I need some help - its not about money.

Zulu_Dawn

Should I stay or should I go? Well according to the song, if I stay it will be double. It sounds funny but I have never thought about going but a lot of you have said to go and give it a few days and I think on reflection that is what she wants.

Thank you all so much. There is some fantastic stuff here which I will definitely use.

I'm very grateful.

ZD

Lucy1982_2

Hope everything goes ok.

I'm not about at weekends, but let us know how you get on.

Will be thinking of you x

Skint_Catt

Lucy1982 wrote: »

Hope everything goes ok.

I'm not about at weekends, but let us know how you get on.

Will be thinking of you x

Ditto

Ditto

and ditto

C xx

Shineyhappy

Good luck ZD.

Have a good think and I really hope everything works out for you and your family.

Whatever you do make sure your wife knows just how much you love her.

PigginSkint

I just wanted to say Good Luck - I hope it works out for you.

I was going to suggest writing a letter to her but I see others have already done that! Make it a love letter and make sure she knows that whatever you have done to sort your finances out have been as much for her benefit as yours.

I will be thinking about you.

lynzpower

I too think going is the best thing all round, sounds like things have been very intense at home recently and im sure a bit of space will lift things.

Hugs & thinking of you
Lynzx

Techno

Bit of fence sitting but here goes
If your wife genuinely wants you to leave for a while and you don't go then it proves you don't listen to her.
If she really wants you to stay but telling you to go is the only option she can think of and and you just leave, as Shineyhappy says she will feel totally abandoned so my suggestion for what it is worthis write those letters that have been suggested then when she comes home in the morning tell her how much you love her and the children - that you don't want to leave but if it is really, really what she wants then you will respect that - give her the letters and go for a while - but keep in close contact ........ and good luck

sammy115

ZD Can I ask maybe have you swapped one addiction for another. Instead of gambling you are now focused on the DF way of life. It is addictive.

I truly think counselling is key to this situation, and I would suggest to your wife that you will leave but on the condition that you both go for counselling with a view to getting back together on an equal footing.

At the moment as another post has suggested your wife possibly feels very resentful towards you - add to this your requests to cut out the spending and cook meals from scratch must mean she is thinking she is getting the rough end of the stick. Being debt free requires endless positive thinking and strenuous effort - and thats when you are fully committed. If you are not fully committed its twice as hard.

Please get in touch with Relate as a matter of urgency and insist that your wife comes with you. This will show her you care. Relate do charge but charge according to circumstances, you tell them how much you can afford to pay. My doctors surgery have a counsellor attached to the surgery and if a doctor refers you it is free.

Hope you can still get online ZD wherever you go.

We will be thinking about you.xx

Prudent

Hi zd - I am sorry to hear of your situation, it is always so very painful to loose someone you love.

I thought I would give you the other side of the coin, in the hope it will be helpful to you. I am not putting you down or criticing in any way. I know some of this may seem hard, but I hope it will be supportive to you. I am the ex wife of an addict. I have been an ex long enough now - 5 years- that any bitterness about the break up/ circumstances has long past and I can see it more objectively.

The things that put a stress on my marriage were:
- working hard to juggle work and a demanding job only to find my ex had blown the equivilent of my wages in the bookies.
- seeing my child go without things we could have provided for her if my ex didn't gamble.
-having to rely on friends and family for financial help e.g. to buy my child shoes when our incomes were actually greater than their incomes.
- seeing so much cash going on bank charges rather than giving us a reasonable standard of living.
- feeling I was taking on all the worries and responsibilities.
- feeling pushed out of his life and always coming a very poor second to his addictions.
- his lack of concern about the impact of his behaviour on the family.
- his controlling behaviour when I tried to talk about the issues.
- above all the deception and secrecy.

I initially found out about oh's debts when we moved house. I remember asking with the mortgage advisor why our limit was so low. He looked at oh and didn't answer. A few days later he sent some forms addressed to me. 'Accidently' stapled to them was a copy of oh's credit report (before I knew about credit reports). I felt stunned, misled and cheated out of the house I wanted. We ended up having to buy a house in a rough area that was not good for bringing up a child.

Over the years, I tried tackling the issue. Once I got on my feet after the house move, I offered to pay off oh's debts. This was depsite me having a fraction of the disposable income he had. As I was about to do that I found he had other much more sinister and illegal addictions (not drugs) and our marriage broke down. When the solicitors/accountants analysed the finances they found he had over £2000 per month which he spent solely on himself and was still £25,000 in debt. I felt my child and I had been cheated.

Reading the stories of addicts on here has helped me understand more. I have forgiven my ex and moved on.

Zulu_Dawn

Prudent wrote: »

Hi zd - I am sorry to hear of your situation, it is always so very painful to loose someone you love.

I thought I would give you the other side of the coin, in the hope it will be helpful to you. I am not putting you down or criticing in any way. I know some of this may seem hard, but I hope it will be supportive to you. I am the ex wife of an addict. I have been an ex long enough now - 5 years- that any bitterness about the break up/ circumstances has long past and I can see it more objectively.

The things that put a stress on my marriage were:
- working hard to juggle work and a demanding job only to find my ex had blown the equivilent of my wages in the bookies.
- seeing my child go without things we could have provided for her if my ex didn't gamble.
-having to rely on friends and family for financial help e.g. to buy my child shoes when our incomes were actually greater than their incomes.
- seeing so much cash going on bank charges rather than giving us a reasonable standard of living.
- feeling I was taking on all the worries and responsibilities.
- feeling pushed out of his life and always coming a very poor second to his addictions.
- his lack of concern about the impact of his behaviour on the family.
- his controlling behaviour when I tried to talk about the issues.
- above all the deception and secrecy.

I initially found out about oh's debts when we moved house. I remember asking with the mortgage advisor why our limit was so low. He looked at oh and didn't answer. A few days later he sent some forms addressed to me. 'Accidently' stapled to them was a copy of oh's credit report (before I knew about credit reports). I felt stunned, misled and cheated out of the house I wanted. We ended up having to buy a house in a rough area that was not good for bringing up a child.

Over the years, I tried tackling the issue. Once I got on my feet after the house move, I offered to pay off oh's debts. This was depsite me having a fraction of the disposable income he had. As I was about to do that I found he had other much more sinister and illegal addictions (not drugs) and our marriage broke down. When the solicitors/accountants analysed the finances they found he had over £2000 per month which he spent solely on himself and was still £25,000 in debt. I felt my child and I had been cheated.

Reading the stories of addicts on here has helped me understand more. I have forgiven my ex and moved on.

Gambling addiction is a terrible illness and my sympathies are totally with you because you were an innocent bystander just like my wife is.

I know 100% that what I have done is terrible and I just hope that we can find a way forward so I can make it up to her. I've been gambling free for six months now which is a start and I will do everything I can to try never to go back.

Take care,

ZD