Am I overreacting? (Long sorry)

Bananabelly

Hi,
I just wanted some advice about my situation. I have been with my partner for 7 1/2 years and we bought a house together over 2 years ago. At the time he was insistent we needed to share the house to be able to pay bills (even though the mortgage was well below what they were prepared to let us borrow), we had been sharing in rented accomodation previously and I reluctantly agreed (mainly as he has a bit of a thing about stability/money and it made him happier).
Unfortunately we shared with his good mate initially, and it was fine, we got on well, then his girlfriend moved in and he (the mate) was away for 6 months as he is in the TA. His girlfriend was rude and selfish, to the point of ignoring me if I said hello, and NEVER helped with any housework or anything in the 6 months he was away. The mate came back and things deteriorated, to the point that they accused us of 'acting like it was our house' - it was!!! We pay the mortgage and take all the financial risk! And things were arranged as they had agreed to in the first place. Anyway, they eventually moved out about a year ago, leaving us £200 or so short through rent they should have paid and items of ours that they stole (though there was nothing really major, just cleaning products and food and stuff). I was just glad they had gone as it was awful with them there.
My OH still blames me for them leaving, I think, at least partly, and things in our relationship were dreadful while we were sharing with them, though they have improved a bit now, but not back to how it was.
Anyway, for reasons known only to this guy, he proposed and they are getting married in Sri Lanka at Christmas. My OH is still friends with the guy (which kind of upsets me for his sake, after all they stole from him too) and has been invited to the wedding but apparently I have not because the stuff above was all my fault. I have absolutely no desire to go, and it doesn't bother me that I wasn't invited except that it's quite rude, but I would expect nothing else - from her in particular.
My partner is planning to go and I have told him I have a problem with it for many reasons, the first being that he is condoning their behaviour of treating me poorly by going at all (he says he isn't, he is just going to a mate's wedding but I think actions speak louder than words). Secondly, Christmas is very important to me and absolutely none of my family live in this country, so I would be alone over Christmas. He tells me I can go on a trip somewhere but I find that cold comfort really.
Thirdly, and this is the moneysaving bit, our plan was to live here another year and then go back home to australia via the US for a couple of months. We have planned this trip for a year already. Going to Sri Lanka is going to cost him about £1000 at least, and he has no desire to go there apart from his friend's wedding. I have been there once and I hated it. He has a balance on a 0% card of £2500, about £500 more on a Barclaycard and we have a car loan and obviously a mortgage. Of course, all this will need to be paid off before we move back to oz. We manage OK but rather than saving for the trip we had planned together he is now going to go somewhere he has no desire to, and it means we will probably be unable to take our trip unless we dip into the money from the house, which we had planned not to.
I feel close to breaking up with him, as I know I will resent him a lot if he goes, but he will resent it if I make him stay and I don't see a way around it. I feel I have done a lot to put our relationship first by sharing the house when I didn't want to, and making a lot of effort when we were, though it mostly went unnoticed. I am not the kind of person to make ultimatums but I don't think we can afford this and I don't want him to go, especially at Christmas (I told him if they really wanted people to go to their wedding they would have it in England on a day other than Christmas Day so that everyone they knew didn't have to pay a fortune to spend Xmas away from their families).
Can you help? Am I being really selfish and overreacting to this? I don't think I can see it very objectively anymore and would appreciate some help.
Thanks.

arthur_dent_2

I don't think that you are being selfish and it is a very awkward situation to be in. I am afraid your OH will go whether you like it or not if that is what he really wants to do, however saying that I don't think I could honestly live with a person if they did that to me. Christmas day is a stupid day to get married and £1000 is a stupid amount of money to lay out to go to a wedding.

Try and explain how you feel as I would be furious with hubby if he went.

outrageous_monkey

Doesn't sound like you are being selfish/unreasonable at all to me.

I dont like the fact tha he is prepared to leave you on your own over Christmas esepcially as you have no family here. Christmas is a time to be with family and loved ones.
.
In an ideal world he should have asked about changing the invite so both of you could go, I know you dont like them nor want to go, but still, his priority should be to you and not his mate.

I think you should have a good chat with him about if he wants to go on the trip back to Oz with you......maybe he might not want to go back yet, and thats why he is happy to find the money to go to Sri Lanka

rag_doll

I'd be really p***** off if my OH behaved in this way, I don't think you're over-reacting.
1st point: After the way this couple, in particular the woman, treated you, & your partner, I think it's reasonable to expect your partner to say he can't go to their wedding.
2nd point: Your both saving for your own trip, surely that takes priority.
3rd point: It's christmas & your family aren't around.
Just one of these points should be enough for your OH to tell this couple he couldn't make it, but all three!!
You may have spoken with your OH about this until you feel like your head is spinning but I'd tell him again!
Have asked my OH what he thinks & he said he doesn't think your partner is being fair to you.
I hope you get it sorted.

