Time off from school for access visits

LEJC

i think that if your ex in unwilling to travel whether that be because he cant afford it or for whatever reason the way forward would be to suggest longer visits in the school holidays and at half term and bank holidays etc.


At the age of 13 your son is most likely very cabable of making the journey but realistically as time goes on and he becomes more involved in preparations for GCSE's etc its unlikely that hes going to want to make a long journey once a month for what is in effect a days visit on top of homework etc


Its not any of our business or something you have to answer but what prompted the move by your husband....?
if he cant afford the travel costs then presumably it wasnt a better job...I wonder if in fact its linked to a desire to distance himself from his previous life...


School terms are quite short nowadays or so it seems to me so the difference between travelling once a month for one day or every 9 weeks for maybe 3 or 4 quality days seems much more appealing.

DigForVictory

Ex-Primary School Governor here.
This will give any right thinking Head a nasty lurch in the abdominal region. Permitting time off school, regularly, for access? NO! Education is vital & some years those five days matter a lot more than others. To say nothing of the precedent it sets.

However, wellbeing of the child. Age becomes critical here. He's old enough to make a 6 hour train trip on his own? Probably not a primary school child then, but between 11&14, not doing GCSEs. Might be prepared to look away, although it'll crash his attendance scores (& thus School Stats) & Fridays might impact on school trips & events, so it might adversely affect his involvement in extracurricular things. He might be not picked for sports teams as he can't be guaranteed for a specific match (injury means you can never be 100% certain, but every coach wants to pick winners, not if-he's-here-s). He might not get a role in a school play if we have to ensure the understudy is up to standard for one night.

As a Head, I'd be asking you sincerely if the father couldn't come down every other month, if we couldn't offer a private half hour in the IT suite skyping, if there was anything else you could do to keep your lad within our regular reach, every day of the school year.

And when GCSE season starts, expect no quarter from school & give none to your ex. They have something like 64 weeks between starting the course & the day in the exam hall. As the school is judged on its pupils progress, you cannot expect we will cooperate in anything that might affect his chances & a tiring jaunt up to Scotland in termtime with possible emotional upheavals triggered thereby? We'd not want to cooperate - if he went absent, you'd be getting letters & if we spotted a pattern, we might try the truancy line - even when we know what's going on. As it is not fair on the boy.

We might ask has CAFCASS any involvement or input here & has the son made it clear he wants contact? As Dad has voted with his boots, no matter what the pretext.

We might also ask what can we do to help with positive male role models locally - after school sports, Scouts, that sort of thing. It isn't Dad time & it isn't meant to be, but it'll offer him a choice of folks who might plug the gap a bit.

If we're really on the ball, we'll even ask how *you* are doing. Are you in touch with *all* the local single parent support available? As we may know a few groups or forums that aren't as advertised.

As teachers, governors, Heads want the best for all their pupils & if that means helping parents too, we do our best to help! If we're allowed. Please talk to your school - let them know what's going on.

Let them try to think of things you haven't, but please, keep your son in school as near to 100% of the time as you can. You do not get a second schooldays & while they can be the happiest days, they can also be some of the worst with puberty and peers and all the additional devils of Double Maths.


Please, keep him in school.

Nikkisun

LEJC wrote: »

Its not any of our business or something you have to answer but what prompted the move by your husband....?
if he cant afford the travel costs then presumably it wasnt a better job...I wonder if in fact its linked to a desire to distance himself from his previous life...
.

It wasn't for a better job - he just transferred up there in the same role.
In a way you're right it was to distance himself, he'd run up a multitude of debts and had managed to lose a lot of friends by always being the person looking to borrow!

He moved up north as that's where his family are based and he thinks he can have a better lifestyle as the cost of living is cheaper up there (I'm based in the south east where rent etc is quite high).

Nikkisun

DigForVictory wrote: »

Ex-Primary School Governor here.


And when GCSE season starts, expect no quarter from school & give none to your ex. They have something like 64 weeks between starting the course & the day in the exam hall. As the school is judged on its pupils progress, you cannot expect we will cooperate in anything that might affect his chances & a tiring jaunt up to Scotland in termtime with possible emotional upheavals triggered thereby? We'd not want to cooperate - if he went absent, you'd be getting letters & if we spotted a pattern, we might try the truancy line - even when we know what's going on. As it is not fair on the boy.
This is what I thought - that they'd think there's a pattern to the absence and then the school welfare officer will become involved.

