Single parents & Holidays

springdreams

OP I would love to be in your shoes.

I have been a single parent for 7 years. I have worked full time since my DS (with special needs, for which he is statemented) was 11 weeks old.

My ex OH left the country to avoid paying child maintenance and to skip out on parenting duties. According to him he is not a "glorified babysitter"!! I have therefore had to do it all on my own for the past 7 years, without any help. The only time I get to myself is when I am at work, and that is work time not "me" time.

I would love to only work 4 and a half hours, 4 days a week. No such luck. I leave home at 7.20am and get back again at 6.20pm 5 days a week.

Then when I do get home from work, and my DS gets home from school, there is no such thing as quality time for lego, puzzles and the like. No, instead we do homework, some house work, cook dinner, bath time etc. 5 days a week. We also spend our weekends doing gardening, more house work, grocery shopping etc., between football training for my DS 2 times a week and football matches on Sundays.

I have also been studying for a law degree in the evenings and weekends over those 7 years to make a better life for myself and my DS.

I use ALL my 5 weeks of annual leave for childcare. I then pay holiday clubs for the remaining 8 weeks plus 5 inset days. I do not consider it a hardship to use all my leave to spend time with my DS. These weeks are mostly quality time.

kavics17

Lone parent of a nearly one year old here. Thankfully my parents will be retired by the time baby Kavics goes to school and I'm relying on them to help me out with childcare in school holiday. As well as my sister who is a teacher so will have time off. At the moment I help my sister to look after her kids when they are sick or when she needs childcare, it works as I'm still on maternity leave.

FBaby

I totally agree with louise and springdream, you seem totally oblivious to how good you have it to only be working 18 hours a week.

so my 5th is spent doing my housework, supermarket shopping, helping at school etc.

Well that's a luxury many single parents don't have. I worked full time when my kids were 18 months and 3 years old, and it was too much for my ex to have them more than a few hours once a week. I had to do all this either during the very few hours I had without them, rather than to take a break, or, as it happened most often, I did the shopping with them. Sometimes a fun if tiring experience, sometimes a nightmare. I would have loved to have a full day free to do all those things.

If I am not working, I am on childcare duty.

To be honest, I find this statement really sad. When you are not working, you are incredibly fortunate to have a full day to spend being a parent to your child. Many single parents would love to be able to have more quality time with their children and certainly would consider it a duty.

As for the holidays, I too was lucky if my ex had them for a couple of days there and then. Summer holiday, I managed about 4 or 5 days out of him, after pestering, always confirmed at the last minutes, that even when he wasn't working and not paying any maintenance, so I had to pay for them to go to holiday clubs instead.

I'm sorry but I think you should count yourself fortunate. You have a lot more time for yourself than many single parents.

Spendless

When I went to working during the day after previously having an evening job or not working but being at college, I found it a bit of a shock to get used to at first. I only truly realised how good a 3pm finish was when I lost that job and the only other one I could find I work till 5pm. On weekdays that is a case of 'rinse and return'. Only last week I was asked to come in at last minute to run through a new procedure put in place whilst a colleague was off and I asked to finish at 3pm and what a difference I noticed, but I only valued this after experiencing a 9-5 role.

Give yourself a period of time to re-adjust and make things easier for yourself within that time. Depending on where you shop is having groceries delivered an option? I know you aren't keen on using childcare after posting on a different thread of yours a while back, but without family help I think you are going to have to use it to fill the gaps. My eldest wasn't keen on childcare after he reached a certain age, but I managed to 'disguise' it as much as I could by booking him in on days they were going on trips to places he's like and using sports camps.

Brighton_belle

Bailey, I don't think your 'incredibly lucky ' to be 'only' working 18 hrs a week, because I know you have exhausting, painful and debilitating fibromyalgia. You would love to feel well enough and strong enough to work full time I am sure. I congratulate you on finding a way to earn a living that you can work around you health issues with: that shows courage and determination. Time "for yourself" often means having to lie down I imagine. Great fun. Not.

I also think you exDH is just very selfish and self centred and it's ok to acknowledge you feel frustrated and cross about that - healthy and normal reaction. You are not saying you want two weeks to yourself like him, you are just saying you use every spare scrap time to be around for your children during holidays and he should be doing the same. I agree. He chose to be a father and now he dips in and out as he choses.
You are just expressing your frustration and then, from reading your other threads you will just get on with it and carry on being the superb mum you are.
Someone suggested you wouldn't have any children free holidays if you were still married - well no, but you would be doing 90% of the daily parenting on your own either so it would balance out.
Just because other single mothers have much worse fathers of their children, I don't think you are not entitled to feel upset occasionally that your children's father has reneged on the commitment he made when he chose to have children with you.

gunsandbanjos

Deleted_User wrote: »

Your Ex is making mine look quite good, which I know it CTE's point.

