When people say...don't bring anything...

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

That's so uncharitable!

People don't bring stuff to be rude, they bring it to show appreciation and gratitude. The world won't end if there's an extra cake or dip.

I know they don't bring it to be anything other than kind, and you are right, rude is the wrong word, discourteous is more apt. And the world will not end either, and I certainly would be gracious about it, but I do plan things carefully and in a balanced way......and while the world might not end the harmony might be disrupted at a more formal evening. At a more relaxed evening of course it would be less of a drama.

In the same way we used to host a jam session in our home.....any old instrument turned up and it was always a hoot.......but when people were invited to recitals they weren't expected to sit in, just to relax and enjoy if they accepted the invitation. Set lists would be disrupted if peoe turned up wanting to play their tune.

Person_one

Its not discourteous either.

lostinrates

fluffnutter wrote: »

I'd take nothing and make sure I write a really nice thank you card afterwards. If people say 'bring nothing' and then feel resentful when their guests arrive empty-handed, it's absolutely their own fault for being passive-aggressive.

Don't second guess people, it's just perpetuates obtuse behaviour. 'Bring nothing' should be taken as precisely that.

I think the thank you letter approach only is also acceptable, but I prefer to take something that can be laid down for later. I would never hold it against someone who brought nothing. I'd rather people brought nothing or a bottle of wine personally.


Very personally I find. Flowers when I'm hosting slightly awkward. I LOVE them and always like having them, but it can be a hassle finding vases while last miniute food prepping especially if you have already filled most of your vases! I like those pont setias as I have already killed ones that arrived earlier in the month by Christmas and they don't need tending immediately (or is that why mine die?)

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

Its not discourteous either.

Maybe this is an occasion we should agree to differ?

Torry_Quine

If told don't bring anything then that's precisely what I would do. If they want me to bring something then they should say so.

Person_one

lostinrates wrote: »

Maybe this is an occasion we should agree to differ?

Well, probably, but it bothers me that this is what you think of your friends when they try to make a nice gesture.

lostinrates

Person_one wrote: »

Well, probably, but it bothers me that this is what you think of your friends when they try to make a nice gesture.

I think they are kind but I wish they hadn't? I'm no saint, people sometimes act in a way I wish they didn't , even people I love and respect. Often me too.

It doesn't happen very often, the most frequent thing we get is wine and flowers. ( both warmly received). And on the occasion it has happened I am confident the gifted has not been aware they have inadvertently 'frustrated my balanced plans'. I wouldn't say it alters my fundamental opinion of people because they 'bring a dip'. I just think its mildly discourteous. I personally wouldn't do it. I particularly wouldn't do it (or bring anything short shelf life) if , as in this case it had been discussed and agreed not to. That, in my social circle, is politely interpreted as something like 'don't get under the host's/hosts' feet in the kitchen. To take something suggests, under such circumstances, you feel the hosts offering needs boosting. That's why I feel its discourteous.

victory

Netwizard wrote: »

I'm another one where if I am told "Don't bring anything" then I don't.

I'm male. If you want me to bring something, just bloody well say so and don't play games!

Got it in one:D everyone seems too evasive these days including my OH, silly man, they rang to ask for our fav meats and OH goes ' oh don't worry, anything, anything will do', well it would if we ate lamb, which we don't and which I know the hosts love or beef which we don't eat so OH why not just be specific and everyone knows where they stand and it is all spoken about and there is no chance of a beautiful slaved ofver lamb which we don't eat:mad: oh he says I was just trying to be non difficult:eek: uff for the questions and the answers to be properly addressed and honestly answered:D:D:D

fluffnutter

Netwizard wrote: »

I'm another one where if I am told "Don't bring anything" then I don't.

I'm male. If you want me to bring something, just bloody well say so and don't play games!

I'm female but I've always thought I'm pretty straightforward. When asked once what I'd like for my birthday I said to the OH 'Nothing. Let's just go out for a nice meal'. And I meant it. When he ran this past some male (and female) friends not one of them believed I was genuine - they all told him that I'd be really cross if he did indeed get me nothing. Just goes to show how many women do play these sorts of silly games. When I say 'nothing' I mean 'nothing'. It's no wonder that men and women struggle to understand each other if one of them is hell-bent on meaning the exact opposite of what they say.

I don't like casual sexism - I usually shy away from saying 'women do this' or 'men are like that'. But in this one case I make an exception. Some women, not all obviously, really do behave in these opaque ways. It's like they've been taught it's wrong to be up front, that they have to trick men all the time, that they have to use their 'feminine wiles' to get what they want. Makes me shudder.

Liz3yy

I also believe that "don't bring anything" means we would like something small and shareable like a box of chocolates or a bottle of fizz, but then I've been bought to always take something for the host when invited to their house. Even when visiting a friend for the weekend I always take a bottle of wine, or cider depending on who I'm seeing.