I'm a saver, he's a BIG spender.

paddy's_mum

MissMango08 wrote: »

He lives with his parents ..and..pays ALL the bills, all the extras

his mum takes his debit card to the supermarket each week..

He's been working for years and years and doesn't have a penny to his name

I really don't mean to insult you in any way nor am I implying that you're a liar (honest ) but this just doesn't hang together.

He pays all the bills - what, the council tax, the mortgage, the phone and internet charges, the gas, the electricity, the household insurances etc and they pay absolutely nothing? And yet, he says, he spends £70 a week just on takeaways while simultaneously forking out for all the food, cleaning materials, loo rolls, laundry products etc for his parents.

He must be on one helluva high salary to do that.

Do you know what? I think he is just a wastrel and having heard a sensible, mse comment or two from you, he is telling you a whole load of porkies to try and convince you that his poverty is not his fault - poor ickle lad, whose parents are robbing him blind :A

In your shoes? I'd be finding some other 'perfect' man - one who has actually got something to bring to the table 'for the future' apart from sex appeal.

krlyr

January20 wrote: »

The expensive hobby is worrying. He won't want to give that up in a hurry! Nor will he want to give up the take-aways. Not until he gets to rock bottom and do you really want to be there to suffer through it too?

Does it have to be about giving up? Before I met OH, he practically lived on takeaways. He invited me around for dinner and got out his folder of takeaway menus - quite an extensive collection :rotfl: We did indulge quite a bit in the initial dating stage, but when we were living together, home cooked dinners often trumped takeaways, and when we decided to cut down our spending to save for a house, takeaways are one of the things that we cut down drastically on. We occasionally treat ourselves now and then - we see what spare cash we have, and we often go for the cheaper option (local chippy, for example, rather than Chinese, so we spend less than £10 instead of £20)

Ditto with our hobbies, we learnt to compromise. Big splurges, like new equipment, are a treat and not bought spur of the moment like "pre-house". Savings are made - I tend to make a lot of my dogs' treats instead of buying them at two or three times the cost for example.

No learning or teaching needed, we're both adults with the ability to readjust our priorities dependant on our situation. Yes, I think it's fortunate we both ended up having a similar attitude towards money in the end - but I certainly wasn't always so thrifty, and OH certainly didn't squirrel every penny away at the expense of going without his gadgets and gizmos.

I don't think anyone can say what this guy would do with his money long-term, I just don't think someone's actions as a 20-something with no need to save reflects how they will act for the rest of their life.

PuzzledDave

To me it sounds like he has yet to have a NEED to save - so why bother ? He is living in a secure place and money to spend where ever his heart desires. To rule he cannot change before there is any real need for him to seems a little unfair.

Obviously it depends greatly on how advanced the relationship is - but maybe if/when you think about moving into a home together, lay out your concerns BEFORE you move in and keep finances separate !

Dozey_crow

MissMango08 wrote: »

Hey everyone, I'm new to this forum, I'm posting here because you all seem to give really good advice so I hope you wouldn't mind helping me!

I have been talking to this guy for over a year now. We are in our 20's and he's a couple of years older than me. I have just graduated from uni and have got my first job, and he has been working since 16.

Through experience of uni, and my parents knowledge, I am inherently a saver. I save at every opportunity I get, and I know from looking at this forum that mortgages are increasingly harder to get. Which is why I am saving £800 of my wage each month towards as big a deposit as I can gather. The rest goes to my parents, and I save £75 a month for the odd things I need to buy. I walk to and from work, and make my own lunches, I don't drink or smoke so have very little expenditure. I find pleasure in things that are mainly free, going on walks with friends, looking at events that are on and planning in advance, training my border collie etc.

However, the guy that I have been talking to lets his parents walk all over him. He lives with his parents, however pays ALL the bills, all the extras, his mum takes his debit card to the supermarket each week etc, so essentially they are living off of him. On top of that, he has a very expensive hobby which requires things to be bought for it all the time. Last night he told me that he ordered one thing which cost £300. However he liked the look of it so much that he decided to keep it for display in his room, and then ordered another one for £300. However he then decided to talk to other people in his hobby and they told him he needed a bigger thing which is more expensive. So he's going to use the two smaller things together and then buy ANOTHER ONE for display. I just can't understand it. He also spends about £70 on takeaways a week, and lots of other little things. He's been working for years and years and doesn't have a penny to his name.

I've learnt a hard lesson, you really can't change people, they have to change for themselves.. is this something that will apply to this situation do you think? I don't know what to do, apart from this issue he is the perfect guy...

I'm sorry Miss M but I am off the same opinion as everyone else.

The part that worries me the most is " However, the guy that I have been talking to lets his parents walk all over him. He lives with his parents, however pays ALL the bills, all the extras, his mum takes his debit card to the supermarket each week etc, so essentially they are living off of him". :eek::eek: It seems mighty peculiar. Is there a reason why he needs to do that? More importantly can you be sure that this would stop if you were to move in together or would you be spending your cash on you two and he would still be suppoting his family? Do you really want a future like that?

Not to mention the expensive hobby which he appears to prioritize quite heavily...:eek:

It seems like you have your head screwed on you have prioritized saving for your future have adapted your lifestyle to suit. My advice is to continue as you are, keep looking and find someone with similar goals and priorities. There's are some single men out there with a similar ethos... Keep looking;).

