Real-life MMD: Should friend return years of free dinners now he's earning?

dollyweth

What you did for your friend was kind, but being there for your friends is pretty much what friendship's all about! Wouldn't you want your friends to do the same for you if you were in a sticky situation? And if so, how would you feel knowing that the help they gave you came with invisible strings attached?
Yes your friend probably should return the favour or at least acknowledge it, and perhaps he will at some point. But did you really do all that for him just so you'd get something in return? If you think about it, the answer's probably no.
Also, if he's been unemployed for a while he may well have debts which are still troubling him and which it will take a while to clear, even on a decent wage.

juliamarsh

I think it is fine to draw a line under what has been given in the past, although it would be appropriate for the guy to show his appreciation in some way, for example by cooking a meal or buying a bottle of wine. There shouldn't necessarily be strings attached to the help that has been offered in the past, and I'm sure the rest of the group were not expecting anything in return for paying for him when he was down on his luck, but he should at least pay his own way from hereon in now that he is earning good money, otherwise he is just taking the p*#s.

JayD

I think it should be expected that he pays his full share for his meals now but as regards treating you all as a thank you, well I feel very much that it is down to him. It may not have crossed his mind or he may be planning to do it on a special occasion or as a surprise when he feels more financially stable. Whatever the reason, it would be very sad if you could only consider doing something nice like that for a friend conditionally ...

skylight

I would not expect our generosity to be repaid. He is a friend.

However, I would now expect him to pay his fair share of the next meal and not subsidise him - that I would mention to him.

Helen66

Perhaps he got into debt while he was unemployed and cannot afford to treat his friends at the moment. Even acknowledging his appreciation of your generosity would be something though.

Aleik

Not sure what kind of relationship you have with him, but if it's bantery, have a joke about it (ONLY if and when the question of the bill is brought up) if you find that easier and that gives the elephant in the room a little prod in the bum.

randomnut

Think the key is in the question here 'should we say something' not 'should we stop being friends'.

For sure say something. Jokingly ask when they are going to take you out for dinner. But don't get pent up about it, if they do they do and if they don't they don't.

gloriouslyhappy

[QUOTE Should friend return years of free dinners now he's earning?

Whenever my friends and I have gone out, we've always let one of our group pay less or nothing as he was jobless. Now he's landed a very well-paid job, we thought he might treat us as a thank-you. But when we met up recently, he didn't even suggest paying any extra, let alone for the rest of us. Should we say something? QUOTE]

I've read the other comments with interest, especially the ones about doing something nice for a friend in need without expecting payback, and the thought occurs to me that are you sure he's landed a very well paid job? Might this be an unpaid internship with the potential to turn into an actual job in time?

Another point is when you say he didn't suggest paying any extra, did you mean he is now paying his fair share and you thought he might pay extra on top of that towards the group's costs, or did you mean he is still paying below actual cost and the extra you mention would be the difference to make it up to a full share?

So many questions unanswered in this dilemma! But to answer the question 'should we say something', in my opinion you should, as it's obviously eating away at you, so bring it out in the open. How you do it will make a difference to your future relationship, so you could try something like 'congrats on the new job, it will be nice to have you as a full member of our dinner group now', and wait to see how he responds. Chances are it will be positive, and you can follow up with suggestions for a dinner to celebrate his new job in due course after he's sorted his finances, whether that be his paying for a meal, making a meal at home or buying the wine.

And if there's no positive response, then whether you continue your friendship cheerfully on the same basis as now, or give him up as a bad friend, is entirely up to you but at least you will have spoken out (gently) rather than letting this fester.

pennypinchUK

Of course you should say something. Or drop him as a friend.

minicooper272

If he asked you to help him out in an 'I'll pay you back' way, then yes, you should expect something.

If you all offered to pay his share, then no, you shouldn't expect anything in return. If you are ever unemployed, you can expect him to return the favour. It would be polite of him to offer, but he isn't obliged to.

I agree with others before me - you can't expect him to be in a financially buoyant situation if he only just started working again. After a long period of unemployment, I imagine his first wages will have gone on decent work wear, paying back money he's borrowed and a couple of treats (I know mine did!). He may offer something after 6 months in the job, but it also depends on how many of you there are. If he had 10 free meals, and there are only 5 of you, then that's completely different to him having 10 free meals but having to treat 12 of you.