring up in whatever way suits you best. You get the tough stuff, yes, but you also get the good stuff. Why is the ex out of the picture?

I don't think the OP is stand offish at all, I think she explains herself in a perfectly frank and understandable way.

Are you this bitter, in real life?

clearingout

ska_lover wrote: »

I don't think the OP is stand offish at all, I think she explains herself in a perfectly frank and understandable way.

Are you this bitter, in real life?

yes, absolutely. To suggest the experience of only 'real' single mums is valid is ridiculous. There are plenty of working mums, non-working mums, mums with partners who work away...endless list of people who potentially have good advice in situations like these. Only we're not good enough. So I shall flounce.

ska_lover

lonelymummy wrote: »

I was returning to work for 30 hours but that was with a childminder and my partner helping with childcare. Due to my shift pattern it is not possible to do these hours on my own so I will need to reduce my hours when I return from sick leave and my current employer will not offer me an alternative.

I have been to some local groups but truthfully sometimes I am so tired that if my baby takes a nap then so do I and sometimes I just don't seem to get myself organised in time so end up not going and then I feel guilty for this.

I have rang my health visitor who posted some sure start information to me but she does not visit. What you have written is helpful I sometimes feel that no one understands why I am so tired all of the time or this feeling of loneliness. I am sure returning to work will help both me and my baby as we will both have other company.

They do understand mate. Don't be hard on yourself, it is early days and you are still readjusting.

After all, your current reality is not one that you had envisaged or planned for, it is a massive shock to you, so go easy on yourself.

To be honest OP, don't take this wrong, but you may be mildly depressed hun, being very tired may well be an indicator of this. It wouldn't be so surprising if you were depressed as you have been through a lot

lonelymummy

marisco wrote: »

Don't try to be a one woman army. Asking for help, support and advice does not mean you are weak or will be judged. It is a huge sign of strength and would show that you have a real sense of self worth.

Nobody can do something 24/7 without any other outlet in their life to look forward to and enjoy and be okay. Take that from someone who ignored that advice herself and paid the price for it. Think of the aeroplane rule, apply your own oxygen mask before trying to help others. If you keel over from the strain then you will be no good to anyone.

I have been in a similar situation to where you are now. I promise you as they get older it does get easier. Take care and I wish you all the best.

Yes I feel like a burden when I ask for help and only have my mum and dad who do help. Friends tell me they will help if they can but when I did ask they were busy or working so then I stopped asking. I have a lot of anger towards my ex for not helping with his child and that probably saps my energy. I think I may have to start asking again thank you.

ska_lover

clearingout wrote: »

yes, absolutely. To suggest the experience of only 'real' single mums is valid is ridiculous. There are plenty of working mums, non-working mums, mums with partners who work away...endless list of people who potentially have good advice in situations like these. Only we're not good enough. So I shall flounce.

Flounce? LOL do you do a lot of flouncing? :rotfl:

Chill out, that isn't what the OP meant.

The OP is actually a working mum herself