change?

flutterby_lil

I tried to change somebody but it didn't work - I think it depends, for me, what you want to change and how long the person has been doing that/had the routine for etc.

itsanne

LEJC wrote: »

Whilst I'm physically the same person I was when we met 20 odd years ago...and he is too

Wish we were! :rotfl::rotfl:

DigForVictory

Bless him, my husband fell for a daft young chit. Had the patience to hang around whuile she matured a bit & finally she woke up & smelled the coffee. He still sees me as the young girl! And I still see the patient, kind, loving friend without whom I'd be utterly sunk.
(As for changing him, I'd need power tools, gelignite & a fallout zone about the size of Canada. And anyway, I love him as he is.)

aileth

I think it depends on what's being asked to change.

If it's an integral part of their personality, I think it's very unreasonable asking them to essentially change 'who they are.'

If however it's some bad habit, such as trying to ignore the washing up as long as possible, leaving wet towels all over the floor, then I don't think it's unreasonable asking them to essentially 'change' and not do that anymore.

I suppose the difficulty is whether leaving wet towels over the floor is an integral part of their personality

spiritsfree

No one will ever be perfect...it`s about seeing the imperfections and loving them anyway, provided that most things are mutually enjoyed and respected !! I`m not the same person that I was when I first met my now partner (First girlfriend) in 1964, but after a gap of 46 years, we couldn`t be happier and more compatible !!

Kayalana99

I'm totally for just being yourself, and the other person should accept that....that being said I did make my partner quit smoking ...it was one of my deal breakers when we started living together because we just couldn't afford for him to smoke and it was the difference between us getting by and not being able to afford the bills!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I am me. Like it or loathe it, that's who I am. I've always had relationships where the man has got a fixed image in his head of how he wants things to appear to others. I've never been able to match up to those expectations and it's ended in disaster. Because the person they actually wanted wasn't me, just somebody who looked a bit like me, if even that.

Basically, I am not a hairy legged earth mother, barefoot, vegan and knocking out six kids within six years. I am not a brainless bimbo who worships the ground men walk on. I am not a super high achieving businesswoman with a fixation upon having a fancy house, car and holidays. I am not somebody's mother substitute, content to stay indoors and spend all my time with him and nobody else.

I am a grumpy old bag, sarcastic and pragmatic. I'm horribly smart but would rather spend my evenings watching monster movies, cartoons and science fiction filums than reading prize nominated literature. I will have drunken conversations about art, history, architecture and almost everything else at 3am. I feel painfully awkward and shy around people, but will happily go on stage and make a complete twit of myself. I always want to do the right thing and I would describe myself as slighty battered and tattered and torn round the edges by life. I want to do the right thing even if it's not the easiest or most beneficial option. I have periods of high moods and energy and sometimes I feel desperately sad.

And I want to be accepted for how I am now, not an idealised, sanitised version of myself where I have no faults, nothing special, nothing different, nothing damaged or dysfunctional. Because those things will all still be there under the surface, just waiting to come out when I can't hide them anymore.



People have tried to change me. It's ended in disaster and the resulting fallout has hurt more than just one person - it's hurt complete innocents as well.

I certainly wouldn't want somebody I could change - if I wanted a pet, I'd get a dog; I want a kind, funny, smart and decent man who I can trust enough to be able to occasionally say to 'no, I'm not OK.' And for him to be secure enough to be able to say the same to me.


So no, changing somebody is an awful idea. The most you should do is support them to be the best person they can be, which includes being honest and telling them when you think they are wrong, but ultimately respecting their choices and decisions.

Vicky123

I think the problem starts when they do change, becoming someone you would never have settled down with in the first place, ending up wondering where that great man/woman went.

marisco_2

I think in the healthiest relationships each partner wants to communicate well, listen, compromise and be open to trying things /seeing things from another perspective. That just involves being mature and handling a partnership as an adult.

If someone feels the need to change who they fundamentally are to meet their partners needs, then to my mind they are with someone who they aren't compatible with. You don't need to change or hide aspects of yourself with a partner you are well suited to. They will know you inside out and accept you for who you are, warts and all.

Hermia

Vicky123 wrote: »

I think the problem starts when they do change, becoming someone you would never have settled down with in the first place, ending up wondering where that great man/woman went.

Or you get the opposite where person A changes for the better and person B then doesn't like it because they then feel insecure!