How to help my OH with his guilt over stolen car?(Long-sorry!)

1sttimer_2

As the title says, how do I help my OH over our stolen car. He left it outside for a while (1/2 hr max) with the key in the ignition and lights on and it was stolen (around 9.30pm Sat eve). Police/insurers have been told and we've been warned that we may not get the car back, and very doubtful about insurance claim being met. (Which I totally understand).

I can understand his shock and horror of it happening so I'm not being hard on him, BUT, he is sleeping with the bedroom door open, with landing light on (which I hate), just in case he hears a noise (??) and the outside door which is locked + bolted, has chairs and ladders put against it - again just in case. He walked the streets over the weekend trying to find it, and just cannot rest/eat/sleep properly and thinks about it all the time and stands at the window looking out - just in case!.

No keys, names or addresses were in the car, so apart from it being outside the house, which is on a main road so could have been anyone's house, there isn't anything tying it to our home.

We did have some items in the boot which belonged to our DD and some other stuff which were personal and not of any real monetary value (it was after DD+S-I-L's wedding, but not presents, just items from display at venue) but they don't know as they are on honeymoon, so I guess he's added that guilt on too.

He's contacting me with a running story of what's not happening with either police or insurers. I'm being worn down with his worry but what can I do about what happened?

I do sometimes feel uncaring when he starts up again and my initial thought is 'not again', but it happened and there's nothing we can do, only wait for the eventual outcome.

I haven't said anything negative towards him at all, or blame him for what he did, it was just one of those things. He was occupied with our GS who'd trapped his hand in the car door, so, of course, he had to sort that out first and foremost, and the fact that he'd left the key in the ignition was momentarily forgotten about.

Any suggestions would be welcolme - even if it's to tell me I'm being mean with him and not realistic about his feelings, but don't be too harsh with me, please!

Tiddlywinks

It doesn't sound like guilt to me... more shock and fear.

Shock that it happened... a sort of personal invasion of his feelings of being safe at home.

Fear that the people may come back for more stuff etc.

I'd suggest he speaks to his GP to get him some short term help whilst he works through his concerns.

Have a look at this:

http://www.victimsupport.org.uk/

19lottie82

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

It doesn't sound like guilt to me... more shock and fear.

Shock that you left a car with keys in and the lights on, in the street for half an hour and someone stole it? You obviously don't live where I do!

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Fear that the people may come back for more stuff etc.

I wouldn't imagine so, this was an opportunist (?) theft.

OP, I think you just need to get your OH to understand that it's done now and he can't change that. Everyone has a slip up now and again, he just got unlucky that someone took advantage of his.

You MIGHT get the car back, how old, what model was it?
What with the sophisticated scanning devices motorway cops have at the moment, there's a good chance it's just been dumped.

Tiddlywinks

1sttimer wrote: »

... BUT, he is sleeping with the bedroom door open, with landing light on (which I hate), just in case he hears a noise (??) and the outside door which is locked + bolted, has chairs and ladders put against it - again just in case.

Hm, that sounds like a barricade of sorts...

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

Fear that the people may come back for more stuff etc.

19lottie82 wrote: »

I wouldn't imagine so, this was an opportunist (?) theft.

But, fear has no logic - he has been a victim of crime and I would suggest that his bolting and barricading the front door suggests he is worried about being a victim again in the future.

1sttimer_2

Thanks Lottie, the car was an X reg Passat, nothing exceptional. Yes, the police said it could be an opportunist looking for an easy ride home/someone who might take it to do robberies with then dump it. Worst case scenario is that the car is torched.

They have put the number in the ARN (?) which should flag it up if it passes CTV cameras, but then if it's been dumped after a joyride then it will only be 'found' when it's reported as being dumped. If that's the case, we just have to wait till that happens. I do hope that the items in the boot have not been damaged because of the sentimentality of them.