My ex does no childcare whatsoever. I was being nice and asked if he wanted to have Christmas with DD, 23-26th as he doesn't see her that often (his fault, I have said he can have as much contact as he likes, he just needs to let me know). But no he has decided to naff off to Spain 16-30th December with no thought of seeing DD:mad: he's sorting out his holiday house, while pleading poverty and has not paid me a penny of the money he owes me, but that's another story.

lallysmum

I'm a single parent with a 6 year old ASD son. I was previously a full time carer for my mum with dementia (for 10 years). When she went into a nursing home and my life could properly start, I initially set up a small cleaning business for when ds was at school. I did that for about a year, but realised I was having to rely too much on other family to look after him during the school holidays.
As ds is ASD it was very tough on him, and family, as routine and consistency is the number 1 rule in our house.

So, I decided to try and find a school job, I have 6 years ASD 24 hours a day experience after all, lol. Since April, I have been working in a school, so term time only.
I'm lucky in that ds can, after a lot of working it out, practice and patience, go to breakfast club every morning so I can get to work on time (costs me £105 a month) and that my hours mean I finish work every day at 2.45, so I can pick him up on time from school.

I'm also doing an OU degree in the evenings. I very rarely get any "me" time as it's difficult for other people to look after him successfully.. But it works for us. He's happy, I'm happy (and earning which I LOVE) it does mean I get no time away from the ASD bubble though.. work and home!

JoW123

Deleted_User wrote: »

Jo I know, I do try, but just sometimes I feel like ARGH!!!

I know it's easy for me to say because I have been on my own for 4 years now, but I have been through all the anger/frustration etc and it's just a waste of energy. However, if you are unwell, as another poster suggests (I don't know as I don't look through previous threads) maybe you need to come up with the plan of using some form of childcare to help you, so its not all down to you.

duchy

Deleted_User wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies.

I am self employed and have factored in 6 weeks holidays spread over the year. I've only been trading since July and had 1 week so far, but pro rata I am taking 2 for xmas.

ExDH is providing 3 weeks for 2014 and taking the rest for himself, naturally!! For 2013 he has provided 2 weeks, the rest for himself too.

So far I have had 2 weeks A/L this year, one week from when I was employed and 1 week from my self employed business.

If Ex doesn't help me provide childcare, then apparently its my problem.

Similary being self employed my A/L isn't paid, so I have to work extra hours in advance to make up the loss. Technically I work 16 hours a week, but actually I work 18 so I can have annual leave.

Its a man's world......

Really? Do single Dads have a childcare fairy ?
I don't see what difference it makes if you're self employed whether you are male or female -your children still need childdcare surely !

duchy

lallysmum wrote: »

I'm a single parent with a 6 year old ASD son. I was previously a full time carer for my mum with dementia (for 10 years). When she went into a nursing home and my life could properly start, I initially set up a small cleaning business for when ds was at school. I did that for about a year, but realised I was having to rely too much on other family to look after him during the school holidays.
As ds is ASD it was very tough on him, and family, as routine and consistency is the number 1 rule in our house.

So, I decided to try and find a school job, I have 6 years ASD 24 hours a day experience after all, lol. Since April, I have been working in a school, so term time only.
I'm lucky in that ds can, after a lot of working it out, practice and patience, go to breakfast club every morning so I can get to work on time (costs me £105 a month) and that my hours mean I finish work every day at 2.45, so I can pick him up on time from school.

I'm also doing an OU degree in the evenings. I very rarely get any "me" time as it's difficult for other people to look after him successfully.. But it works for us. He's happy, I'm happy (and earning which I LOVE) it does mean I get no time away from the ASD bubble though.. work and home!

I was in a very similar situation - single mum with an aspergers 6 year old -and Mum to look after following a brain anurism -I was working and trying to study as well...... except I had no family support. Made life interesting. After my Mum died I too worked in a school for a while and eventually took a PAYE job working from home which made the consistency issues a lot easier but it was a constant juggling act.

I never had the resources to use my leave days as me days -until he was much older ...... Great for mental health but for me a luxury. I'd say to the OP if she can afford them - why not.