Ex not turning up for son!

Harrysmum_2

Thanks Katie baby.
Its hard for my hubby as he has 2 children with ex and he has done all he can to see his kids but ex only lets him see them once a month if that she usualy changes her mind.This time we won't have seen them for 3mths when we get them next.
His ex is very nasty aswell tells kids things they really dont need to know(money stuff).
So in our house we have it both ways thats why it so hard when things like this happen.

Cheers

Katie~baby

my partners ex like that as well and its bloody hard to deal with and as well as dealing with your ex i cant imagine how your feeling. At least when your son grows up you can tell him you done everything you can and can hold your head hugh, whereas his dad will have a lot of explaining to do

Harrysmum_2

Yeah your right he'll have a hell of a lot to explain.

Thanks

Elle00

I wish I could offer you some advice but I'm not in much of a position to do so. I guess all I can really do is offer some support and empathy and hope it's just as good!

When I first split up with my ex he refused to see DS at all for nearly 4 months to spite me. After that he refused to see him 2 or 3 times a week so my son had consistency and said he wanted him overnight once a week instead because he was too busy during the week. Well I wasn't happy but we tried this as it was better than nothing and the baby came back in a real state the first two times so it got put off for 5 or 6m; in the meantime he agreed to see him Saturday afternoons (social life dependent) until we tried overnights again early this year with a bit more success.

Then with me wanting to return to work last month he agreed he'd start having him two nights a week instead of one a fortnight with one afternoon in between. Great I thought, he wants to be a "proper Dad" and I'll have more of a social life again! But no, now he wants him for three consecutive nights every two weeks and again we are back to square one; that's just a stupid contact schedule for a toddler who's been dependant on his Mum alone since day one. He's deliberately insisting on something he knows I won't agree to and offering no alternatives.

You're probably thinking "at least your ex wants to see his son" but didn't yours in the beginning? And because you wouldn't arrange contact to always suit him because you had your child's needs to consider (like the school night) he's been messing you around and hurting you both just to spite you by the sounds of things.

I think your ex knows from experience that he doesn't have to be reliable because you've always backed down believing you're doing right by your son. The trouble with that is if you keep letting him think it's okay to do this, he will just keep doing it so in effect it isn't what's right for your son in the long run. Maybe forcing him to go to court to get access will make it more precious to him?

And if he doesn't bother, then your child will benefit much more from having a stable unbringing and routine home life than having a Dad who flits in and out when he feels like it. I'd rather my son grew up to respect people's feelings personally!

Best of luck x.

misswig

djdido2 wrote: »

my son has a mummy who loves him to the end of the earth and back again and thats all he needs.

:beer: :j :beer: :j

I agree. One devoted parent is better than two parents where one constantly mucks a childs around

RadoJo

I am 27 and my Dad still pops in and out of my life when it suits him, which is why I am a total Mummy's girl and really am not that fussed about whether I have a relationship with my Dad or not. I don't go out of my way to contact him other than festive occasions, and his recent suggestion that he gievs me away at my wedding had me in stitches - as though he has ANY right to lay claim to me or the happiness I have found for myself while he was too busy with his own life.

What I am trying to say is that having sperm doesn't make someone a Dad, and although it can be hard, you sound like you are doing what my Mum did - making sure there was never a gap in my life. Even when my Dad moved to a different country without telling us, my Mum more than made up for anything we might have missed out on with him. She never bad-mouthed him, and STILL tries to pacify me when he has wound me up, but I found out for myself what he was like and that has made me realise that I could have been anyone and he would have put himself first no matter what. Your son will realise that for himself and it certainly won't reflect badly on you when that time comes. Good luck...

Harrysmum_2

Cheers everyone.
My ex also has a boy with someone else (who i get on very well with) he is 13yrs old and for the last yr or so has wanted nothing to do with their dad because he just says hes a wast of time.
So maybe when my son is older he can speak to his half brother about it at least he'll know what it was like.
Thanks.

going2die_rich

Tell him straight. That you both will argue from time to time but at the end of the day, his son is going to grow up, and if he keeps letting him down, one day he'll have to explain to him why he wasn't there all them times he needed his dad.

Ask him how he'd feel growing up without a father and what would he end up feeling towards him if he kept getting let down by his dad.

Bestthingsinlifearefree

Hi !

As a dad to to a wonderful 8 month old boy who I dote on. I cannot understand how other fathers would not want to play a full part in their childs life.

Maybe they should sterilise all these absent fathers and until they learn to look after their existing children they should not be able to bring any more into the world.

A tip for the ladies out there, if your current fella etc does not give a toss about his children he has with an ex-partner, don't be surprised if at a later date he does not give a toss about any furture children he may have with you.

Children deserve a loving mum and dad. As adults it is our responsibilty to make sure they have the best chance of this and this often comes down to our relationship choices.

Best,

djdido2

This is something i have wanted to add for a while now. I can and probably never will be able to get my head around the fact that my ex partner will not acknowledge my child emotionally or financially. I often wish that I lived in the States where I could probably sue him for not being there depsite the fact that I would never deny access (for the sake of my child).

To be completely honest my ex did have children from a previous relationship but he painted a picture of the doting dad and in reality he was never there for them either. I have learned the hard way. still fruitlessy trying to track him down even though he is still living in the same area as me. I hope that I am not becoming too obsessive over this but I feel he owes it to his son to pay a little towards his everyday needs. I have had to accept that he wants no part of his life, but he will have to answer to that once my son is old enough to find out for himself.