Single mums how do you cope.

lonelymummy

Hello my mother suggested I visit this site to get money tips when my partner left me in June. I have been looking at the forum and see there are other people in my position. I am looking for advice and ideas on how you cope as a single mum.

When I say this I mean real single mums not those who have a boyfriend, not those who have an ex who helps out or sees his baby. Not those who live with family I mean single as in you and your baby.

My partner left in June when our baby was one. He does not help look after our child and neither do any of his family. My mum and dad help more than they should but they both work full time.

I receive maintenance direct into my bank account so that it is traceable. It is voluntary but based on CSA calculation. I am employed but currently on sick leave. I receive child benefits child tax credit and working tax credit. I do not get housing or council tax benefit as it is council property so low rent.

With advice from my mother and help from this site I am budgeting for myself and child.

I am constantly tired and I am so lonely especially of an evening. I am stuck. I have few friends and they are either with their own families on an evening or out having fun.

How do you other mums do this, work, look after your child, run the household, shop and budget, cope with sleepless nights and when baby is unwell. How do you cope when having a wee in peace is a luxury.

scottish_lassy

Hello LM, I have been where you are although was unemployed, no maintenance (never did), was actually homeless at one stage and had to live in a caravan for two years. You are very lucky to have your family near you who can offer some amount of help. You must remember that there is a big difference between being alone and lonely - I was extremely lonely in my marraige.
Financial budgeting is difficult and not being able to afford a packet of biscuits, let alone a night out is hard. Your child is young and will not remember these hard times and you will end up having a wonderful, close relationship with your child and although this is tiring just now, will be well worth it. Charity shops are a godsend and meal planning is a must.

You have to learn to pat yourself on the back for every day your child goes to bed content and give yourself credit for a job well done.

itsanne

lonelymummy wrote: »

When I say this I mean real single mums not those who have a boyfriend, not those who have an ex who helps out or sees his baby. Not those who live with family I mean single as in you and your baby.

I suspect you've just offended quite a few people who could help you out. It might be worth widening the circle of potential support .

sweetme

I don't cope, I just get on with it, there's really no other way.

I'm a single mum to four, two teenage girls, one teenage boy and a 6 year old boy. I've been on my own with them for five years now. I left their Dad when my oldest was 13, she's now almost 18. He doesn't see them. He re-married within months of our divorce and he just stopped coming. I work full-time, I do this more for my sanity though. I'd have gone insane if I'd stayed home. Work is my escape.

I can completely empathise with your tiredness, I live in a constant state of exhaustion, I think my body has just adapted to it though. It's hard, and like you say being a single mum can be an extremely lonely thing too.

Your wee one will get older, and the sleepless nights and constant need for attention will wane as he/she gets older. Are you full-time employed? If you're part-time are there any mother/toddler groups nearby? You could meet a lot of like-minded people. Do you have a Health Visitor? She could be a great source of information and help too.

I browse here of an evening if I am feeling a bit at a loss for company.

You will also find a lot of support with things on MSE.

I'm not sure if anything I've written is really of any support , just know with how you feel you're not alone :A

marisco_2

Don't try to be a one woman army. Asking for help, support and advice does not mean you are weak or will be judged. It is a huge sign of strength and would show that you have a real sense of self worth.

Nobody can do something 24/7 without any other outlet in their life to look forward to and enjoy and be okay. Take that from someone who ignored that advice herself and paid the price for it. Think of the aeroplane rule, apply your own oxygen mask before trying to help others. If you keel over from the strain then you will be no good to anyone.

I have been in a similar situation to where you are now. I promise you as they get older it does get easier. Take care and I wish you all the best.

ska_lover

Hi Lonely mummy,

I thought I would post because I was a single parent for 14 years, although not anymore, I totally empathise with your situation and have always believed that single parents should be held in high esteem as it is such a very hard job.

I am very sorry your OH left. Mine walked out when my son was 3 months old, literally walked out without a word and never saw again for nearly two decades. Never a penny in child support and no local family to help me out.

I think sweetme hits it on the head by saying you cope because you have to - you never realise how strong you are until you have to be

It sounds like you already have great support from your mum & dad, and the fact you have a job is fabulous - those are very positive aspects.

I know exactly what you mean about the lonely evenings hun. Those lonely long evenings when you sit thinking. Try and not get too down and dwell and you could use this time to perhaps do an online course or maybe pamper yourself. Utilise your parents to babysit even just one evening a month so you can get out and have fun with friends! Never feel bad about having a life of your own outside of the household. Never. You need it to keep you sane.

Other ways of meeting might be - I joined a mother and toddler group, which helped me meet other people in the same situation as me, and built up a couple of really good friends who were also single mums, and we used to have an evening a month at each others houses, all the kids bedded down and wine and pizza evening. It was our release and I thank god for those evenings! I also did a college evening course one night a week which one of these friends would babysit for a couple of hours for me.