We might ask has CAFCASS any involvement or input here & has the son made it clear he wants contact? As Dad has voted with his boots, no matter what the pretext.
Son definitely wants contact - as far as he's concerned his dad can do no wrong, in fact as far as he's concerned he'd rather live up there than down here!

We might also ask what can we do to help with positive male role models locally - after school sports, Scouts, that sort of thing. It isn't Dad time & it isn't meant to be, but it'll offer him a choice of folks who might plug the gap a bit.
He's recently started Army Cadets which he loves so I'm hoping that will help.



As teachers, governors, Heads want the best for all their pupils & if that means helping parents too, we do our best to help! If we're allowed. Please talk to your school - let them know what's going on.

Let them try to think of things you haven't, but please, keep your son in school as near to 100% of the time as you can. You do not get a second schooldays & while they can be the happiest days, they can also be some of the worst with puberty and peers and all the additional devils of Double Maths.


Please, keep him in school.
I plan to - I just wanted to check what the position was so I can have my arguement ready!

Thanks for the different point of view. I think I've answered most of your points.

rpc

Son definitely wants contact - as far as he's concerned his dad can do no wrong, in fact as far as he's concerned he'd rather live up there than down here!

At the age of 13, your son is able (or nearly able) to make decisions about who he lives with. Tread carefully...

Dunroamin

I'm sure you've already thought of this but could he save time on the journey by flying instead of going by train - there can be quite good deals between regional airports.

LannieDuck

Nikkisun wrote: »

As a compromise I've emailed his dad suggesting that on the seven months that there's a school holiday then my son travels up as he can spend more time up there and on the other five months then he travels down, I'll be surprised if I get a reply and downright astounded if he agrees!

That sounds like an excellent compromise to me. If ex has moved so far away, he really can't expect his 13 year old son to do all the travelling to visit.

Do you have an official contact arrangement in place? If not, I would be inclined to go ahead with this arrangement if he ignores you. You've tried to engage him in a discussion about it, you've found a suitable compromise, and frankly no court is going to require a 13 year old to travel so far every month to suit a NRP who's moved so far away on a (apparent) whim.

Who's paying for son's train tickets? Since ex was the one who chose to move, it really should be him. At the very most I would split the cost. I certainly wouldn't fund it all myself.

And if ex can afford to pay for a ticket for his son, he can damn well pay for his own ticket and do the journey himself. Shame he burnt his bridges with his mates otherwise he could probably have avoided B&B costs when he got down here.


(You might be able to tell from the tone of my writing that this has made me angry on your behalf :P)

Nikkisun

rpc wrote: »

At the age of 13, your son is able (or nearly able) to make decisions about who he lives with. Tread carefully...

Unfortunately I do realise this (although I'm sure his dad would make every excuse not to have him there permanently) hence why I'm trying to be as easygoing as I can over access.

Nikkisun

Dunroamin wrote: »

I'm sure you've already thought of this but could he save time on the journey by flying instead of going by train - there can be quite good deals between regional airports.

Unfortunately it would take longer (through travelling to airports) than it does on the train.

Nikkisun

LannieDuck wrote: »

That sounds like an excellent compromise to me. If ex has moved so far away, he really can't expect his 13 year old son to do all the travelling to visit.

Do you have an official contact arrangement in place? If not, I would be inclined to go ahead with this arrangement if he ignores you. You've tried to engage him in a discussion about it, you've found a suitable compromise, and frankly no court is going to require a 13 year old to travel so far every month to suit a NRP who's moved so far away on a (apparent) whim.

Who's paying for son's train tickets? Since ex was the one who chose to move, it really should be him. At the very most I would split the cost. I certainly wouldn't fund it all myself.

And if ex can afford to pay for a ticket for his son, he can damn well pay for his own ticket and do the journey himself. Shame he burnt his bridges with his mates otherwise he could probably have avoided B&B costs when he got down here.


(You might be able to tell from the tone of my writing that this has made me angry on your behalf :P)

There's no formal arrangement - we've been apart for nearly 3 years now and when he lived down here I bent over backwards to accommodate him, often changing plans last minute so he could see his son when he wanted and for as long as he wanted.

He does send me money for the train tickets but there are times when I can't get the cheap tickets that I end up having to pay the extra (although i tend to use Tesco Clubcard points to make up the difference).