'Same sex"' betrayal - diff to opposite sex or not?

inneedofsomehelp

Ironically I have posted here for years and given support and advice to many, but today I find myself posting under the username
Of a "mse convert" of mine.

Basically my husband and I have had a 'rocky' past. In our 17 years together I have caught him cheating twice. One was an online thing many years ago, I kind of understand his reasons for that (we weren't serious as such)

Several weeks ago I found out he had met another man from an iPhone application. He met him and did sexual things with him on various occasions. I can't understand it. He says "men are easier thsn women, you can lead the conversation into a sexual manner without the flowers and wine" (his words not mine)

We have 4 children together 10,8,5,1
And I really cannot see how I can forgive him. If it was a woman maybe I could 'compete' but how can I compete against a Hunan bring that has a body part I do not?

In order to keep this money related how do people cope?4 children and a salary of £20,000. Nursery alone is £8000 per year, mortgage is £40000 a year then tax and national insurance?

On a more emotional level can you forgive a same sex relationship? If so how?


I am so ashamed that not only can I not keep my own partner happy after 10 years of marriage and 17 years together but hes turned to another man for what I could not give him.

He has said he is sorry, it won't happen again, but how can I be sure

I feel it would be easier for me to understand if it was the 19 year old new receptionist. But it's not, it's a man who's the sane age as us- 40 ish.

How do you move on? If that be together or apart? How
Do you trust him or someone else after this?

Rev

I'm sorry to hear your having such a hard time.

IMO cheating is cheating. We're it another woman you'd feel you we're competing. No matter who he is cheating with he is getting something from them that he feels for some reason he isn't getting from you.

But you should not feel bad. Things may have been up and down for you but HE is the one that cheated. Not you. He made that choice. Be it with a man or a woman. He is at fault. You have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. You have done nothing wrong.

Sadly you can never be sure it won't happen again and only you can know if you want to even try rebuilding that trust. I know myself personally that's the end. My ex cheated on me and that was that. I would never be able to trust someone who cheated again.

He should have been brave enough to come to you and tell you how he was feeling and what he needed. Unfortunately he wasn't and how you go beyond this is up to you.

Sending hugs your way.

Grumpygit

Aww...hugs for you.

He hasn't turned to another man to give him what you can't (well he has but not because it's "your" fault it's because you're female), it is what is ingrained in him and he has possibly been trying to hide it from you for all of these years.

I think that it's sad he couldn't express how he was feeling and what his sexual fantasies were....you could have worked something out if you had known.

It isn't your fault and personally, if my OH cheated with a pretty young blonde 19 year old, I'd be devastated as I know that I was once that (in my head lol), whereas if he had sexual relations with his mate Fred, then I know that I was never like that therefore it wasn't because I had gotten older/fatter/skinnier etc

Saying that, cheating is cheating no matter what sexes are involved.

It's difficult, some people will view that same sex cheating as worse (as you do) while others will think that it's easier to cope with.

I'm with the easier to cope with.


If it were me, I would be more inclined to forgive this, however, I would always think that it could happen again given the other party and the feelings that my OH has in respect of needing some sort of bisexual encounters.

Before you think of anything else, you need a practical nudge in the direction of an STI clinic for a check up. (I know that it appears very sexist as I probably wouldn't be saying this if it had been a hetrosexual affair rather than a gay affair)

You need to speak to him to find out how he really feels, does he feel bisexual? How long has he had the feelings that led him to another man?

You don't have to make hasty decisions and you can work things out, although trust is going to be a major factor given that you said you've already caught him out with things in the past.

xx

marisco_2

inneedofsomehelp wrote: »

On a more emotional level can you forgive a same sex relationship?

Betrayal is betrayal to my mind. Whether a partner messes around behind your back with someone of the same or opposite sex, it doesn't lessen how much contempt and total disregard they are showing you. If you are in a healthy and strong relationship, neither party should reduce the other to feeling they have to compete for their partners love, affection and respect. How will you ever trust him again? Once that is gone is anything really left to salvage?

