How can I resolve this situation?

trolleyrun

It's time to let it go. FOr goodness sake, he didn't get on with your child, and that should be enough of an indication to have no connection to him now. It's TWO years ago, and he's not a friend. A proper friend wouldn't do whatever he's been doing. What's in the past is in the past, you can't change it.

As an aside, let the C'S lady and your mum sort stuff out between themselves. Stop trying to fix everything. It's an impossible task and trust me, I know.

meritaten

Notsosharp wrote: »

No I know in all likelihood it was said, it's a small town and I think it's common knowledge by everyone (apart from my mum) that mum isn't well liked.

Truth be told the charity shop lady would have said it because my ex used to volunteer there and when we initially broke up he was going round badmouthing both my mum and I to all and sundry and anyone else who would listen. They've only ever really known my ex's version of events and they haven't heard half of what both me and my mum had to put up with, for instance the injunction I had to have taken out against him because he was threatening to kill me and a friend.

I'm regretting not saying anything at the time it all kicked off now but I just wanted it all to go away.

No - you don't KNOW she said it! you think she might have said it - but you cannot categorically state that she did unless she said things in your earshot or to you!

TeamLowe

Even if she did say it that's not to say she doesn't regret it or changed her mind about your mother. It could be that asking your mum to volunteer was her way of making up for the past or showing that she now likes your mum

And personally I wouldn't have said anything. Even if this woman is being two faced where's the real harm? If you hadn't have said anything your mother would have continued to have a pleasant relationship with this woman. It's not like they're busom buddies, they just spend a couple of hours a day working together and I can't think of many people who never said a bad word about a colleague

Hopefully that's how your mother will see it and she'll just be a bit wary around the lady, realises that kicking off would be the worst thing to do and would help no one

Notsosharp

TeamLowe wrote: »

Even if she did say it that's not to say she doesn't regret it or changed her mind about your mother. It could be that asking your mum to volunteer was her way of making up for the past or showing that she now likes your mum

And personally I wouldn't have said anything. Even if this woman is being two faced where's the real harm? If you hadn't have said anything your mother would have continued to have a pleasant relationship with this woman. It's not like they're busom buddies, they just spend a couple of hours a day working together and I can't think of many people who never said a bad word about a colleague

Mum never carried on volunteering there, she didn't enjoy it so she's looking into doing other things instead.

I'm probably just going to keep quiet about it but I dread to think what will happen when mum sees the ex or the charity shop lady!

It's just I can't even keep away from the Ex because he recently applied for and got a job where I work, I'm worried if it all kicks off (which it will) he'll start doing what he did when we first split up and turn all my work colleagues against me and I don't want him to do that because I really like the people I work with.

I don't want my mum confronting him either because of his history of past behaviour.

meritaten

I sort of get mixed messages here about you and your mum. on the one hand she seems very supportive of you on the other you say some quite disparaging things about her? I don't mean this in a nasty way - but is there 'two sides' to her? the supportive nurturing side and then the nasty side? because people can often be prickly and quite aggressive if they are hiding a very 'soft' centre and have been hurt too often?

actually, I would say to mum 'I have been thinking about what I said about the CS lady - tbh mum, its what ex told me so I wouldn't place too much credence in it'.
Hopefully, that will avert a confrontation.

Notsosharp

meritaten wrote: »

I sort of get mixed messages here about you and your mum. on the one hand she seems very supportive of you on the other you say some quite disparaging things about her? I don't mean this in a nasty way - but is there 'two sides' to her? the supportive nurturing side and then the nasty side? because people can often be prickly and quite aggressive if they are hiding a very 'soft' centre and have been hurt too often?

You're not getting mixed messages, you've pretty much hit the nail on the head about my feelings towards her. I love her, she and my Dad have always been there for me no matter what I have done.

She is prickly and she is aggressive and she won't just "accept things and move on"

I'm not sure about the "soft centre" thing, I think years of dealing with my Dad's alcoholism has hardened her somewhat.

paulineb_2

If the brown stuff hits the fan, its not the end of the world, you told her, to be honest if I was told second hand that people really didnt like me and they were being nice to my face, I might say something as well, what did you expect when you told your mum what was being said about her?

You chose to pass the gossip on. You could have left things. As for your ex, you dont need to be mates with him and if he does turn your workmates against you, hes not a mate and they arent either.

meritaten

Its still there hun - in her 'supportive' side - but she has built a really impervious shell around her 'soft heart'! for fear of getting hurt again. poor woman..............I feel for her!

Notsosharp

meritaten wrote: »

Its still there hun - in her 'supportive' side - but she has built a really impervious shell around her 'soft heart'! for fear of getting hurt again. poor woman..............I feel for her!

I think that's the problem, she's had so much hurt and so much carp from various people including her own Husband and sister during her life she pushes people away so she can't get hurt again!

podperson

Tbh I think you should stay well out of it and shouldn't have got involved in the first place.

1. You have no idea if this woman did actually say those things about your mum - you only have your ex's word for it. From what you say he doesn't sound the most reliable of people.

2. Even if she did then you have no idea about the circumstances. You say that your ex used to go round saying lots of nasty things about both you and your mum. He could have been working with this woman, spent hours talking about how horrible you and your mum were to him and how badly you treated him and the woman just hearing his side could have simply said something like 'oh, that's awful, she sounds like a horrible woman'. Maybe when she got to know your mum better she felt bad and asked her to volunteer then. The point being you have no idea and didn't make any effort to find out.

Your mum has left the shop now so try and draw a line under it and don't pass any more gossip along. You say your mum is sometimes disliked for 'stirring' but you're kind of doing the same thing here.