Real-life MMD: Should friend return years of free dinners now he's earning?

oldtrout

The issue here is not the money, it's the principle.

Personally, if he was such a good friend, I would know him well enough to have prevented this dilemma, and it wouldn't be such an issue now. (A recurring feature of most of these MMDs unfortunately!!)

Presumably he expressed some sort of gratitude at the time of the generosity shown to him in the past, and if not, why did you all continue to pay for him?

If you value the friendship, in a light-hearted manner, try to find out what he feels about it If he appears hostile and defensive, then he's been using you all. If he is humble about it, then give him time.

Forget the amount of money ... a couple of bottles of wine should sort it!

tallgirld

My rules are
1) Give from the heart or do not bother giving
2) Do not give to receive
3) Do not expect anything from anyone!

Augustus_the_Strong

Just say to him, 'aren't you going to treat us all one of these days now you're earning loads of money?'. He may not do so, but at least he'll get the message. And obviously you're not going to carry on subbing him in future.

Charismac

The way I read this is that he is now paying his way but didn't offer to pay extra to treat his friends.

I think that if he is used to having to count every penny, it may take a while to realise he has money to blow and, as others have mentioned, there may be debts to settle. As long as he is paying his fair share and not expecting you to still subsidise him then fair enough. It would be nice if he did something in way of a thank you but it shouldn't be a requirement. Give him some time to adjust to his new situation and he may surprise you.

I am currently a mature student and my friends subsidise me. I feel incredibly guilty about it but they insist they don't want to keep going out without me and I don't want to restrict what they do. I keep my own bills down by having one course and water so I get to enjoy their company whilst minimising the cost. If I pay, they split my usually significantly lower bill out before dividing the rest between them. Often I drive so they can drink and they pay my bill instead of a taxi. I fully intend to treat them when I get a job!

elizabethhull

I have to say the majority of replies to this dilemma are a joy to read. If everyone operated on the same principles of kindness without automatically expecting payback, the world woud be a lot nicer place. Well done all you decent people. I hope that when you need it, you have friends like you to help you out.

elosarabrab

I don't think you should expect pay back. I would be very hurt if a friend had helped pay for meals while I was unable to due to lack of finances but then expected it paid back. I would expect them to pay for their own meals in future now they have an income.

Ginger_Nut

Elisecas wrote: »

My gran always told us, "You don't give to recieve."

You gave him a gift. He's not obliged to do anything.

You and I might think that the polite thing to do is repay kindness, but it might not be his; or he might think he helps in other ways; or he may help in the future.

If you can't let it go it will get awkward. Try. If you really can't, you'll have to slip it in a conversation... "So Bob, you've been in the new job a while, when are you going to have us all over for dinner to tell us all about it?"

I agree with the above saying as that's a nice way to get round

Winter_Phoenix

Pat yourself on the back for generously supporting your friend in his time of need, remember with gratitude the occasions when someone was equally kind to you, and leave it at that.

Thinking that he "should" repay you in some way will only leave you feeling resentful. Enjoy feeling generous instead!

meknowalot-51

His true friends will say nothing about this.They will congratulate him for succeding in his new role as he must have felt very low at being unemployed for such a long time.
If you only give to recieve....then don't give.A true friend will give to help and expect nothing in return.

horse_sense

I accept that true friends should not expect to be treated. However, if I was him I would want to regognise the way they looked after me over those difficult years.