DigForVictory

It's betrayal.
Of course it hurts.
After so nearly 2 decades & with the traditional burdens of mortgage & children as well.
Do the normal things this morning & get yourself to a Family Lawyer & an STD Clinic (& I'd say that whatever gender) ASAP.
Out of sight of the children do the Texas chainsaw massacre fantasies & whatever else helps, but you are going to have to get to a place where you can share their raising eventually & for them, the sooner the better.
Right now, see the experts & ponder boiling oil.

paddy's_mum

Grumpygit wrote: »

you need a practical nudge in the direction of an STI clinic for a check up. (I know that it appears very sexist as I probably wouldn't be saying this if it had been a hetrosexual affair rather than a gay affair)

This is good advice, OP. You must protect your health especially as you have little ones to care for.

I'd also add that if you know now that there have been three episodes of infidelity, what's to say that there are/were more that you didn't find out about. In my view, which gender those episodes were with is irrelevant - there is a risk to your health and that needs addressing as soon as you can.

Damage to trust can be repaired but he keeps on making the same 'mistake', doesn't he? Could I forgive this? No - because I believe that once trust has been destroyed, there is nothing left to build upon.

I'm sorry for your trouble.

lostinrates

If you have committed to a relationship to one other person you have committed to one other person.

It doesn't matter if you also feel a draw to other people of that persons sex, the opposite sex, or pink elephants. Unless there is an agreement to open relationship or some such, then going outside that is a betrayal of that commitment.

Your partner has broken this commitment to you multiple times. I'm afraid I would need more than. ' he is sorry, it won't happen again' because his word is not his bond.

It doesn't matter who he has cheated with. I understand you are struggling to 'understand' but if he is open to sex with both sexes than to him a man and the young receptionist is 'sex', and frankly, both are outside your commitment to each other.


I hesitate to suggest this, but if he is meeting person/ for casual sex can you ask him and go your self, for an STD check. I know its not terribly sympathetic time to raise this, but its probably worth raising. ( edit...oh, not the first. Ok, well, its good advice at least!)


Good luck. Op. take care.

Lunar_Eclipse

I'm sorry you are going through this pain. It's understandable that you are hurt and since you mentioned trying to get through this together, I think you need to give yourself some time to process your emotions without making any rash decisions/commitments and talking as much through with your husband as you can. Ask him to be honest and realistic about his thoughts, actions and future intentions.

Betrayal is betrayal, regardless of gender. Interestingly I've read that many people find it emotionally easier to forgive same sex cheating since there is no competition and thus the jealousy element is different. However I know that's not how you currently feel and I wish you all the best in trying to rebuild your relationship.

In answer to your question, I sadly don't know how you get over something like this, but some people do and some people don't. I'm fairly sure I couldn't forgive cheating and think it would be a devastating end for me personally.

fluffnutter

I think there are probably some nuances but overall the feeling of betrayal is the same. There's the 'competition' issue if your husband sees another woman - 'what has she got that I haven't?'. But then there's the deception if your husband sees another man. Sexuality is so much part of our identities to feel that you've never noticed that your husband might be gay or bisexual can be humiliating.

Like others have said, cheating is cheating regardless of gender. It's easy to get hung up on the detail - what betrayed partner doesn't torture themselves with imagined scenarios? What do they do together? What do they talk about? How do they feel? What is the attraction? What does this say about me? All of these question will flood your mind for some time and the gender issue is simply part of that detail. I hope you find some peace, OP.

thorsoak

Betrayal is betrayal - whatever the sex. And please don't feel that you must have "failed" in one way or another - it is your OH who has failed you.

But you really ought to get yourself tested for STDs .....it is my experience (through friends) that bi-sexuals are generally far more likely to have casual sex without protection.

dandelionclock30

Sorry to say the obvious but your husband is either bisexual or gay always has been and always will be because it doesnt go away ever.
I'd bet if you looked on his computer he'll have been looking at gay !!!!!! and logging on to gay chatrooms all the time.
Do you honestly think that from now on he will remain faithfull to you? He wont Im telling you because the compulsion to seek out and have sex with men will be too great because that is his orientation. He wants something that you can never give him and this will always be the case.
You need to ask yourself if you dont mind him having sex with men whilst hes married to you. Do you want an open relationship?
The bottom line is that a person cannot really change who they are and he will go after men again because its who he is.
I'm sorry for the situation you are now in, like the others say you need to get tested and then think about what you want to do.
Whatever dont blame yourself in any way as its not your fault at all.