Bored with my life - its time to change things!

thehappybutterfly

I hope this is an appropriate forum for this thread but mods, feel free to move me!

Im at a stage in my life where Im bored stiff with the routine, the budgeting, the working too hard etc. Im 44, married with two almost grown up kids (21 and 16 and both still at home). I thought when the kids became a lot more independent, me and hubby could get our lives back and we have to some extent. We're just back from a long city break weekend, just the two of us. And Ive discovered that without the kids, we've got nothing to say to each other. We sat in silence most of the time and im normally a right chatterbox! I just feel quite sad about it.

I want to explore new experiences, I have a ton of interests but sadly hubby doesnt. All he does is watch tv. And work. I love him but i just feel like this will be what the rest of my life will be like if I dont do something now while im young enough to enjoy it. And whats worse is that i want to do it by myself and not with hubby. I want to learn to play a musical instrument, i want to go to dance classes but not with him. Because he wouldnt want to for a start. The only thing he wants to do apart from watch tv is go for a walk. Really? We cant find anything to talk about in a restaurant with a couple of drinks. How awkward would an hour long walk be?

Do I sound selfish? Am i too late to start learning to dance at my age? Has my marriage run its course or does every couple go through this after 19 years together? I wish i was one of those well put together grownups who know exactly where they're going!

MoneySavingMamma

I can't give any advice, I'm in the baby/toddler stage, but I do believe your statement below is a myth, and people like this don't really exist! There are people that put on a good show, but no-one is 100% of their life, at any stage

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

I wish i was one of those well put together grownups who know exactly where they're going!

FBaby

There are two issues here. The fact that now you don't need to give as much attention to your kids, you are free time to do things for yourself AND the state of your relationship. You can want to get into hobbies that you don't share with your husband, but you need to be clear whether you also want to insure you don't let your marriage go to the point of no return. You say you still love your husband so can assume you do want to save your marriage.

How about using this week-end as a way to bring up the subject with your husband? In the end, you will only resolve the issue by discussing it and coming up with answers together. I would suggest on one hand concentrating on what you guys can start to do together so that you keep your marriage alive and happy, whilst also focussing on things you want to do for yourself without him, so that during that time, he can enjoy the relaxing time that seems to be important for him too.

VJsmum

My OH and I do loads of things apart. Our children are 17 and 14 so not quite at the stage of yours (we are still in dad's and mum's taxi stage) but do have more freedom than a few years ago as the 14 year old can be left for a longer time now if he doesn't want to come with us.

He likes organ recitals and has joined a choir - I would rather pull out my own fingernails than do either.
I went to Glastonbury (with DS. 14) - OH wouldn't have been seen dead there.
He watches Motorway cops and the like - I watch Downton
We went to Paris - he did churches and organs, I did art galleries. We met for lunch afterwards and a walk along the river.
He likes steam railways and sticking his head out all the way - I will read a book and look at the scenery but enjoy the pub at the end
We both like walking and cycling, meals out and holidays

There is nothing wrong with liking and doing different things as long as you have some time together that you both enjoy - it gives you more to talk about.

thehappybutterfly

Yes, i just dont know whether im generally bored with life because i have more time to myself or just bored with my marriage. We do nothing at the weekends. I go to work on mondays and dread the Question "so, what did you get up to at the weekend?". Absolutely nothing as usual. Everyone else seems to have done something exciting. Except me

marisco_2

thehappybutterfly wrote: »

I wish i was one of those well put together grownups who know exactly where they're going!

I think you will find the above are short on the ground. You don't come across as selfish at all by the way. This weekend break has opened your eyes to just how far apart you have grown from your husband. Not a nice reality to be faced with and it understandably concerns you and leaves you questioning where your life is at. I don't think it is necessarily a bad thing when a person has different interests to their partner. Feeling able to be who you are and pursue what you enjoy is all part of a healthy relationship. It is a shame that your husband has such limited interests and so there aren't many activities you can enjoy together. Maybe this could be explored though and worked on.

If communication hasn't all but broken down between you both I would suggest you initiate a really open discussion with him. Say honestly how you feel and listen to his perspective? How he reacts to this suggestion and what comes up when you talk will tell you all you need to know about your future. After 19 years together it must be worth a try.

FBaby

Is it because all you ever used to do was with the children? Was it only children related activities?

Did you have anytime during your marriage before you had children? What did you use to do then?

thehappybutterfly

Vj, thats what i would like to do but hubby is so, i dont know, reliant on my company. Its suffocating. He doesnt want do anything that doesnt involve me. He never goes out with his mates - maybe once a year? Whereas I go out with my chums every couple of months.

thehappybutterfly

i came to the relationship with my son so no, we've never had a relationship without at least one child. Hmmm. Thats a good point.

Errata

He goes out with his mates once a year and you do it six times a year? No wonder you're both bored.

Dunroamin

Does your husband work long hours and/or do a very demanding job? Do you?