Am I overreacting? (Long sorry)

*Louise*

Loads of hugs and sympathy for your situation.....

Just don't let him walk all over you - if you give in to him on this one, he will get his own way forever more.

Stay strong, and if the relationship doesn't feel right, then don't be afraid to walk away.

As your parter, his first concern should be YOU - how rude of his mate not to invite you to the wedding (not that you wanted to go, but that's besides the point) and I am gobsmacked that he would even consider going when you have been so blatantly disrespected as his partner, especially as it would mean leaving you alone at Christmas. If it was my OH, he would be out the door.:mad:

taxi97w

Bananabelly wrote: »

.... and he is making me feel like I am being unreasonable for suggesting he doesn't go. The thing is too, he has not been back to oz in the five years we have been here (I have twice) and it would actually cost him less to go say over this summer for a month ....

What were the circumstances under which you went back without him?

Could this have something to do with him wanting to go without you?

:beer: from another Aussie

TokochickUK

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: First off.
Your situation sounds rotten and I wish I could offer you advice that would be of help.

I have a young family and have not had masses of support at times from dh and I can honestly say its so much more than just hard work, its heartbreaking at times.


Dh is not planning on leaving the country but he is planning on racing 3 hours drive away just undere a week after our due date for third bump ( can honestly say im still not a happy bunny ) but i understand the racing is important to him, h is slowly starting to understand his priorities need to change.

You have not been over the top at any stage, I think maybe your partner is just not fully aware ( because he is clearly not listening ) of how hurt you are due to this all and then some.

I wish I could say more and anything that would help, but I wish you all the best xx

Bananabelly

taxi97w wrote: »

What were the circumstances under which you went back without him?

Could this have something to do with him wanting to go without you?

:beer: from another Aussie

Well I went in term time as it is way too expensive over holidays (except when it's winter there) plus he earns less than me and when I went back my work was more flexible than it is now. I think the main thing though is he has not so much drawing him back, I miss my family a lot, but he has an extremely difficult relationship with both his parents, and I have told him before I think he likes having distance in his relationships with them. He hasn't spoken to his dad for five years and he speaks to his mum but she has almost never phoned him here (he always phones her) and she doesn't even send him presents for birthdays/xmas! He reckons it's a 'their way' kind of thing but i think that's just an excuse. The reasons for these relationships being like this is far too complicated to go into here!

Bananabelly

Elle83 wrote: »

Bananabelly he really is totally oblivious if he's texting such patronising bull about you to his sister like that. Ohhh the little woman will calm down and get back in her kitchen will she?! Sorry but that's the attitude I'm getting from everything you've said so far. The sad thing is that leaving him won't change him in the future, he'll continue to walk around with his head up his behind and some plain Jane will come along and settle down with him and put up with being his doormat.

The important thing, and the only thing you can have any control over in this situation, is to make sure that plain Jane doormat is not you. You're quite clearly an intelligent and articulate young woman with a lot of life still to live.

You say about your maternal instincts but it's a perfectly good time to have children right up until you're in your mid to late thirties and usually still possible until you're in your mid to late 40's. If you're concerned about babies in the future then pay to have your eggs harvested and frozen when you return to Oz as a "just in case". Lots of women who don't children until later in life seem to do it these days and the cost isn't as much as you might think.

Having a baby is different for everyone but a good percentage of women find it very, very hard at first and those that don't have a supportive partner really suffer in that first year. You need someone not only willing to change nappies and make feeds but to also spend time helping you recouperate after the birth and is that something this guy would do? Do you want to sit there in two years time with a baby on your boob and tears trickling down your face knowing your partner is down the pub again? Or would you rather have a partner sat there with his arm around you asking you if you'd like him to put the kettle on?

I wonder if your fear is more than just babies. Are you afraid that 30 is too late to start over? Because these days that just is not true and not just where babies are concerned. Just look at the divorce and remarriage rate. A considerable number of the population wind up starting new families at 35 or even 40 as was my Mother's case (kids 4 and 5 were born when she was 40 then 43). People who've worked for M&S for twenty odd years suddenly jack it in to train as a Midwife. My Home Start volunteer had been a single Mum for a long time before going to uni aged about 40 to study social care and is on her way to possibly becoming a social worker (we're having words LOL). A relative of mine was in prison for 11yrs and on release managed to get a good finance job for £23kpa and has already bought a nearly new car and is now saving for a shared-ownership property! People from all walks of life start again at different times in their life and you will be absolutely no different. 30 is young in modern standards where life expectancy is something like 80 and quite a lot of women haven't even settled down for the first time at your age even if most of your friends have.

I know I don't know you but I can tell a lot just from what you're typing and whereas I normally reserve judgement and try not to implore people to follow advice, on this occasion I have to wholeheartedly concur with the advice that you need to clear out and start again. As the poster above has pointed out - you can simply not renew your visa and skip notice in August; the perfect way out surely? If you want more out of life now you will not be happy if you stay and you cannot change another person - only yourself.

Thanks Elle. I am definitely not the maternal type! But I have considered this in the thought process, as I assume that one day I might have a desperate need to have kids, and it's possible in the worst case scenario that I am giving that up if I never find someone else. More to point I think, is that I WAS afraid of starting over - when you have been with someone over 7 years, you know their habits and are comfortable with them, they know you and all your quirks, and it's a massive change. I certainly haven't been impulsive in this, because I know when it's over and I want to move on and have no regrets so I have probably put up with more than I should have for that reason. Now I think of the positive things that can follow (travel, travel, travel!). I am fairly independant and have a good bunch of friends all over the world.

lostandalone

How are you getting on BB?

