Feeling wretched........

January20

Battybird wrote: »

My first thought was, has she really been in hospital? Or could she have possibly made this up to make you feel guilty for only spending 15 mins. on the phone?

(sorry if my thoughts offend you.)

Kynthia wrote: »

I too wondered at the timing of this. She seems to be blaming you in saying that the alcohol was bought because you told her to go for a walk. Yet she doesn't do what you say when you suggest she throws away any alcohol or excessive medications.

.

I agree with these two posts. I think she is being manipulative and needy, possibly because of her problems, and she is "punishing" you by not answering the phone when you ring, and indirectly blaming you for taking alcohol and tablets. Surely, nowadays, anybody knows the dangers of drinking alcohol and taking tablets at the same time?

I feel for you because I have a friend who suffers from depression and it is very difficult. When I see her, I often come home completed deflated and feeling down myself. Anything negative that happens to her is blown out of proportions. Anything people say to her risks offending her. However, when I don't see her (I made the decision not to see her a few weeks ago because I was feeling fragile myself) I feel dreadfully guilty.

Don't answer the phone so often. Put yourself, and your relationship with your husband, first. You can't help this girl, not really and she will drag you down with her. She needs professional care.

livingit

OP no one can give this level of support without it wearing them down. Your friend is draining the life out of you. You have to stop and it wont be easy because she is making you feel guilty.

It is quite possible that she has been admitted to hospital, had a brief assessment and discharged without any referral to mental health, in fact in my experience I would be more surprised if they had referred her.

If she has any family or friends close by I would call them and make them aware of her situation and that you are unable to support her. If she has no one then call her GP, local MH services, social services and make a report.

Tell her that you are also unwell (this is not a lie) and that she needs to seek help from professionals who can help her. If you need to keep in touch then limit any phone calls both in frequency and duration. Use number recognition or a ring code with close family so that you can screen your calls.

You can not be held to ransom by someones threats but it is not easy to let them go, but you must really try. Pass the responsibility elsewhere and allow yourself to breathe again.

HPoirot

I agree with the others OP, you might feel even more wretched for doing this in the short term but it is best to step away now.

thorsoak

OP - your friend needs help - BUT NOT NECESSARILY FROM YOU

Tell her this, tell her she needs to talk to her doctor and get help - and then, block her calls!

It sounds harsh, I know, but when you learn first aid, you are taught that the first action of a first-aider is to keep themselves safe - and you need to keep yourself safe - your relationship with your husband is suffering through the demands of your friend.

WantToBeSE

I agree with FBaby- has she been diagnosed with Bipolar, or any other mental illness?

You need to tell her that you cannot always be there for her, and that you have your own life and responsibilities to get on with. She needs to take responsibility for her own mental health.
Suggest that she goes and finds a therapist (if she doesnt already). If she really did OD, then the hospital will follow up with a psych appointment/referal (hopefully).

itsanne

It's very difficult when you're in the midst of a situation to step back and look at it objectively, so it's great that you have recognised that things need to change.

Whether or not your friend did end up in hospital is actually unimportant. She made the decision to buy the alcohol and to take tablets with it. Attempting to blame you because you made the appropriate suggestion that she should go for a walk is simply manipulative. She is now making the decision to keep the alcohol and tablets rather than make use of your suggestion to avoid a repetition. That again is her choice and you are not responsible for her poor decision making.

Your friend needs help. You have tried but it hasn't made things better, so even apart from the effect it's having on you she needs the support to come from elsewhere. Please take that on board when you feel guilty about withdrawing.

I would suggest that you write to your "friend", telling her that she needs to seek professional help. You could point out the advice you have given which she has rejected so that she has the opportunity to think about it outwith the melodrama she creates on the phone. You could also write to her GP outlining your concerns. Then step back. Don't answer the phone. Don't be available. She will not be happy, but she's not happy with you anyway, so let her be upset and angry. It may be the only way that she will make the effort to seek help elsewhere.

NinjaSavingKat

Any chance she didn't go to hospital ( you only have her word to go by ) and it's a rouse to get more of your attention?

Your marriage is more important - if in 8 years she had an inkling of doing something she would have done it and done it properly.

I don't have any great advise - but this is a one way relationship between you and her and you are getting nothing back in return. It's not even a friendship it's a client/psych relationship. It's time to possibly arrange a once per week phone call with her whether she likes it or not and leave it at that. She will huff and puff a bit and "tell you" she has done something ( it will never be your fault by the way ) but you cannot hold her hand for the rest of your life. But you will lose a decent relationship with your husband.

Cut the cord. Then see what she does. Harsh but it's been 8 YEARS! How much more can you take??

xxdeebeexx

Thank you for your support and suggestions.

I'm feeling much better this morning (Just been to the gym and enjoyed the solitude in a busy place)

My friend was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome 4/5 years ago - very late on in life at 50+
She does have some support but not enough.
She has fallen out with her siblings so is rarely in contact with them.


Yes, she definitely held me responsible for her buying the alcohol.

She was not allowed to leave hospital until she had been assessed by the Crisis team. She has a follow up appointment mid week.
I believe everything happened as she said.
I'm not sure if it was 'punishment' for cutting the call short.

She is fighting the Council at the moment for support.
A letter had arrived that morning declining support - hence the frustration over the weekend. It seems that she doesn't qualify for help as she is 'too intelligent'.


I need caller display- maybe my husband can buy me a caller display phone for Christmas.
I love the idea of a code!

I can't abandon her completely, but I need to take control.

Letting off steam here, has really helped. Talking to my husband about these matters causes arguments.
Thank you for your empathy and understanding.

It's a beautiful day...... I might just go out for a walk!

dx

Mojisola

xxdeebeexx wrote: »

Her constant phoning is causing arguments between myself and my husband.

In the back of my mind I worry that she will do something daft so I try to give her the attention that she needs.

I am exhausted by her.

I have nothing, absolutely nothing left to give her.

I have reached the point where I dread the phone ringing...

For the past 8 or so years I have been very worried that she would try to take her own life so I have given her all the time and help that I could.

She has become more demanding over the years and has expected more and more from me....... I have nothing left to give her.

This isn't a supportive relationship on your part - it's an abusive one on hers.

If, after having your support for eight years, she's still in a mess, do you really think another eight years will help her get better?

She needs professional help and will only get better if she decides to make changes in her life. If she doesn't, it won't be your fault or the GP's fault or the Samaritans' fault or the MH nurses' fault - it will be her choice.

It is even possible that having you to rant to (for up to three hours' a day!) is holding her back from facing up to her issues.

For your sake, I think you have cut the ties completely.

19lottie82

I'm another vote for there is a very good chance that she didn't take the tablets and wasn't in hospital. I think she realises her attempts to get your attention re failing and she needed to crank it up a gear.

Do you know any of her other friends or family? Someone who lives closer to her, that you can get in touch with? (even of Facebook, if you are a member?)

I agree with the others, you CANNOT put this person before your marriage.