Ex not turning up for son!

Harrysmum_2

Hi there jsut needing a bit of help!

When i split with my sons dad about 4 yrs ago we arranged that he would have him every other wkend(worked shifts) from friday to sunday and one day in the wk this went on for about a yr then it changed when he met someone else and it would change from wk to wk but he would still have him.He was from the start paying me money for our son straight into my bank each wk then after an argument about a jumper(stupid) which was left at ex's house he stopped payin and didnt turn up to pick our son up even after we both left messages.

Then after a yr of him not see him we bumped into him(his girlfriend lived just down the road) at our local garage and my son said he wanted to see him which i agreed to.
He then said that he could only have him on a sunday(11-5)and maybe a wed nite for a couple of hrs to which i said i didnt really won't him havin him in the wk because he was just about to start full time schl and maybe in a few wks after hes settled in but he said dont bother he'll have him just on sundays.
So for about a yr now he has had him on and off every sunday if not i have said he could have him other days but he said hes busy. Then 2wks ago we had an argument about the council house we use to live in(i moved out and left him there how stupid i was)as the council chucked him out and he didnt think to tell my son that he was no longer there.
He was then suppose to pick him up on sunday just gone at 11 and never tuned up no phone call no message nothing.i texted him to see where he was but have not heared anything.

Well the question is what do i do now?i've given him plenty of chances before its upsettin for my son and i dont want him being mucked around again.

Do i stop contact all together?
or
Just wait and see if he turns up one day?

Thanks for your time.
xx

Dan_Thunder

Obviously you can't stop him from not seeing your son. What I would do, in your shoes, is keep a record of every time you've arranged for him to see your son and whether or not he turned up. Down the line it may come in handy if you want to issue him with an ultimatum.

outrageous_monkey

I've been here and I know how upsetting it is to see your child, sat waiting for his dad to turn up and then doesnt........it takes so much to bite your tongue in front of the kids, doesnt it?

First off, I would just wait and see. Dont say to your child, Daddy might come on Sunday. Either make plans or have a stand by plan if he doesnt turn up. So if you know he should be there by 11am and its now 11.20 just say 'right come on kids, get your coats on and lets go to the park'. If your child is still young enough to not grasp the time concept then dont tell him what time it is, so they wont get anxious too.


If he doesnt come this weekend then you know that he is sulking like a child somewhere. Then only you can decide what the future holds with your son and his dad.

As for me, my ex sperm donor (better than some words I can use) had a baby with his wife last September. My son (he use to go and stay for the weekend every other fortnight) was sat there all ready and waiting for his dad to turn up.....never did. When I phoned him, I put the phone on speaker so my son could hear (he is older than your son tho) to which new wife said, were not coming anymore now we have a baby. Or words to that affect. All I've siad to him is, if ever he wants to speak to his dad or go all he has to do is ask to phone him. Since September he has been once..........he came home and said he was never going again. Apprantly I filled his head with rubbish......I didnt need to do that cos sperm donor has done that all by himself.

Harrysmum_2

Thanks for that.i think will keep a record of when he hasn't turned up.


Cheers thanks.

Harrysmum_2

Thanks outrageous monkey.
It was hard this wkend because the wk before he had said that he would do certain things with my son on sunday and he was really lookin forward to it but yet again he let him down.
If i do ever try to contact him he never answers his phone and i do tell my son this so he knows.
If he doesn't turn up this wkend we are goin out this has already be sorted.
Its hard for us as my husband has 2 children with ex and she is so bitter she stops him seeing his children when she likes so we have both situations in our house.

Thanks again

MrsTinks

It sounds like he isn't very bothered about seeing his son so if I were you I'd back off and leave it up to him to make contact about seeing his son. How old is your son?
Is he paying child support? If not then get on to the child benefit agency! As a child of divorced parents I agree it's tough to get messed about by parents but kids are pretty resillient. Just be honest with your son, don't slate his dad, but don't make excuses for him either.
When my parents split up my mother moved away and I was left with my dad who worked long hours to ensure that he could look after me properly, my mother sent money to help out and later when after my fathers 3 marriage borke up I went and lived with my grandparents for 2 years and my parents both sent money, then I moved to my dads again then my mums and at 17 I left home... My parents were always honest with me, if they couldn't see me whilst I was living with the other parent due to money problems then they would tell me so, they didn't make up excuses. In the same vein I grew up feeling able to tell my parents if I didn't want to visit them because I didn't want to share the time with my step siblings/didn't like my step mum etc... There was never any nasty feeling behind it, but it did mean I never learnt to make up excuses, instead I learnt to tell the real reasons but without being nasty or spiteful. So... I guess I'm saying ignore your ex, tell your son the real reason - ie you don't know why daddy isn't calling him or picking him up, and say if he wants then you will make sure it's not because daddy is hurt, but don't try and make excuses for him.
And no matter how angry you are with your ex... don't slate him infront of your son, just be factual I KNOW my dad was a drip when he was married to my mum, but whilst mum never hid my fathers faults she also never pointed them out to me. And he in turn has never pointed out that she left us for another man - and love my mum as I do then 20+ years on I still haven't forgotten that she left me... I was 3 or 4 at the time and I remember a lot from back then, so will your son and I'm sure he'd rather remember good stuff instead of any negative feelings that were flying round at the time

Sorry that all sounds very patronising I guess... honestly it's not meant to be!! Ultimately don't let his uselessness as a father ruin your relationship with your son and certainly don't allow him to cause you any stress!

Harrysmum_2

My son is 6 this yr.
He did ask why he didnt come and i just said i didnt know.
HE asked this mornin before schl when he would see him and the answer was the same.
He pays csa doe when im luck enought to get it.
Thanks

djdido2

Hi Harrysmum

first of all *hugs* to you and your son!. I too can mirror you situation regarding dad not showing up. It can be heart breaking at times, i know how hard it is. If i were you i would leave it altogether and let his dad do the "running" to make contact with your little one.

My son is four. Dad popped in and out of his life when it pleased him or fit in with his schedule. The contact drifted into barely nothing and now my son has not seen dad for over 6 months. He sent no card or present for his birthday. That hurt but my conclusion is that my son has a mummy who loves him to the end of the earth and back again and thats all he needs.

My son will constantly ask for daddy and want to ring him up to talk to him. I covered for him so many times by making excuses to my son but now I tell him the truth without obviously trying to poison his daddy at the same time.

I would not try to imply its easy just to get on with it but your little one will be just as happy and balanced without him.

HTH

Dido

Harrysmum_2

Its just nice to hear that i'm not the only one that has this problem.
I to have tried coverin for his dad but i feel it best to tell him as much as i can with out things lookin bad.
We've been though this before but my sons another yr older and knows alot more.

Thanks again

jazzyjustlaw

Although I think all children should see their parents, I would let him make the effort. Stick to a routine, fair enough if he has to change it on the ODD occasion but if he mucks about I would stick to a day and thats it. If its a problem offer mediation, if not let him make an Application to the Court. May sound harsh but stopping and starting contact may upset your child more. Children need routine, it doesnt matter what your ex needs.

Only my opinion tho.

Katie~baby

This makes me so mad! There are so many dads out there fighting to see their kids and you get people like this who make no effort at all.

By the sounds of it your doing everything you can, apart from physically dragging him to your house theres nothing more you can do. Its a real shame for him to let your son down like that and awful for your son to be left waiting.

I would explain to your ex how it is affecting your son and ask if he can at least stick to the agreed times or if he is finding the times difficult is there anything you can do to ensure that contact stays regular, maybe dropping him off and collecting him from his dads house?

Good luck