Feeling wretched........

xxdeebeexx

My friend overdosed on sleeping tablets and alcohol yesterday....
She has made a full recovery and is now out of hospital .....

What can I do?

She lives a 2hr drive from me.
She phones 2 or 3 times a day and talks for approx. 1 hour each time.
She gets very upset about 'little' things , such as, the cleaner not wiping down the roof of the microwave.
I try to listen and make constructive suggestions, but if she doesn't like what I say she shouts at me.

Her constant phoning is causing arguments between myself and my husband.
Often dinner is late or spoilt, or my serving is cold.
She gets offended if I cut the call short so try to iron, cook, run the bath etc while on the phone.

In the back of my mind I worry that she will do something daft so I try to give her the attention that she needs.

I am exhausted by her.

I have nothing, absolutely nothing left to give her.

I have reached the point where I dread the phone ringing...

Yesterday she phoned just as I was going out with my husband. We were short of time so I told her that we could only talk for about 15 minutes.
She was offended when I said that I had to go , but I promised to phone her later.
I suggested that she went for a walk as it was such a beautiful day.

I returned the call later that evening but there was no answer. I didn't try again.

Today she called and told me that she had just got out of hospital.
She explained that she couldn't sleep last night so kept getting up and taking more sleeping tablets. The tablets didn't make her tired so she drank half a bottle of sherry that she had bought when she was having the walk that I had told her to take.
In all she had taken 15 sleeping tablets and drank half a bottle of sherry.

She felt unwell so phoned 111 and an ambulance came. She was kept in hospital overnight.
She said it was an accident.

After hearing this I suggested that she threw away any alcohol that was in the house and maybe think about cutting off the exact number of sleeping tablets that she was allowed to take and lock the rest in her car so that there wasn't another accident.
She said NO! to both suggestions.

For the past 8 or so years I have been very worried that she would try to take her own life so I have given her all the time and help that I could.
She has become more demanding over the years and has expected more and more from me....... I have nothing left to give her.

dx

lika_86

You sound like an amazing friend, but she needs professional help. This isn't something you can solve (and you shouldn't feel like you have that burden on you). Have the hospital referred her to someone professional she can talk to?

Whatever happens and whatever she does, however she acts, please don't feel that it is your fault or responsibility.

Tiddlywinks

She needs to see a doctor... are you able to visit her to have a face to face chat with her and maybe go with her to see her GP?

Are you able to speak to any of her family or to mutual friends?

Just remember that you are not your friend's keeper and are not responsible for the choices she makes in life.... and there is only so much time in the day for your life, let alone hers.

MrsAtobe

I agree with the posters above, your friend needs professional help now. The only person I talk to for three hours a day is my OH, and if he shouted at me for saying things he didn't like, he wouldn't be my OH for very much longer, tbh.

Do you have caller ID on your phone line/phone? Or an answer phone? If not I would seriously consider getting them, and when it isn't convenient to talk to her, either let the phone ring or let it go through to answer phone, whichever is easiest for you. TBH, if someone rings while I'm in the middle of making or eating dinner, either the phone doesn't get answered, or if I do answer, I tell them I can't talk now, I'll ring them back and explain why. No-one has yet taken offence to me telling them that.

This may sound like a really silly question, but what happens when you are ho,e alone, and the phone rings, and you can't get to answer it due to a call of nature? Does this friend kick off about that?

Netwizard

I have a friend like this. I've tried for years to help her. She's had professional help, the help and support of friends but as you say, its exhausting.

Unfortunately, I rarely see her now. Her constant negative outlook and reluctance to confront her issues means there isn't a lot left to do but then again, she loves the drama and to have everyone pandering to her every need. I refuse to do it anymore

As said above, she needs professional help, but you can't be at your friends beck and call 24/7. You both have your own lives to lead and she has to understand first and foremost, if she can't help herself, how does she expect others to help.

I feel for you, because I know how exhausting it is!

Battybird

My first thought was, has she really been in hospital? Or could she have possibly made this up to make you feel guilty for only spending 15 mins. on the phone?

(sorry if my thoughts offend you.)

tiger_eyes

The Serenity Prayer:

Give me

1. the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
2. the courage to change the things I can,
3. and the wisdom to know the difference.

This is a time for 1. You cannot fix this person. She is not your responsibility. Her behaviour is not within your control. Step away.

Kynthia

I too wondered at the timing of this. She seems to be blaming you in saying that the alcohol was bought because you told her to go for a walk. Yet she doesn't do what you say when you suggest she throws away any alcohol or excessive medications.

It's hard to know what to say as we'd all hate to tell you the wrong thing but it seems like you have nothing left and that what you have given hasn't changed her situation. Therefore perhaps it's self preservation time and you need to end the friendship. Maybe write her a letter saying that you wish her well but you are unable to help her any longer, and that you are feeling like you cannot cope yourself and your relationship is suffering. Suggest she talks to the hospital or her GP in order to find someone qualified and experienced to help her better than you can.

FBaby

What's her history? Has she been diagnosed with some mental illness? I am asking because your friends completely reminds me of one of mine who was diagnosed after some time with Manic Depression (different not depression). When she was in a manic phase, her mind was buzzing all over the place, she couldn't sleep and like your friend, she would call me many times a day, rumbling on unsignificant issues, always expressing her anger at situations she had been exposed to, analysing every detail, and whatever I said was completely ignored, she just went on and on.

It was utterly exhausting and like you, however much I cared for her, I dreaded her calls yet worried about the consequences of not doing so. Like your friend, she attempted suicide 2 or 3 times and ended up in hospital. She was tried on different treatment without success. The worse (for me) came when she started to call me in the middle of the night totally manic. One time, she called because she couldn't find the list of psychiatrist in the yellow book. I tried to talk to her, but she was just going mad, saying the pages had been removed. She was so anxious, I just couldn't hung up even though she wouldn't end the conversation.

In the end, her last attempt prompted her to be taken as an inpatient and wasn't released until she was tried on a different medication and that saved her. She has been ok now for over 20 years, and even had two children after the age of 40. Her husband has been wonderful and the medication is keeping the condition at bay. She is nothing like the person she was then. She feels very ashamed when I tell her some stories, most incidences she doesn't even remember. I explain that I knew she was ill and don't hold it against her, but it was indeed very very tough during that time and like you I reached a point when I worried I would have to cut her off totally out of my life, which made me feel terrible. When she was taken in, it came as huge relief to me, even if I did feel very guilty for feeling this way.

fluffnutter

Google 'compassion fatigue', OP. It's not our job to be custodians of our friends' wellbeing. She needs professional help. Time to step away before you make yourself ill.

peachyprice

You only have her word that she was in hospital because she took an overdose. Ask her what they said at the psych assessment before they discharged her and when she is going to the GP for her follow-up appointment.