I'm a saver, he's a BIG spender.

MissMango08

Hey everyone, I'm new to this forum, I'm posting here because you all seem to give really good advice so I hope you wouldn't mind helping me!

I have been talking to this guy for over a year now. We are in our 20's and he's a couple of years older than me. I have just graduated from uni and have got my first job, and he has been working since 16.

Through experience of uni, and my parents knowledge, I am inherently a saver. I save at every opportunity I get, and I know from looking at this forum that mortgages are increasingly harder to get. Which is why I am saving £800 of my wage each month towards as big a deposit as I can gather. The rest goes to my parents, and I save £75 a month for the odd things I need to buy. I walk to and from work, and make my own lunches, I don't drink or smoke so have very little expenditure. I find pleasure in things that are mainly free, going on walks with friends, looking at events that are on and planning in advance, training my border collie etc.

However, the guy that I have been talking to lets his parents walk all over him. He lives with his parents, however pays ALL the bills, all the extras, his mum takes his debit card to the supermarket each week etc, so essentially they are living off of him. On top of that, he has a very expensive hobby which requires things to be bought for it all the time. Last night he told me that he ordered one thing which cost £300. However he liked the look of it so much that he decided to keep it for display in his room, and then ordered another one for £300. However he then decided to talk to other people in his hobby and they told him he needed a bigger thing which is more expensive. So he's going to use the two smaller things together and then buy ANOTHER ONE for display. I just can't understand it. He also spends about £70 on takeaways a week, and lots of other little things. He's been working for years and years and doesn't have a penny to his name.

I've learnt a hard lesson, you really can't change people, they have to change for themselves.. is this something that will apply to this situation do you think? I don't know what to do, apart from this issue he is the perfect guy...


UPDATE

I tried talking to him some more about all of this and to try find out some more about why,and I found out that he's taken out three loans so far in his life to buy 'shiny things' . He said he had the money in his account but 'didn't like spending it' so took out loans to pay for the stuff and then paid the loans back, and obviously with interest. And he sees nothing wrong with it.

carefullycautious

:eek: RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN

redcard

I was gonna say "At least he's not your boyfriend", then read the last line!

elona

Don't just run - get a bus

The fact he has not saved anything could be changed but spending lots on a hobby and giving a bank card to someone else to use without checking as a regular event does not bode well.

geminilady

It is never going to work,you are worlds apart,you need to find someone with similar views to your own

Upsidedown_Bear

MissMango08 wrote: »

I don't know what to do, apart from this issue he is the perfect guy...

If he was the perfect guy there wouldn't be this issue.

bagpussbear

People can only change if they want to.

Have you told him what you think? if so, what was his reaction?

Why not buy him a book on managing money as a gift, perhaps one of Martin's or one I read years back which I liked was The Money Secret by Rob Parsons, but there loads out there to choose from.

If you haven't got romantically involved with this guy then I wouldn't even try until things change, you are polar opposites to each other financially so the arguments would start very fast!

krlyr

To be fair, until I met OH and we decided to save for a house, I had very little savings to my name. I was renting fairly cheaply by living with my brothers, though not earning a huge wage. However, anything spare I just spent - food, clothes, gadgets. I also spent a lot (in comparison to my wages) on my hobbies - my pets. I'd not think much of ordering the dogs £150 worth of treats or toys, buying £300 of new cages for my small furries, etc. as it made me happy.

Once OH and I moved in and decided to save for a house, we set spending budgets and I've adhered to these pretty strictly since (now we own the house, the spare goes partly to savings, partly to overpayments). We've had the odd joint blowout - in reality, we can afford it, it just means a smaller overpayment of the mortgage - but I've basically had a set spending budget for the past 3 or so years.

So just because this guy hasn't felt the need to save so far, doesn't mean he can't. Maybe he just doesn't have the right incentive - I think part of the reason I wasn't saving is because I didn't see it feasible being able to afford to buy a place on my own. Meeting OH made it a much more realistic option. Maybe this guy feels he will live with his family for a long time to come - it sounds like they're quite dependant on him financially.

Also I think wages play a role here - my OH isn't on a bad wage so spending out on some of his music related gadgets may seem extravagent to some, but he's still able to afford, say, to buy some new speakers yet we can still make an overpayment on the mortgage that month. We stick to our budgets so well, and we're pretty thrifty all around (lots of HM meals, we don't have expensive social lives, we shop around for the best deals etc.) so I think splurging out occasionally on his hobby is well deserved. It sounds like this guy has a huge financial responsibility to his family - maybe his hobby is his break from all that.

BitterAndTwisted

Keep him as a date but don't plan on anything long-term with him. Differing attitudes to money and long-term planning will break up a couple quicker and more painfully than infidelity. I'd also find it impossible to have any respect for someone allowing himself to be so obviously exploited.

tanith

Tell him how you feel and give him an opportunity to change his ways if thats what he wants but if he doesn't see his attitude to money is a problem then walk away.. I was in a similar situation 20 odd years ago my perfect man changed his ways became an avid saver , gave up his costly hobby over the next few years and we married bought a house and lived happy ever after.. he now has lots of other hobbies that cost less but he enjoys more.

January20

Do you really want to spend your energy "training" him to be more sensible with money if the relationship develops? Having to be like some women who post on here and have to be in complete control of all the money and give their partner spending money like a child? Because they won't be educated about basic finances?

Do you want the risk of falling head over heels in love with him, him making promises to change but not changing, still being exploited by his family (that's going to be a hard one to change!), and then finding that actually he's not changing and, as he is dragging your down with him, all your dreams are disappearing?

The expensive hobby is worrying. He won't want to give that up in a hurry! Nor will he want to give up the take-aways. Not until he gets to rock bottom and do you really want to be there to suffer through it too?

He is NOT the perfect guy. There would be no problems with the perfect guy!