'Same sex"' betrayal - diff to opposite sex or not?

Lilacblue

Dear OP

You have had some excellent advice already, but I wanted to add my support, as you are obviously reeling from something that has knocked you sideways.

It is really important not to blame yourself, or feel ashamed...as has already been said, this is something he has done himself. I found out all sorts of unsavoury things about my ex when we split up, and it was very upsetting and made me doubt the whole time we had been together and the life we had built up. Be prepared for some wailing and handwringing on his part but always try and keep focussed on YOU and your children.

One thing I would say (and you don't want to hear) is that whatever he says about it not ever happening again, or the encounters being meaningless please do not be taken in by that. He accepted very high stakes when he made the decisions he did, and yet he still went ahead.

The very best of luck to you in trying to come to terms with this and move on...whatever form that might take. Keep posting here, as I found it amazingly supportive when it happened to me.
X

duchy

Grumpygit wrote: »

Before you think of anything else, you need a practical nudge in the direction of an STI clinic for a check up. (I know that it appears very sexist as I probably wouldn't be saying this if it had been a hetrosexual affair rather than a gay affair)



xx

Really ?
Hetrosexuals don't get STIs then?
(It doesn't sound sexist-it sounds homophobic btw)
When you sleep with someone - you are exposing yourself to everyone else they have slept with-Anyone with a cheating partner should be getting checked - Not decide it isn't as essential because the cheater is "only" having hetrosexual sex.

Moving swiftly on ...................

OP I think betrayal is betrayal and had his encounter been hetrosexual you'd likely feel equally betrayed but maybe find it easier to confide in friends and get support.

I think the advice is the same .....wait until your anger has subsided to a roar -and then if you can talk it out and then decide if it really was a one off and if you have a strong enough foundation (and the will) to rebuild. Some people can and so get through this....for others betrayal is permanently unforgivable as they could never trust them again. Only you will know which you are. Take your time making decisions -and wait til the shock has calmed down a bit. As for "if he's bi-sexual he'll do it again" I don't agree. Hetrosexuals are attracted to other people other than their partners and many stay faithful -and others cheat. It's the same for homosexuals and bisexuals - some are faithful types some aren't. It's about the person not about the shape of the bits they find attractive.

Voyager2002

Personally, I think your husband's behaviour is more excusable than do most of the other posters. Clearly he is attracted to other men, and since you have a female body then it is clearly not possible for you to meet these needs of his. Of course, there are various ways in which he could have dealt with the situation, and cheating is probably the most cowardly and destructive 'solution' that he could have found.

Anyway, now you have to decide what to do next. Some couples choose to have an 'open relationship' with clear rules, and that is an option that you might wish to explore.

lostinrates

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Sorry to say the obvious but your husband is either bisexual or gay always has been and always will be because it doesnt go away ever.
I'd bet if you looked on his computer he'll have been looking at gay !!!!!! and logging on to gay chatrooms all the time.
Do you honestly think that from now on he will remain faithfull to you? He wont Im telling you because the compulsion to seek out and have sex with men will be too great because that is his orientation. He wants something that you can never give him and this will always be the case.
You need to ask yourself if you dont mind him having sex with men whilst hes married to you. Do you want an open relationship?
The bottom line is that a person cannot really change who they are and he will go after men again because its who he is.
I'm sorry for the situation you are now in, like the others say you need to get tested and then think about what you want to do.
Whatever dont blame yourself in any way as its not your fault at all.

Voyager2002 wrote: »

Personally, I think your husband's behaviour is more excusable than do most of the other posters. Clearly he is attracted to other men, and since you have a female body then it is clearly not possible for you to meet these needs of his. Of course, there are various ways in which he could have dealt with the situation, and cheating is probably the most cowardly and destructive 'solution' that he could have found.

Anyway, now you have to decide what to do next. Some couples choose to have an 'open relationship' with clear rules, and that is an option that you might wish to explore.

Plenty of people who are not 'perfectly straight' manage to commit to faithful relationships to one person of one sex.

Bisexual does not been unfaithful or polyamorous by necessity at all.

dragonette

OP, I am very sorry you are going through this and wish you the very best.

My apologies for going off on a side note here....
Bisexual or indeed polyamorous do not equate being unfaithful. I am heteroflexible (mostly straight and certainly have a much stronger preference that way but do occassionally find a person of the same sex highly attractive and wish to act upon that attraction) and am polyamorous. I have never been unfaithful to a partner. Or indeed, partners.

