Am I overreacting? (Long sorry)

outrageous_monkey

Banana, at least you had the chat with your OH, and even tho it wasn't the way you would have liked it to have gone, at least you know where you stand with you OH now.


Please dont look upon yourself as a failure if your relatioship has broken down. Look upon it, he is the fool, cos he obviously holds this friend and fiancee in high regard. I pity any other girl who comes along after you, can you imagine always having to play second fiddle to your boyfriends and new (horrible) wife........just thank your lucky stars that you're getting out of it.

Talk to your friends, let them know whats going on.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do with the future.

Bananabelly

Thanks again for all the support.
We are on polite speaking terms but frankly he kind of makes me sick to think about right now. I can't believe I even think of him as a friend, none of my other friends would treat me like that. I don't know what he is.
I have a confession, his phone is sitting next to me on the desk and I looked at his messages and he was texting his sister about our fight. The gist of it seemed to be that he just thought I was mad and would calm down (basically he still thinks he can get his own way). His sister wanted him to get me an invitation but that's not what I wanted at all! I need commitment to me from him and I am sick of waiting.
I have been daydreaming all day about what I can do, I thought I would actually be more upset. I love travel and I was trying to figure out what to see on the way back to oz, or whether to stay here longer or just stuff it all and head back for christmas. I feel so free.

TheWaltons_3

Bananabelly wrote: »

Thanks again for all the support.
We are on polite speaking terms but frankly he kind of makes me sick to think about right now. I can't believe I even think of him as a friend, none of my other friends would treat me like that. I don't know what he is.
I have a confession, his phone is sitting next to me on the desk and I looked at his messages and he was texting his sister about our fight. The gist of it seemed to be that he just thought I was mad and would calm down (basically he still thinks he can get his own way). His sister wanted him to get me an invitation but that's not what I wanted at all! I need commitment to me from him and I am sick of waiting.
I have been daydreaming all day about what I can do, I thought I would actually be more upset. I love travel and I was trying to figure out what to see on the way back to oz, or whether to stay here longer or just stuff it all and head back for christmas. I feel so free.

do what will make you happy because he won't!

poe.tuesday

I am so pleased that you are being positive about all this, good on you

go travel, you love to so there is nothing stopping you now and I certainly wouldn't wait any longer to be free from him, no need to wait

Errata

I feel so free

:T :beer: :T :beer: :T :beer: :T :beer: :T

Bananabelly

Since I saw his phone (very naughty of me) I've been thinking what would I need if we tried again, and I don't think he can give it, not right now anyway.
I am nearly 30, so we are at the stage where all our friends are married and having babies. I am not particularly maternal, but kind of have the 'wanting kids some day but not right now' thing, but it horrifies me to think if he is prepared to do this to me now, what happens when there are other serious choices to be made? When you have kids you can't just swan off and leave them because you want to do your own thing. It doesn't bear thinking about.
So I would need a lot to change, and I don't think he is capable of it really.
I can't thank you all enough, it is really nice to have some support, even if it is 'virtual', and to show me that my instincts are OK. I can't believe he is prepared to give up everything we have to go to a mate's wedding.
I haven't told anyone else yet, I would still be upset and I want it all a bit more behind me, and see how things pan out a bit. I think on the weekend I will make him sit down and sort out all the details. Our house was a mess when we bought it and we are mostly done, I think with a push we could have it finished by the end of summer and sell in autumn. What complicates things is I am a dependant on his visa and it runs out in August, I have to give three months notice at work if I was to leave (and I don't really want to leave that soon anyway) so we have to sort that out somehow. And all the other stuff, but I think we could do it. Might be interesting to see how he reacts when he realises I am serious. (The other frustrating thing is he has no reason to think I am just mad, I have never suggested we break up before, I have stood by him through difficult times, we normally talk things out, and I have never given him an ultimatum).
THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE FOR YOUR SUPPORT AT A DIFFICULT TIME

Errata

Nothing in his life so far has taught him that this is not the way to behave.
Maybe you need to ask him what would? Best wishes, and thanks for the thanks.

sleepymy

I can't believe he is prepared to give up everything we have to go to a mate's wedding.

He's not, he's counting on you putting up with his sh*t and sitting at home waiting on him like a sap. Don't do it, he's a gobshite and I'm sorry, but he doesn't have any respect for you if he's even thinking of going. I would cut my husbands n*ts off if he ever considered doing something like this.

gingercordial

He has shown his true colours and you will be better off without him. The world is yours to play with, go get it!

Just one practical thing:

Bananabelly wrote:

What complicates things is I am a dependant on his visa and it runs out in August, I have to give three months notice at work if I was to leave (and I don't really want to leave that soon anyway) so we have to sort that out somehow.

If the visa that you're on runs out, you'll have to leave work without giving 3 months' notice - your employer can't really complain about it as they shouldn't be employing you without a visa. That will give you some free time to get the house finished off and sold at any rate, and to research the trips you want to take on your way back to Oz!

Elle00

Bananabelly he really is totally oblivious if he's texting such patronising bull about you to his sister like that. Ohhh the little woman will calm down and get back in her kitchen will she?! Sorry but that's the attitude I'm getting from everything you've said so far. The sad thing is that leaving him won't change him in the future, he'll continue to walk around with his head up his behind and some plain Jane will come along and settle down with him and put up with being his doormat.

The important thing, and the only thing you can have any control over in this situation, is to make sure that plain Jane doormat is not you. You're quite clearly an intelligent and articulate young woman with a lot of life still to live.

You say about your maternal instincts but it's a perfectly good time to have children right up until you're in your mid to late thirties and usually still possible until you're in your mid to late 40's. If you're concerned about babies in the future then pay to have your eggs harvested and frozen when you return to Oz as a "just in case". Lots of women who don't children until later in life seem to do it these days and the cost isn't as much as you might think.

Having a baby is different for everyone but a good percentage of women find it very, very hard at first and those that don't have a supportive partner really suffer in that first year. You need someone not only willing to change nappies and make feeds but to also spend time helping you recouperate after the birth and is that something this guy would do? Do you want to sit there in two years time with a baby on your boob and tears trickling down your face knowing your partner is down the pub again? Or would you rather have a partner sat there with his arm around you asking you if you'd like him to put the kettle on?

I wonder if your fear is more than just babies. Are you afraid that 30 is too late to start over? Because these days that just is not true and not just where babies are concerned. Just look at the divorce and remarriage rate. A considerable number of the population wind up starting new families at 35 or even 40 as was my Mother's case (kids 4 and 5 were born when she was 40 then 43). People who've worked for M&S for twenty odd years suddenly jack it in to train as a Midwife. My Home Start volunteer had been a single Mum for a long time before going to uni aged about 40 to study social care and is on her way to possibly becoming a social worker (we're having words LOL). A relative of mine was in prison for 11yrs and on release managed to get a good finance job for £23kpa and has already bought a nearly new car and is now saving for a shared-ownership property! People from all walks of life start again at different times in their life and you will be absolutely no different. 30 is young in modern standards where life expectancy is something like 80 and quite a lot of women haven't even settled down for the first time at your age even if most of your friends have.

I know I don't know you but I can tell a lot just from what you're typing and whereas I normally reserve judgement and try not to implore people to follow advice, on this occasion I have to wholeheartedly concur with the advice that you need to clear out and start again. As the poster above has pointed out - you can simply not renew your visa and skip notice in August; the perfect way out surely? If you want more out of life now you will not be happy if you stay and you cannot change another person - only yourself.