Serious choices to make - my journey

lulabelle

Hi all

It's been a couple of weeks since I posted.

Have been turned upside down somewhat and gone massively off track.

So, I went out with a friend the evening of 23 October. We had a great night and I thought "right, I'm over Mr Heartbreak and am actually having a good time".

That night I got a text message out of the blue from him asking me to meet him for a drink (bearing in mind he went back to his ex at start of August and have not heard anything from him since)

Agonised for DAYS about what it meant - met him and he started off saying how it had been playing on his mind how he had left things with me and he wanted to apologise and then that she had left him because of her condition (she is allegedly bi-polar but my friend who is a consultant clin psych says she thinks its borderline personality disorder instead) and she wanted to be single.

THEN he said he was "still in love with her" and it was a "thousand little things" that made him love her. Talk about salt and wound rubbing.

I stupidly went for dinner with him and ended up at his place (behaved though) and he sent me a text Thursday night thanking me for coming out and saying he enjoys spending time with me but needs to take time with no pressure and hopes to see me soon.

Needless to say I've not responded.

So I've been very down and it's kind of de-railed my plans. My head is all over the place and I don't know if I want to leave/start again or what.

Thankfully I start some CAT therapy tomorrow which may help.

Also, although I'm applying for jobs, there appears to be no/very little interest.

Just feel trapped.

RosaBernicia

Oh no poor you Lulabelle... have to say though on just that summary he sounds like he doesn't know what he wants and not responding is probably very sensible - but I know it's not that straightforward when you're in it!

I dunno what it is this week - I've spent most of it snivelling after running into an ex of ELEVEN fkg years ago - don't get it, don't get it, don't understand what is up with me! And a friend just split with her boyfriend of over 20 years as apparently having a serious illness has somehow turned him into a abusive jerk beyond the point of excusable in the circumstances. Maybe it's the weather!

When you say no interest in applications, do you mean no response or no acknowledgement? Are you getting any feedback?


Rosa xx

lulabelle

Oh dear Rosa - affairs of the heart are so complicated. I think becoming a nun could solve all of my problems!

What is it about the ex which has made you upset?

I'm just getting flat "no's" not even interviews. I suspect it might be because I've been out of the uk legal market for so long

But it convinces me even more that law not for me. I'm sick of client demands, billing targets, dog eat dog mentality. Sick of attitude and arguing. I have a tricky hearing tomorrow which I'm dreading.

So, I start my high intensity therapy this afternoon so am hoping that might help me to get an idea of where to go/what to do

Have an insight day for the grad scheme I'm interested in at start of December and am also going to visit area where my flat is and see what it's like now. I'm then going to speak to a careers consultant so I can weigh everything up and by jan 1st make a decision!

Mara_uk7

Mr Heartbreak sounds like a right old A&se ! Talk about cake & eating it ! Youre an intelligent lady, You dont need to be anyones second best. Tell him to push off and stay pushed off ! Sheesh, How DARE he think he can come crawling back after how hes treated you ! You deserve 100% of love. not the pathetic little left overs he is offering !

(Can you tell Im in man hating mode today ? )

lulabelle

Thanks Mara. I have to say, I am trying to force myself to think that way too. I was quite surprised at his blatant cheek. I had thought maybe he was getting in touch as they'd split and he realised he'd made a mistake (and let's face it, we all make mistakes) but didn't expect him to use me as a shoulder to cry on! Anyway, tomorrow night will be a week since he sent that text and have not heard from him so I doubt I will again - for all I know he's gone back to her AGAIN (as apparently she was messaging him saying she missed him)

Anyway, had my first CAT session today at which I cried a lot and it made me realise just how trapped I feel. I have another 15 to go so hopefully it will help me figure a few things out.

Apart from grocery shopping tonight (all sandwich stuff so will take to work rather than buying and milk, marg etc) it's been a no spend day and tomorrow should be the same so that's good I guess

lulabelle

Can anyone think of any other jobs I could do? I think part of the problem is that back in my school days we never had any careers advice so there are hundreds of things and I've no idea where to start!

lulabelle

So, today went better in court than I thought even though 4 hours arguing so now shattered. Then asked to pick up a last minute court matter tomorrow and that I've prepped for so good. On the MSE not so good. Went out with senior partner and others. Drinks paid for but £20 on dinner! Now a tad tiddly!

RosaBernicia

lulabelle wrote: »

Oh dear Rosa - affairs of the heart are so complicated. I think becoming a nun could solve all of my problems!

What is it about the ex which has made you upset?

I didn't know and that was part of what was rattling me! But after a few days thinking and a good chat with a lovely friend today I feel much better. Mostly I think I was upset that it is something which could have worked, but circumstances were against us, and now it is really is probably too late. The really good thing is that I know now the whole thing was as real and important to him as it was to me, and that is truly healing. I can feel that I was so loved and valuable and take that forward, instead of feeling not good enough.

lulabelle wrote: »

So, I start my high intensity therapy this afternoon so am hoping that might help me to get an idea of where to go/what to do

Have an insight day for the grad scheme I'm interested in at start of December and am also going to visit area where my flat is and see what it's like now. I'm then going to speak to a careers consultant so I can weigh everything up and by jan 1st make a decision!

Well that sounds like a plan.

Re other possible things to do, maybe think what are the things you like about your top choice and other options that might use similar skills?


Rosa xx

RosaBernicia

lulabelle wrote: »

Can anyone think of any other jobs I could do? I think part of the problem is that back in my school days we never had any careers advice so there are hundreds of things and I've no idea where to start!

This is hugely recommended online - I used through a library copy and it has some really good points, meant to get it again and copy some bits.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/What-Color-Your-Parachute-2014/dp/1607743620


Rosa xx

lulabelle

Thanks Rosa. I think I need to dedicate some proper "thinking time" to matters this weekend.

Glad that you managed to resolve some feelings about the ex.

Thank crunchier it's Friday!