I would say that I accept that my situation is one that many find incomprehensible, and I have lost relationships due to it. I would always choose to let someone go honestly than cheat on them.

lostinrates

dragonette wrote: »

OP, I am very sorry you are going through this and wish you the very best.

My apologies for going off on a side note here....
Bisexual or indeed polyamorous do not equate being unfaithful. I am heteroflexible (mostly straight and certainly have a much stronger preference that way but do occassionally find a person of the same sex highly attractive and wish to act upon that attraction) and am polyamorous. I have never been unfaithful to a partner. Or indeed, partners.

I would say that I accept that my situation is one that many find incomprehensible, and I have lost relationships due to it. I would always choose to let someone go honestly than cheat on them.

I'm in a different situation. I am married and have made a commitment to one person, who is a one person person, so .....that's what we do. That's the commitment made, and i wouldn't have made it were it not possible for me.

Sexuality is a very multifaceted thing, but to say its not possible to be faithful if one has other 'tastes' is very unfair. For example, heterosexual people see people they might have a taste for all the time without being 'mandated' to stray, so why bisexual, or people of other more fluid sexuality, should have to within the commitments that have made could be seen as some what offensive.



Edit.....critically, OP should not be made feel less, or insufficient, not enough. She has the RIGHT to expect and require fidelity under the terms of her relationship without any 'hang ups' or reservations or wondering if its fair.

HPoirot

I think the issue here is not about being bisexual or cheating with another man instead of a woman, as others have pointed out, the issue is the cheating.

OP you are feeling as if you cannot compete with his latest adventure, but if you look further behind the sex of the person he is cheating with, the issue remains, your OH has cheated on you. It has nothing to do with what you can or cannot offer him or compete against, it simply means that he is a cheat, and possibly a serial one at that.

I get the impression that your self esteem has taken a battering after this episode, I hope you move on quickly from this kind of thought as his cheating has nothing to do with what you are or can offer.

How would you like your future to be - living with a liar and a cheat not knowing what he brings up next, or without him but peace of mind and confidence that you are not being lied to or cheated on? On the financial side please seek advice asap so you know where you stand.

And on the issue of trusting another person, I think that once you recover from all this, you may find plenty of reasons to trust another person. As I said, don't take it on yourself that he has cheated, it has nothing to do with how you are or whether or can trust, but everything to do with what kind of person he is.

Oh by the way, I find his excuse for preferring to cheat with a man rather than a woman as pathetic as it can get, he seems to forget that he is committed to a marriage and children in his quest for cheap sexual thrills.

tara747

lostinrates wrote: »

If you have committed to a relationship to one other person you have committed to one other person.

It doesn't matter if you also feel a draw to other people of that persons sex, the opposite sex, or pink elephants. Unless there is an agreement to open relationship or some such, then going outside that is a betrayal of that commitment.

Your partner has broken this commitment to you multiple times. I'm afraid I would need more than. ' he is sorry, it won't happen again' because his word is not his bond.

It doesn't matter who he has cheated with. I understand you are struggling to 'understand' but if he is open to sex with both sexes than to him a man and the young receptionist is 'sex', and frankly, both are outside your commitment to each other.

lostinrates wrote: »

Plenty of people who are not 'perfectly straight' manage to commit to faithful relationships to one person of one sex.

Bisexual does not been unfaithful or polyamorous by necessity at all.

^^^ This.

I'm constantly amazed by bisexuality being used an excuse for sh*gging around. Whatever your orientation, cheating is cheating!

You have my sympathy, OP. Take a few days to think. Perhaps seek some counselling/emotional support. And definitely get yourself tested for STIs (I would say this regardless of gender).

Grumpygit

duchy wrote: »

Really ?
Hetrosexuals don't get STIs then?
(It doesn't sound sexist-it sounds homophobic btw)
When you sleep with someone - you are exposing yourself to everyone else they have slept with-Anyone with a cheating partner should be getting checked - Not decide it isn't as essential because the cheater is "only" having hetrosexual sex.

Moving swiftly on ...................

I am not saying that hetrosexual people don't get STI's of course they do. Many men and women would use condoms not only for disease purposes but also pregnancy.........and I've not heard of a man getting pregnant (apart from a transsexual).

And I am not homophobic in the slightest btw but given the nature of penetrative sex amongst homosexuals, there could be other health implications

lostinrates

Grumpygit wrote: »

And I am not homophobic in the slightest btw but given the nature of penetrative sex amongst homosexuals, there could be other health implications

Not restricted to homosexual men, and condoms Recomended for that regardless of sex.