Bananabelly

Thanks for your support, I kind of feel like I have been going crazy here, and he is making me feel like I am being unreasonable for suggesting he doesn't go. The thing is too, he has not been back to oz in the five years we have been here (I have twice) and it would actually cost him less to go say over this summer for a month (as he is a teacher) and see his family, as he has accomodation etc obviously sorted in oz.
Our relationship is already on shaky ground as I was so miserable when we were living with them (and other reasons as well), and I feel like this is the last straw, but he is my best friend as we have been together so long, and we generally get on very well, so it is a really big wrench.
Outrageous monkey - I wonder about his commitment to going back to oz sometimes too, but we have to reapply for our visas this year to stay on and he only wants an extension for a year rather than applying for indefinite leave to remain, and he is making plans with his sister to start a business when he gets back, so I think he is committed. I think though we are likely to have to go straight back now if we stay together and he goes to Sri Lanka as £1000 goes a fair way to a trip through the US.

Bananabelly

I agree too, that I should have been invited on principle - if the situation was reversed I would expect him to want to invite his friend, and it's only polite to invite his partner, whatever you think of them. They can then decide what they wish to do. I don't think my OH gets that at all.

diesel9181

it is freaky how guys loyalites lies with their friends ragardless of what has happened in the past! your not being unreasonable at all. i would be furious if i was in the same situation. he should be refusing to go unless you are invited! its shocking that your not (im sure it would be nice to refuse the invite?) if i was you i'd be heading home for xmas, but i'd only mention it to him last minute! it sounds really hurtful what he's doing.

poe.tuesday

it's your OH who comes across as the selfish one and you certainly are not over-reacting

where is his loyaty? not only did these people steal from you, they made you feel uncomforatble in your own home and now they invite just your partner to the wedding, the latter I can understand as I can see why they wouldn't want you there, but they may be inviting him just to stir things up between you ??

so your OH has been invited, I am sure he would love to go to sri lanka but would he not prefer to go away with you to a tropical island? does he really want to spend xmas with out you? these are things you need to ask him and if he would prefer to spend xmas with them then I think you know where you stand in the relationship

I think you need to ask him who he wants to be with over xmas, if he comes out with the drivel that he wants to be with you but he has been invited to the wedding and can't say no then that's just rubbish, he can be with you and you could even go away together, perhaps you should suggest that you both go out to ski lanka over xmas and he can go off to the wedding for the day and then come back to you - if he has a problem with it then I think you really need to sit down and chat with him as it maybe that there are bigger issues going on, but it is a good solution, you should both be happy with that (apart from the financial issue)

however, if he was any sort of man, he would see how you feel and should have said thanks but no thanks to the invite as he couldn't leave you behind, regardless of what time of year it was

TBH it sounds as if you really need to sit down and chat as there seems to be a lot going on that sort of says to me that things are not that cool between you, you both need to say how you feel and what you want from this relationship

good luck

bestpud

I agree - out of order - BIG time!!!

They should have invited you as you are a couple and if he is that good a friend then your OH should be able to say he's coming with you or not at all. A good friend would understand.

I know you don't want to go, but that isn't the point - you're a couple.

I've just asked my OH, for a male perspective and he agrees it was wrong not to invite you as well, and he would not go on principle if it were him.

How long is he going for? I realise it would still take in xmas day, but could the two of you not go for a couple of days and then travel on somewhere together for a few days?

Hope you get it sorted, but for what it's worth, I would not be happy at all myself! Seems a shame to let an otherwise good relationship go though.

Bestpud

poe.tuesday

can I just add about the invite, this couple are getting married, they want to be with people who wish them well and who they like and who also like them, you do not come under this umbrella so I can understand why they have not invited you and I can understand why they haev invited your OH as he is a good friend (I hope), however, I would expect yout OH to be in a real delima about this and not to have so easily said yes to going espcailly given your financial situation

Bananabelly

I can understand why they haven't invited me in some ways, but on the other hand I was good friends with the guy for quite a long time, it was just the last six months before they left that we didn't get on that well, even then it was more silence (and some whinging from him) than fights, etc.
Our relationship is otherwise good but not great, and that gets really complicated! We have been to counselling last year which helped but was really expensive.
He didn't suggest going to Sri Lanka together but I did, and he didn't have a problem with it but I really don't want to go - last time I was there I went alone (big mistake for a woman) and got stuck in the middle of nowhere for hours as a car broke down (not so bad, happens occasionally) then another car ride I went on the driver tried to rape me, and my flight out was delayed by a day because the plane before mine crashed on the runway! So I don't have happy memories of it, and the stupid thing in all of this is that my OH has no desire to go there whatsoever (part of the reason I went alone), he is only going because of the wedding. i have no desire to spend that much money going back there, plus I would probably feel a bit of a fool on the day of their wedding (anyway, since it's Christmas day it would defeat the purpose of me going to not be alone at Christmas).
Our longish-term plan was to see a few more bits of Europe that we want to see and then head back to oz. The point of being in England so long was to get a really good overview of Europe. Sri Lanka is just as close to oz (or closer perhaps than here?) if we ever wanted to go there.