I need some help - its not about money.

Lucy1982_2

I know she is coming home in the morning, but can you find someone to look after the kids for you both?

Play to her strength's. Can you cook? If so cook her lunch, put some soft jazz on in the background and spend the afternoon in each other's company, perhaps find a copy of her favourite movies, get some popcorn and watch it together.

It will also give you the chance to talk about things if you want to.

Little things like that mean a great deal. I know, my ex was all one for big and costly shows, but current OH is much quieter and somehow gets it right.

Zulu_Dawn

We live in the southern home counties. Tomorrow we are back into the whirr of real life with childrens parties and lessons, jobs, etc.

At the moment the plan is for me to pack tonight then take one kid to her lesson, pck her up, drop her back home than leave.

The bit that I find so hard is telling the kids tomorrow. It's going to be unbearable.

Skint_Catt

From a womans perspective ZD, I would want you to respect my wishes and to leave.

But before you do, in the morning, write a letter, telling her how much she really means to you. Apologise for seeming self-indulgent, but that you are trying to find a way to cope and to make things better for your life together and to get rid of the debt. Tell her you will respect her wishes and that you will give her some time, but that you will be close by if she needs/wants you and would like to come round to see the children and to cook her a dinner (if you can cook!) and spend special time with them. What about a picnic for all of you at the weekend? maybe just get out into the countryside if you can and take a football/frisbee etc and just have a relaxing laugh?

Don't let me put words in your mouth, but this would really touch me (if it's true!)

Relate also sounds like a good idea. (is it free?)

Good Luck, I hope you work it out

C xx

Lucy1982_2

Have you suggested meeting up with your wife over the weekend. Go on a date with her.

Just tell the kids that Dad is going away for a couple of nights. They don't really need to know a huge amount at the moment

Shineyhappy

I know others have said giver her space and I understand why they are saying that. I guess it depends on what kind of person your wife is.

If it was me saying that, it would be because I felt neglected and unloved and because I was desperate for reassurance and if thats the case, you walking out to give her space will make her feel more unloved. That said I am quite a clingy person and need reassurane from hugs and kind words.

If you decide to stay and try to talk, I would start by arranging for granny to pick up the kids at 9.30 and let them stay over with her.

Then I would hand write some letters. Firstly I would write one telling your wife how sorry you are for gambling and getting into this much debt. Dont grovel but write it from the heart. Tell her you know how difficult it mut be for her and you are so sorry and thats why you are trying so hard to sort yourself out so you can be a better husband and father. I would also tell her you are sorry for neglecting her and putting her in this mess.

On the second letter I just write in detail why you love her and what she means to you. Mention the silly things, like I love the way my OH looks when he is wet when water runs down his nose and he looks confused it is so adorable! Things like that. It is the little things that remind us each day that we love that person.

I hope you like that idea. I think if you are careful you will melt her heart and its free!

Then I would plan a lovely day to spend with her- proper quality time. I dont know where you are but cook her a lovely lunch, dress the table and tell her to put a gorgeous dress on, then light some candles, draw the curtains and put her favourite CD on.

DAVETHE_CARDBOARDBOX

Leave, thats what she has asked you to do, respect her call. She is undoubtedly fed up with the dark cloud covering her family due to this and wants it lifted. She wants to spend time with children and being normal I would think. Make a deal with her, tell the kids you are going away for a few days, dont make it final for them, yet, kids cope. You are the recovering addict from what you write, help yourself and show her you are made of strong stuff, prove yourself capable of being the strong backbone for your family and love her enough not to live in the malaise you are both in now.

GreenNinja

Zulu_Dawn wrote: »

Hi

I'm after some fairly urgent help.

I have a huge debt arising from gambling addiction.

I kept this all from my wife until six months ago and when she became aware of our situation it was a terrible shock.

We have both spent the last six months coming to terms with our circumstances and still finds it incredibly hard. I have completely stopped gambling and that is going really well. I am dealing with the debt as best I can but the reality is that I have become very self-absorbed and frankly difficult to live with as I try to come to terms with all my problems.

My wife has coped as well as possible in what must have been a terrible shock for her. However things have come to a head and the bottom line is that today she asked me to leave.

I've just spoken to her and the great news is that she still loves me and I know I love her. She still wants me to leave though I sense it is because she can't think what else there is to do.

She is going out for the night with our children and will be coming home tomorrow morning at 09:30 by which time I need to be gone.

She said that all my efforts are currently put towards dealing with the addiction and the debt and that I have stopped showing her that I love her.


I have from 18:00 when I get home until 09:30 tomorrow morning to show her this. If I can, I might just be able to persuade her to give me another chance.

Clearly grand financial gestures are out of the question but the trouble is I'm rubbish at this.

Has anyone got any DFW ideas that will help me keep her?

I know this is an unusual request and I do have ideas of my own. I'm also sure there is a more appropriate place to put it but I love this board and have faith in you all here so if anyone has any experience of this and can help me, I would be really grateful.

Thanks so much,

ZD

Hi ZD,

So sorry to hear this news. It sounds like your wife just needs some space to sort her feelings out.
No doubt you have both been under immense strain lately with all the issues you have had to address and deal with.
I guess all you can do is be honest with her and tell her how much she means to you and how much you love her.

Good luck, take care X

Toto

I'm really sorry you're going through this zd, that must have been a hell of a shock. I'm wondering if this is about her being afraid of change? You have said in other posts that you're trying to get your wife on board, to cut the grocery spending and her personal spending. Now, you have the resources because you're here, but perhaps this is a knee jerk reaction from her because she doesn't know how to. Obviously she loves the financial freedom to be able to spend what she likes, and why wouldn't she? Perhaps her security came from having a public image, feeling she's feeding her family the absolute best, wearing beautiful things, you know, the stuff we all love (well I did anyway).

Our debt problems came about because we started a business. Now, I didn't particularly want to start one in this field, but I did it because my OH is too good at what he does to be working for other people. SO, our business was built for him. I made that choice but when the reality of our debt hit me, I suddenly resented him. There was even an occasion when I felt I wanted to sell everything and ask him to leave, because I felt he was somehow to blame for us being so skint. He wasn't and it was totally unfair of me to think that way. But sometimes when the stress gets to overload these things seem real.

So, perhaps a combination of your wife feeling her financial security is gone along with the way she had lived her life quite happily. She probably does blame you because of the gambling so is lashing out. Obviously it isn't about her just falling out of love with you, she's said as much.

So, I would try to show her the plan and involve her. Don't tell her to cut the grocery spending etc, let her figure that out for herself, a little time learning a DFW mentality will have her reaching these decisions for herself I'm sure. I know you feel as if this is your problem to fix, men are usually fixers anyway. Sometimes though, women need to feel in control too.

I can’t advise if you should stay or go, personally if I say go to someone I love it’s really me saying I want this situation to go. I want you to give me some attention and help me feel secure. But that’s just me, others here would feel they are not being respected if their partner stayed. Only you know your wife well enough to figure out what she really needs a break from, you? Or the situation?

southwester_2

Hi

Deja vue or what

I really feel for you, I went through something very similar, a lot on here know what happened I fessed up to my wife. Congrats on breaking the habit I have too but in your case I would go to friends or family for a couple of nights and give yourselves both time to think. If I am reading between the lines correctly and have been in the exact same position, she might need the space to see that she loves you. Its a really tough call I stayed and we are still together - just.

Hang in there buddy, its a horrible thing to have to go through

You can pm if you like

Serialdieter

I think you should respect her decision and perhaps spend a few days at a friends / relatives. I like someone's (sorry can't remember who) idea of writing letters.

Hope it works out ok for you.

jx