MissMango08

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I really don't mean to insult you in any way nor am I implying that you're a liar (honest ) but this just doesn't hang together.

He pays all the bills - what, the council tax, the mortgage, the phone and internet charges, the gas, the electricity, the household insurances etc and they pay absolutely nothing? And yet, he says, he spends £70 a week just on takeaways while simultaneously forking out for all the food, cleaning materials, loo rolls, laundry products etc for his parents.

He must be on one helluva high salary to do that.

Do you know what? I think he is just a wastrel and having heard a sensible, mse comment or two from you, he is telling you a whole load of porkies to try and convince you that his poverty is not his fault - poor ickle lad, whose parents are robbing him blind :A

In your shoes? I'd be finding some other 'perfect' man - one who has actually got something to bring to the table 'for the future' apart from sex appeal.

Sorry I should've explained a little more! From as far as I can tell, his parents don't have a mortgage, I know they don't have any insurance for anything from things he's told me, he pays all the utilities, phone/tv/internet, and he's mentioned his mum spends £100 a week of his money on shopping. But you do actually raise a very good point!When I was thinking about it this morning, how can he afford everything? I know he's not on a brilliant wage.. and I have asked him why he lets his mum spend that much a week at the supermarket, and then doesn't actually utilise much of it and has takeaways. He says it's because its so good :huh:

Urgh... why am I even bothering with this? I know that his hobby isn't something he will ever give up so why am I still hanging around? He's really REALLY into it, he's been around it all since he was born, his family is into it, all his friends are from it, it's a life long thing...

MissMango08

Dozey_crow wrote: »

I'm sorry Miss M but I am off the same opinion as everyone else.

The part that worries me the most is " However, the guy that I have been talking to lets his parents walk all over him. He lives with his parents, however pays ALL the bills, all the extras, his mum takes his debit card to the supermarket each week etc, so essentially they are living off of him". :eek::eek: It seems mighty peculiar. Is there a reason why he needs to do that? More importantly can you be sure that this would stop if you were to move in together or would you be spending your cash on you two and he would still be suppoting his family? Do you really want a future like that?

Not to mention the expensive hobby which he appears to prioritize quite heavily...:eek:

It seems like you have your head screwed on you have prioritized saving for your future have adapted your lifestyle to suit. My advice is to continue as you are, keep looking and find someone with similar goals and priorities. There's are some single men out there with a similar ethos... Keep looking;).

I've just replied to someone about the quote you've just quoted, and I honestly don't understand why he pays so much. I don't know what his parents do, I completely understand paying your fair share, which I do, my parents let me pay a little less than my fair share as they know I'm trying to save for the future, but I compensate by doing all of the hoovering, cleaning, dusting, washing, and cook dinner a lot of the time. My mum does the ironing, and cooks dinner with me, and my dad is disabled so can't do much.

I have a question for the people for the people who say that if he doesn't have an incentive to save why should he? I completely understand what you're saying and value your opinion, but I can't help but think, if you have the means to save, isn't it like an instinctive thing to do to save? It brings security, and less worry about your financial status. And eventually he will want to move out, just like I eventually will want to move out, I am saving up so I am in the position to do so. I don't have any definite plans as of yet, but I want to have that option when I decide I want to. So shouldn't he be saving anyway?

19lottie82

What's the hobby, just out of curiosity?

PuzzledDave

MissMango08 wrote: »

I have a question for the people for the people who say that if he doesn't have an incentive to save why should he? I completely understand what you're saying and value your opinion, but I can't help but think, if you have the means to save, isn't it like an instinctive thing to do to save? It brings security, and less worry about your financial status. And eventually he will want to move out, just like I eventually will want to move out, I am saving up so I am in the position to do so. I don't have any definite plans as of yet, but I want to have that option when I decide I want to. So shouldn't he be saving anyway?

People smoke and drink even though they know full well it's bad for them. Ditto gambling and eating too much plus a whole range of other things. In this case, his spending addiction harms no one at all - even him (assuming he is not putting it all on the never never).

Give him a goal to save for, maybe he will surprise you.

paddy's_mum

MissMango08 wrote: »

I know they don't have any insurance for anything

I know he's not on a brilliant wage..

So, they're ruddy stupid and he's telling porkies

krlyr

MissMango08 wrote: »

I have a question for the people for the people who say that if he doesn't have an incentive to save why should he? I completely understand what you're saying and value your opinion, but I can't help but think, if you have the means to save, isn't it like an instinctive thing to do to save? It brings security, and less worry about your financial status. And eventually he will want to move out, just like I eventually will want to move out, I am saving up so I am in the position to do so. I don't have any definite plans as of yet, but I want to have that option when I decide I want to. So shouldn't he be saving anyway?

My dad never had any urge to buy a property so none of us were really raised with the desire to save for a house - and like I say, by the time I'd left home, owning my own house seemed an impossible achievement on my wage alone. Living with family, albeit brothers rather than parents, seemed to be a longer term plan than it ended up being so at that stage I didn't see any need to save any more than a few hundred for emergencies.

Once it became a much more realistic possibility, I put a lot more effort into it!