Living with someone with possible OCD

dontknowwhattodo3

Hi,

I am really struggling living with a partner with possible OCD and need some advice.

A bit of background, been together for 5yrs with a young child.
At first the relationship was fine, no real problems living together just minor niggles but I am finding his 'ocd' way almost impossible to live with now..

I dread him coming home in the evenings, I dread weekends..I just dread his reaction to the house and in his head what 'needs' to be done before he can sleep is unrealistic. I feel I've let him down almost every day and my life is becoming quite depressing to the point I feel like I'm living an 'existence'

The OCD isnt so much with cleaning, infact the total opposite, he could go weeks without cleaning the toilet/kitchen etc...its more massively obsessive organising and sorting stuff into piles... this is the sort of thing he does (and has to do to be able to go to bed at night)

- Toys have to be sorted and organised constantly. Everything goes in the toy box/on shelves in a certain order.
- A missing peice of a puzzle is a nightmare...we have to find the peice or the puzzle gets binned or he just cant cope and flips at me/ds for not taking care of things
- If I go food shopping I will come home and unpack (this is later all 'unpacked' from cupoards/fridge and rearranged in the 'correct' way)
- Leave his spoon and cereal bowl out in the morning next to his keys/wallet/rolled cig so hes ready to go in the morning.
- Bed has to be made no matter how ill etc I am
- he rearranges all my make up how he thinks it should be even if it is impractical for me (eg the products I use the most naturally are at the top of my make up bag etc)
-He will go through my bag when I get in from being out anywhere to make sure my bag is organised 'how it should be'
-Washing up is to NEVER be left by the sink in the drainer to dry naturally. He will dry up and put everything away even after we've both been at work or had stressful days.

All these rituals come before eating/washing etc. Some nights we won't have dinner cos we can't finish everything and I know the stress it will cause him if I eat in bed and he then cannot leave a plate/bowl to not be washed up.

I had a break down at work a couple of weeks ago and have now dropped a day, but I feel like I just can't keep up. We have a young son and I am now only doing 2 days at work but cannot cope still.

I have advised him to go to drs but he refuses and I can't make him. My drs werent massively supportive when I told her how I was feeling. She just said I sounded anxious. Whenever I talk about it it is all me and DS's fault.

Tonight I am just at breaking point. I have been at work then cooking for/bathing/playing/doing homework with ds..he then comes home after I have put DS to bed, bedtime story done, hes lying peacefully playing, and then starts searching for a 'missing' book in DS's room.

Half an hour later he is still searching, lights on, ds is now fully up and awake. I shouldnt have even bothered putting him to bed. He is huffing and puffing cos he can't find the b*oody book and I cannot do anything and am totally helpless.

I am finding it difficult and wondered if anyone had any words of wisdom. I would one day love to go back to education but hes told me thats unrealistic... I want a life and DS needs his childhood and this is stopping it all happening:(

Takeaway_Addict

Just show him the post you have written when he isn't suffering from OCD particularly badly.

He needs to realise its an issue and not normal and that he needs to start getting help.

Ps you can go back to education and please don't let him grind you down, some of his traits do sound like OCD but some if not most sound like someone controlling.

dontknowwhattodo3

Thanks takeaway addict...
I have tried talking to him but it is always turned onto me and the same old its me and ds's fault.. DS is so young and I hate him seeing it. He came home from school today and lined up his shoes perfectly... and told me how straight and neat they were. It made my heart sink that that is what he thinks is important to me.:(
I will try to think of some other options. Thanks

go_cat

Has he always been like this or has it got worse since you had your son..it's a nightmare living like this treading on egg shells.. Plus I would be fuming if my DH went and looked for a book at my DS bedtime

You have to ask yourself..if he won't accept help or go to the doctors, can you live like this for the next 20 years ?

I take it he's not someone you can talk to ....

dandelionclock30

What about saying you either get help or thats it. Can you go to your Mums/friends or kick him out?
I couldnt be doing with all that rubbish. I bet he doesnt carrying on like that at work.They would have finished him ages ago.
He can go on medication for that and their is therapy. I think you need to be firm OP. You dont want your child copying him.

Person_one

One thing is abundantly clear, you absolutely can't carry on as you are.

You're missing meals to appease him? He dismisses your hopes and dreams? He goes through your stuff on a regular basis? When did this start? Has it got slowly worse over time or was it a sudden change?

Now that your son is starting to show that he's being affected by this behaviour is the time to do something about it. You won't be able to make him see sense and change unless he genuinely wants to, so you might have to consider what actions you are willing to take if he doesn't.

What sort of support network do you have? Do your friends and family know how bad things are?

Richard53

Hie behaviour is far from reasonable and not normal at all. His desire for 'order' is getting in the way of a normal family life. Leaving things ready for the morning, and not wanting to go to bed without washing up/drying are quite common (I sometimes do these), but waking your son up to look for a book, and going through your make-up bag, are definitely borderline bonkers. For your sanity, and the sake of your son, you need to sort this out.

I would suggest a serious talk, including a copy of your post above, and an ultimatum - either he gets professional help, or you are moving out.

If he reads your post and can't see there is a problem, then he is the problem.

Dimey

Doesn't sound right.
You need to do something before it permanently affects your son.

Be kind but insist your husband attends the GP with you and ask for a referral to an expert for help.

Don't accept your OH blaming you. Stand up for yourself and for your son and for him too. He needs to accept help. It may be mild by comparison to some OCD sufferers so things could get worse if you don't act. Maybe your OH is more controlling than OCD but the only way to find out is by going to an expert.

Can you ask his parents whether he's been like it before? How did they treat it then?

Did he learn the behaviour from a parent?

Is it worse when he's stressed?

bagpussbear

Sounds like a miserable existence, I feel for you.

You can't go on like this, he can't go on like this either, it will just get worse.

I think its a good idea, what others have suggested already about showing him what you've written. You've put your point of view and feelings quite bluntly and honestly.

He doesn't have to go through the doctors route. There is nothing to stop him contacting a counsellor that specialises in this sort of condition.

He doesn't realise he is about to lose you if he doesn't get help. You need to have a clear, but strong conversation with him, and soon.

I don't generally like ultimatums, but I think in this situation you might have to do it in order it shocks him to getting help.

If he refuses then I do feel you and your son would be better off on your own.

I wish you good luck x

marisco_2

I think you are already beginning to question whether your partner actually has OCD. Some of his personality traits are reminiscent of someone who has this condition. To be frank others that you have described, can quite simply be attributed to someone who is very controlling, domineering, aggressive and shows strong signs of having a screw loose. You cannot go on living this kind of existence OP and nor should your child be growing up in this kind of negative environment. My advice is to have a very frank and open discussion with your partner and make it abundantly clear to him how his approach towards yourself, your son and family life in general is affecting you. His response to all this will tell you all you need to know, about whether it is worth your while continuing in your relationship with him.

claire16c

marisco wrote: »

I think you are already beginning to question whether your partner actually has OCD. Some of his personality traits are reminiscent of someone who has this condition. To be frank others that you have described, can quite simply be attributed to someone who is very controlling, domineering, aggressive and shows strong signs of having a screw loose. You cannot go on living this kind of existence OP and nor should your child be growing up in this kind of negative environment. My advice is to have a very frank and open discussion with your partner and make it abundantly clear to him how his approach towards yourself, your son and family life in general is affecting you. His response to all this will tell you all you need to know, about whether it is worth your while continuing in your relationship with him.

I agree.

Not everyone with a OCD is a complete #;£&£ towards their partner, this sounds as though it's OCD but combined with something else too.