Real-life MMD: Should friend return years of free dinners now he's earning?

Former_MSE_Debs

Money Moral Dilemma: Should friend return years of free dinners now he's earning?

Whenever my friends and I have gone out, we've always let one of our group pay less or nothing as he was jobless. Now he's landed a very well-paid job, we thought he might treat us as a thank-you. But when we met up recently, he didn't even suggest paying any extra, let alone for the rest of us. Should we say something?

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stufai

Yes, he probably should. But he hasn't. So there's not really a lot that can be done.

Maybe I'm just too polite, but I'd never say anything to the friend, although I probably would *joke* about their stinginess to my other friends.

19lottie82

I'd definitely expect him to treat you all to meal to say thanks.

Just to clarify is he paying his full share now, or still expecting his usual discount?

Talent

Did you think he was your friend?

whitewing

You had the pleasure of his company.

He should, but after years of being jobless he may well want to build up some financial and material security first. I'd say give it a couple of years and don't expect him to treat you all the same time.

It's a shame that your kindness in his time of need was not given unconditionally. I tend to think 'pay it forward' anyway. So your kindness to him will be appreciated but may not be reciprocated by him, but maybe he in turn will pass a kindness on to someone else in need.

Mark_Beech

This seems very straightforward to me. When you help someone out financially who has fallen on hard times or who has little income you do it out of a sense of generosity or being good spirited.
To EXPECT that someone will pay you back seems to me to completely negate the kind gesture in the first place.
If he does at some point choose to make some sort of gesture by way of thanks then that should be welcomed .... but I certainly wouldn't expect it!
Besides .... you don't specify how many friends there are in your group. Such a return gesture could be extremely costly and disproportionate if there are a dozen friends dining out together.
Also - when someone is finally lucky enough to get a job after a lengthy period of unemployment they are likely to still have considerable debts built up as a result of months on a low income. It's unrealistic to expect someone to start spending money that may be committed in the short term for more important spending ... at least until they get back fully on their feet.
EXPECTING the return of monies given as a generous gesture is a perverse sort of selfishness.

haselgre

Having been in a similar position to your friend before, getting a well paid job after a period of being skint doesn't automatically wave a magic wand over your finances. Usually there are debts to pay off, and you want to still be careful in case something happens, not to mention building up a little pot to reduce the liklihood of it happening again. It is likely to be some time before he's in a position to take ALL of you out to dinner, even if there are only a few of you. He will also have a sense of embarassment that you were all having to help him out, he'll likely just be relieved at this point to not having to "be the charity case of the group".
And of course there are probably a million and one things that he would normally have bought but hasn't been able to, which he will now want to catch up on - new jeans, new winter jacket etc. I know when I was going through it, I'd worn the same winter jacket for 3 years in a row, to death, and was desperate for a new one when I finally had a little bit of cash in my pocket.
If you're truly a friend, treat your generosity as altruistic, not with bitterness and resentment. You'll be a lot happier for it. Karma....

Shinds

Give him a chance ....I'm sure he will treat you guys.

hannerrbabes

How rude of you! If you were really a friend, you wouldn't even expect a return. It's very obnoxious to think that if someone has a well paid job, they immediately have tons of money to share. He probably has loans and debts to pay off if he's been unemployed for a long time, beforeh e even thinks about having luxuries. You should not have invited him out if this was to be your response.

pollypenny

Give the guy a chance!

As said, he probably has lots of things to sort out, calls on his wages, etc. he probably needs some decent clothes for work and leisure.

Your friendship sounds a bit grudging.

davidbrent3

I've spent thousands on women (student dentists etc). Would I expect her to pay me back once she has a job that will arn far more than I ever will? Of course not and I'd have much preferred to have spent that on a friend. It's your choice who you spend your money on and if they don't wish to repay the favour then thats their choice. I'm not expectinga cheque in the post from my ex dentist partner ever