If getting out of the house is difficult re babysitters, there are open uni courses, some of which are free

Budgeting will come with practise and meal planning if you look on the old style boards, they are brilliant over there and can come up with brilliant ideas. Meals like soups, (tin of tomatoes, a handful of lentils, a pinch of basil, an onion, and a pinch of paprika) make a wonderful soup for pennies and last a couple of days and very healthy.

Make sure you get all your benefits you are entitled to, things like the 25% council tax single persons discount or free prescriptions may not be something that immediately spring to mind, but im sure you would be entitled.

Back when I was on my own, I didn't have internet access, couldn't have afforded it as was more expensive then, but now the information is out there if you look for it, there are loads of single parent groups, I think surestart and gingerbread, although there were none in my area.

Be stringent with your household bills, do a go compare on your utilities and see if you can get them cheaper, if there are any corners to be cut, things that aren't neccesarily basics, sky tv, phone or other things, have a think if you feel you can live without them. Stay away from bad debt, credit cards, pay day loans etc

Never let anyone run you down.

The last thing I will say is remember things will not be like this forever. They really won't. It feels like five minutes ago I was in your situation now my kids have gone off to Uni, so that proves another point, that just cos they are from a single parent household, does certainly not mean that your children have less opportunities if they want them when they are older

Good luck hun

bossymoo

Agree with sweetme, not cope but muddle through. I work p/t and have a 3yo and 4yo. Bottom line is, you have to get help. It's not possible to do everything to perfection (even when not flying solo). And it does get easier. I was widowed 2 yrs ago, two kids under 3. It was tough, and still is (emotionally) but managing the littlies is getting easier. Eldest started school in September, and youngest will attend school nursery from jan, so I'm hoping both being in the same place will be easier. They need less intense care as they are older, and we have a better routine.

It ain't easy, but nothing important is.

Sometimes stuff just doesn't get done. If they are ill, they want mum. What else can you do? The grass will keep growing, as does the laundry mountain they're not little for long. Just have to prioritise.

X

Own_My_Own

I became single when my dd was 6 weeks. I also had a 4 year old ds.
Ex had an affair while I was pregnant.

My tips.

Leaving things until tomorrow won't kill you. I tried to do everything. All the washing, ironing etc had to be done everyday. I did things like a zombie.

The washing up staying in the bowl after dinner is not the end of the world.

Try to get out of the house. Just a walk to the park etc. It is very easy to become isolated. The more you stay in the harder it is to go out.

lonelymummy

scottish_lassy wrote: »

Hello LM, I have been where you are although was unemployed, no maintenance (never did), was actually homeless at one stage and had to live in a caravan for two years. You are very lucky to have your family near you who can offer some amount of help. You must remember that there is a big difference between being alone and lonely - I was extremely lonely in my marraige.
Financial budgeting is difficult and not being able to afford a packet of biscuits, let alone a night out is hard. Your child is young and will not remember these hard times and you will end up having a wonderful, close relationship with your child and although this is tiring just now, will be well worth it. Charity shops are a godsend and meal planning is a must.

You have to learn to pat yourself on the back for every day your child goes to bed content and give yourself credit for a job well done.

Thank you yes I am lucky I have a nice house in a good area and I am able to manage financially. You are right I am in a better position than others. I felt lonely in my relationship and felt like I might as well be on my own but it was a different kind of loneliness. Thank you for those kind words of patting myself on the back as I sometimes feel that I can not do my best for my child on my own.

WantToBeSE

I have been a SM for almost 9 years. I have had a few relationships in that time, but none that the kids know about as they never met.

How do i cope? I have no option, i have to. I cant say "OK, i have had enough, i am ill/tired/upset and cant do this anymore". It's not an option, as the children only have me.

Now they are older (14 and 10) it's easier than when they were younger. Their Dad left when i was 3 months pregnant, so the hardest for me was having a newborn and a 4 yr old.

I have always worked (apart from 12 months) and also attended University and got a degree. All with no help from any friends/family, i did it alone.

It's been hard, exhausting and incredibly lonely. But there were great time too.
I surrounded myself with other single mums in my situation. SMs who had nobody to take the kids for 5 mins, let alone overnight! We would get together, take it in turns to be 'the sober and responsible one' and go to each others houses with a bottle of wine and order chinese, listen to music, watch movies etc. They are some of my best memories.

lonelymummy

itsanne wrote: »

I suspect you've just offended quite a few people who could help you out. It might be worth widening the circle of potential support .

I do not mean offence but I can truly say that I did not understand the isolation of being on your own with a child until it happened. I have friends who are single parents but they have boyfriends to keep them company and ex fathers who take their child overnight or babysit. They tell me this helps a lot.