There are also to child seats which would be of use to someone if they so chose to take them, but they are replaceable, although at a cost to us, of course!

TIDDLYWINKS - he's feeling guilty because of him leaving the key in the ignition - that's after the initial shock of finding that the deed had been done! I do agree with him having a problem with the personal invasion, but cannot see how he thinks this woul happen.

tea_lover

What a horrible situation. I'm sure he must feel awful. Obviously his main concern was going to be the welfare of your GS, far too easy to forget the keys when you're rushing to make sure he's ok. Just such a shame that some twonk took advantage in that short time before he realised.

I left my car keys in the ignition of an unlocked car all night once (after rushing to get in the house during a stressful incident). Amazingly I got away with it and all was still there the next morning, but I definitely appreciate how easy it is to do. And how wasy it is to then beat yourself up about being so "stupid" (not that he was, just distracted).

I think victim support is a great suggestion. Do you think he's speak to them? Or maybe just look at their website/info. Really hope he's feeling better soon.

Prothet_of_Doom

My wife has short shift with this sort of behaviour. I would have been told to get a grip, there are people worse off than me, and I'd be forced to move on. Somewhere between the sensible trying to help attitude the OP is expressing and my wife's get a flipping grip attitude there is a solution.

Note that someone stole 4 centre caps off an astra about 4 years ago, whilst I was parked in Shrewsbury overnight and I'm still upset and incenced about it.

Tiddlywinks

1sttimer wrote: »

TIDDLYWINKS - he's feeling guilty because of him leaving the key in the ignition - that's after the initial shock of finding that the deed had been done! I do agree with him having a problem with the personal invasion, but cannot see how he thinks this woul happen.

But you have to understand that you are looking at this logically... at the moment he can't do that as his perceptions of the safety of his environment have been altered.

Get his to speak to Victim Support or his GP as this reaction suggests anxiety which needs to be worked through.

hazyjo

It's just that feeling of wanting to beat yourself up over doing something so stupid. I remember earlier this year when I had so much going on - BF was being a ridiculous nightmare and we had a major row. I shoved the chips I'd bought on his stairs and went to get in my car. The window was down. He started trying to shove the bag of chips to me saying I had to eat and I started winding up the window so he'd move his hand. Never intended to trap him or do damage, it was one of those ridiculous 'spur of the moment' things. More or less as soon as the window got near him, he pulled away and the entire window shattered.

I cannot tell you how awful I felt. He had a very minor cut but was paranoid he was cut to shreds (really, there wasn't even a drip). I was absolutely beside myself.

I still cry if I think about it (and what a bad place we were both in).

Sometimes it's hard to accept something's an accident when you do know you're to blame. People say it's one of those things, and sh*t happens, and all the other cliches that are out there - but that guilt and shame just eats away at you. I couldn't even tell anyone, not even my mum. Just felt awful. Still do.

Time's a healer (really not trying to hit all the cliches here!). It really is.

My BIL felt something similar when they got broken into one Christmas while they were all in their beds. Key was in the (pvc double glazed) front door lock, door was closed, but someone used something through the letterbox to pull the inside door handle down with. He felt incredible guilt at not protecting his family.

Try to remember we all deal with things differently. It's obviously affecting him on a much deeper level than you. It's only in moments of crisis that we see inside people. How they react to tragedy, shock, grief, sadness... sometimes you don't really know someone until you've seen how they handle which, in their eyes, is true despair.

Jx

Any

He is being completely irrational and he needs to get a short shift to snap out of it.

He is allowed to be irrational and so it carries on. I would snap by now and get him to wake up from his insecurity. Say "for crying out loud, it happened, nothing we can do, you've done the right thing looking after little one firstly and foremost and let's move on now. I cannot listen to this rubbish any more."

It is one of these things. It happens.

DKLS

Crap happens, learn from it and move on.

We all make stupid mistakes, I once ran a bath then left the house for the day and came back to a very interesting water feature in the lounge.