I need some help - its not about money.

RAS

Zulu

I am going to be totally mercenary here, so forgive me, but if there is one thing I have learned about family breakdown is that the cost is huge, financially and psychologically.

You note in your SOA posts that your wife did not benefit from your debts and now she is being asked to reduce her spends to meet the costs.

Read back over your last few threads. See how much you have moved in the last few weeks. I know this sounds a bit naff, but much of that has been in response to conversations here, to which your wife was not party. She must wonder who she married; Mr Wealthy, Mr Gambler, Mr Barbecue or Mr DFW?

And through all that, in a lot of your threads, I read compulsion. About different things, but it is there even in your first post about tackling your DMP, which may contribute to your wife's feeling that you have stopped showing her you love her. Just read sammy's thread and think that is spot on. I appreciate however that it is quite possibly that characteristic that enables you to earn a high income, so please do not think of it a negative, just something that needs to be directed as needed. The other possibilities have been eluded to by Toto.

However, enough cod psychology. In the end, it is you and the missus and you need to talk to each other. Agree that you should ask her to join you at Relate. if that is not her scene, suggest that you consider private help. And you may be able to jointly work out another solution to the one she is suggesting.

It is not for now, but if she really wants to separate, she needs to think long and hard about financial realities of that. You have decent house, a good income and if you pull your horns in for a few years a chance of getting out of this financially.

If you split, any settlement would look your joint income, your debts and the equity. You simply could not afford to pay enough maintenance to keep her even in the style to which she might have to become accustomed if you stay together and put a roof over your own head and pay off the debts. I cant think of a marriage breakdown that was financially advantageous in the short-medium term, although some exs whose partners could not stop spending where better off longer term just because the debt stopped piling up.

OK, you could cut the monthly payments on the DMP as they would have to allow for maintenance costs in the SOA, but that would risk someone taking further action against you and making it even less likely that you could fund the life style she wants.

it is going to be painful for a few years, but given your current income capacity, is she going to blow it now when you have another few decades of high income potential?

Zulu_Dawn

She must wonder who she married; Mr Wealthy, Mr Gambler, Mr Barbecue or Mr DFW?

This made me smile but I know that a great deal of what you say is right. That bl**dy barbecue will haunt me forever.

My wife is someone who dug herself out of a tough start in life by dint of hard work and effort. I was probably quite a good catch and the last thing she would ever have expected was for me to stick her back in the hole she worked so hard to get out of.

But now I have. I know that I can get out of this mess, I've just got to prove it to her and together is our best chance.

ZD

RAS

Zulu

Glad you can still see the funny points.

having come from a rather similiar background, I can understand her a bit better.

Interestingly, DS married someone who would make sure there was lots of brass, and is finding ita bit difficult at the moment re sporadic if substantial income. On the otherhand, I now earn a reasonable salary but can't spend it (no kidding). However, I passed up on my bete noir because I was just becoming financially stable, had some equity in the house and he had no capital and an unsure income.

Hope things go well. be kind to yourselves.

fraz1975

Zulu

You got to do what you think is right for her, you married her so you must know what makes her tick, just day to day gets in the way and we forget who we are and who they are.

Give it time mate and make the changes, if she still says she loves you this sounds like the short sharp shock, take heed and you will all be happier.

Take care .

Burlesque_Babe

Zulu - just wondered what decision you had come to now the morning is here?
take care

southwester_2

Hi Zulu

I feel very proud of you for admitting this problem, as I said previously it is an horrendous situation, I havent had a bet for nearly 3 months, you can do it and it sounds like you have started.

Hopefully your wife will come around, let us know how it goes

SW

immoral_angeluk

I know it's probably too late but hope it goes well and let us know what happens...

wisbech_lad

Good luck.

kathy206

Good luck and hugs to you and your family.Admitting there is a problem is a very big step. Hope it all goes well xxx

Kaz2904

hope everything is ok.