L&A
x

Bananabelly

I am fine, thanks for asking! We are getting on alright, he is still sleeping in the guest room. I am going to sit down this weekend and talk about things and how to sort them out, ie, we have a (different) wedding we were invited to this summer, and a holiday to Portugal booked, etc and we need to work out what to do about those things and also sort out the house etc, so we shall see what happens then. I suggested a while ago that we go to a carnival that is happening near my work this weekend and he still wants to go??? I told him I hadn't really heard anything about it, I'm not very keen on going now!

Bananabelly

Well, a small update.
We had a chat today because there were a number of things to sort out, and basically he wants me to sort it out and he will go along with it. I asked about the wedding we were going to, which is more for one of his friends than mine, and he said I can come if I want. I said it's your friend it's up to you but he doesn't mind either way.
He was quite happy to continue living with me in our house until we head back next year. I said I don't think it's very healthy to live for a year with someone you've broken up with. I understand we need to sort the house out and sell it, but I don't see the point in wasting another year of my life, it will feel in limbo. He said that's up to me as well.
I asked him if he was happy that we were over, because he didn't seem that bothered to be honest, I was tearful but he was fine. He says he does find it upsetting but could've fooled me. He wants me to make all the decisions, ? then maybe he can blame me for ending it? He has a tendency to blame others (mostly me) for just about everything that happens in his life, so maybe that is the motivation? He said I told him I was fine with him going to Sri Lanka, so obviously our communication isn't great, but I know I never told him that. I said if we get everything sorted out I might be OK with it, but I thought about it a lot and told him the next week I wasn't.
He also told me he was 'honoured' to be going to the wedding as he will be pretty much acting as the best man as the guy's brother can't come. I said that I'm sure he would forgive his brother, let alone his friends for not coming but he wasn't really interested.
I guess I have to face the fact that he is a selfish coward and there's no point wishing for anything more. He wants to carry on as though almost nothing has changed, he had a coupon for a free meal and wanted to go out tonight (though we are still in separate bedrooms).
He also said to me 'I can be your friend' kind of implying that he could be more adult than me (if that makes sense, that is what it felt like, emphasizing the I). I am so angry at him for destroying everything we have, but I think in his mind he has managed to turn it all around and make it my fault.
I think I need to call my parents tomorrow and explain what's happened, it will be a shock to them, but I will be a blubbering mess I know it.

Js_Other_Half

<<hug>>

Your parents will understand - they may be bit surprised initially, but you're their daughter - generally parents take your side!;)

As for him being able to be your 'friend'...that indicates to me that he doesn't care for you as much as you do for him - which you already know. I had to cut an ex out of my life completely in order to get over him - I even had to ask his best friend to intervene as ex was phoning, writing etc. Several years later we met at a wedding (I was with DH) and we were genuinely able to wish each other well. If that relationship had never ended, I'd never have met DH - and probably never had kids, as he was so amibivalent about them.

You are doing the right thing!

conradmum

Bananabelly wrote: »

Well, a small update.
We had a chat today because there were a number of things to sort out, and basically he wants me to sort it out and he will go along with it. I asked about the wedding we were going to, which is more for one of his friends than mine, and he said I can come if I want. I said it's your friend it's up to you but he doesn't mind either way.
He was quite happy to continue living with me in our house until we head back next year. I said I don't think it's very healthy to live for a year with someone you've broken up with. I understand we need to sort the house out and sell it, but I don't see the point in wasting another year of my life, it will feel in limbo. He said that's up to me as well.
I asked him if he was happy that we were over, because he didn't seem that bothered to be honest, I was tearful but he was fine. He says he does find it upsetting but could've fooled me. He wants me to make all the decisions, ? then maybe he can blame me for ending it? He has a tendency to blame others (mostly me) for just about everything that happens in his life, so maybe that is the motivation? He said I told him I was fine with him going to Sri Lanka, so obviously our communication isn't great, but I know I never told him that. I said if we get everything sorted out I might be OK with it, but I thought about it a lot and told him the next week I wasn't.
He also told me he was 'honoured' to be going to the wedding as he will be pretty much acting as the best man as the guy's brother can't come. I said that I'm sure he would forgive his brother, let alone his friends for not coming but he wasn't really interested.
I guess I have to face the fact that he is a selfish coward and there's no point wishing for anything more. He wants to carry on as though almost nothing has changed, he had a coupon for a free meal and wanted to go out tonight (though we are still in separate bedrooms).
He also said to me 'I can be your friend' kind of implying that he could be more adult than me (if that makes sense, that is what it felt like, emphasizing the I). I am so angry at him for destroying everything we have, but I think in his mind he has managed to turn it all around and make it my fault.
I think I need to call my parents tomorrow and explain what's happened, it will be a shock to them, but I will be a blubbering mess I know it.

I think you should stop trying to guess what's going on in his head. You seem to need him to be upset and want you back, or at least accept some responsibility for what's happened. Why?
The fact that he's being such an idiot about the whole situation shows that you're doing the right thing in splitting up with him. Honestly, he sounds very immature and insensitive.
Who cares what he's trying to do and what he's thinking? This man isn't worth the head space he's currently occupying in you. Concentrate on yourself and what you need to do to be happy. You know you're doing the right thing. That's what matters.
Good luck.