Real-life MMD: Should friend return years of free dinners now he's earning?

DigForVictory

Give the poor goose a chance. He may be quietly in shock, and glad to be among friends instead of his new moneyed complex puzzling colleagues. He may have a raft of startup costs you don't know about & debts to sort likewise. Treat him as you did last year, as a friend, & let him adapt to this strange new world that has such money in it.
Expecting him to treat you all to a champagne supper at once is a bit much. Stay his friend, and give him time.

Elisecas

My gran always told us, "You don't give to recieve."

You gave him a gift. He's not obliged to do anything.

You and I might think that the polite thing to do is repay kindness, but it might not be his; or he might think he helps in other ways; or he may help in the future.

If you can't let it go it will get awkward. Try. If you really can't, you'll have to slip it in a conversation... "So Bob, you've been in the new job a while, when are you going to have us all over for dinner to tell us all about it?"

scarlet_macaw

This isn't really your Moral Dilemma, It's his.

As far as you are concerned you gave him free meals, presumably on a 'no strings' basis so now have no reason to expect any repayment, and certainly no grounds to demand it or even suggest it.

He however has a genuine dilemma, having accepted your generosity (if it can be called that in the light of your current thoughts) for all this time, should he feel obliged to repay it in kind even if he is still not really in a position to be able to do so?

mr-tom_2

I frequently treat friends who can't currently afford it and they always protest. I find their protests are silenced quickly by explaining that when I couldn't afford it, people were good to me, and then suggesting that when they can afford to, they help others who are less able.

I never expect to see a return on investment myself as that's a great way to set yourself up for disappointment and to ruin friendships, however some friends remember and do return the favour, which I am always very grateful for.

Cimscate

Whilst I agree with those who say you don't give to receive I think most people would want to treat their friends in some way to pay them back. Even if he needs to get sorted I would expect a conversation saying that he's looking forward to taking you all out when he is properly back on his feet.
You have to decide whether it is worth losing friendship over as it may not even have crossed his mind that he should 'repay' - not everyone thinks the same. If you all bring the subject up then he may take you out but the relationship will never be the same again.

juliamarsh

I must confess I am very surprised by the unanimity of almost everybody's responses on here and I disagree with them. This guy has landed a 'very well paid job' and if I am reading the MMD correctly he isn't even offering to pay his fair share of the bill despite the fact that he is now earning a lot of money! I agree that it might be a bit much to expect him to pay for everybody else, depending to an extent on how many are in the group, and I do accept that he might have to play catch up with his finances if he has been out of work, but at the very least he should now be paying his own way. If it were me I would not have allowed others to pay for me, if I couldn't pay my way I wouldn't have gone along in the first place. He could at least offer to cook them all a meal if he can't afford to take everybody out to a restaurant. To carry on expecting everybody else to subsidise him even though he now has a well paid job is outrageous, he sounds like a complete user and if I were part of the group I would not be able to keep my mouth shut! What a nerve!!

ANITALANGLEY

I can understand both sides of the fence here. The gift was given as the guy was jobless at the time. Now he's not, you wonder why he's not thanking you. Does he realise he is obliged to? Was that agreed to when the offer to help him was made? Probably not, so you are at fault here. However, those that are saying he's probably got debts to pay off, should ask themselves why he is still going out to eat then? It's a luxury we can't all afford, so should he still be joining his 'friends' on nights out? I'm not sure from the post if he's still expecting 'mates rates' but if so, then that is unacceptable and you would have to say something. If he's paying his full whack but not offering to treat the rest of you, well it's a lesson learned. If the gift, is not really a gift, make it clear at the outset. It will eliminate all this hard feeling amongst you. I feel your friend will come good in the end, but maybe he's not in a position to do so right now. We don't all live perfect lives, doing everything everyone expects of us. Subsequently we all disappoint at some stage. I suppose the question here is 'do you want to retain and continue this friendship or do you feel so aggrieved by his behaviour that you no longer care for his company?'

ruthb2008

If I were your friend, I would most definitely return the favour, if only by buying a round of drinks! But over the years I have learnt that not everyone lives by the same rules.

For example, when I take a trip out with my friend, if she drives, I buy her lunch. I've always done this and always will. However, in all the years I've known her, she has yet to return the favour when I do the driving!

My suggestion would be to live by your own standards. You helped out a friend when he was in need and that is something you can feel good about. Like others have said, he may feel that he wants to return the favour when he is in a better financial position.

MangoStan

I don't know the full circumstances here, but my first thought was that if you are not in a position to afford to eat/drink/etc. out, then don't. I admit there may be times when it is a special occasion and it's a shame to miss out, but I would explain my situation and offer to take that person for just a coffee or something.

Overall, I agree that although he is earning now, he may have debts that take his spending priority, but I would think a gesture would at least be nice, such as a round of drinks or even just a card, having people over for dinner (cheaper than eating out, for instance).

juliamarsh

ruthb2008 wrote: »

For example, when I take a trip out with my friend, if she drives, I buy her lunch. I've always done this and always will. However, in all the years I've known her, she has yet to return the favour when I do the driving!.

I don't understand why you keep doing it then! That means you are always paying more than her which isn't fair. Just take it in turns to drive and each pay for your own lunch and then both your expenses will be equal!