Getting my brother help

paulineb_2

HTB_newbie wrote: »

I know that's what scares me more than anything and why I feel that I must do something. I really don't want him to hurt anyone else.

You cant control what he does, all you can say to him is, you need help, we want you to get help and until you do, I dont want you around my kids.

And it may be the toughest email you ever write, but at least you'll have made your point.

Also, if he comes back home at christmas, will there be drink around? I would expect so. Is it worth the worrying wondering who he might be fighting with at that time?

HTB_newbie

tanith wrote: »

I'm afraid I agree with most people here , you can't help him if he hasn't admitted he has a problem and wants help. Maybe you telling him he can't come to you for Christmas will be his wake up call but in all seriousness I doubt it. While he's in Spain there is no one to disapprove of his heavy drinking that's one reason why he stays there, he doesn't have to face family disapproval every day.
How do you know he hasn't gotten into fights out there? he's certainly not going to tell you .
Alcoholism is a terrible thing but you can't help those who don't want to be helped.

In all honesty I don't, and in reality he probably has, he certainly wouldn't tell me if he had. For all I know he may have been violent like this before. His girlfriend of some years in Spain doesn't see his drinking as an issue but I suspect that she is also alcohol dependent.

HTB_newbie

paulineb wrote: »

You cant control what he does, all you can say to him is, you need help, we want you to get help and until you do, I dont want you around my kids.

And it may be the toughest email you ever write, but at least you'll have made your point.

Also, if he comes back home at christmas, will there be drink around? I would expect so. Is it worth the worrying wondering who he might be fighting with at that time?

I was going to right the clich! that he wouldn't be violent to his family but then if you asked me this morning I would have written that there is no way he would seriously assault someone. I'm going to have to write that email to him, you are absolutely right. Thanks you for helping me work this through, I really appreciate it.

I also need to speak with my Mum as he was supposed to be coming to hers for the weekend the week after next and she lives alone. If he is still going to go I'm not happy about her being there alone particularly as she will be having some very difficult conversations that he won't want to hear. She's truly appalled. I think I might ask her to seriously consider whether she wants him to come and if so, to invite her boyfriend over.

ValHaller

HTB_newbie wrote: »

.... I'm really torn as my kids are my priority yet how can alienating my brother aid his recovery?

That needs addressing.

Your kids are your priority, so you must do what is necessary to protect them. If doing the necessary means no contact with your brother, except by email or whatever then too bad. If he chooses to act alienated, that is just another choice he has made. You cannot put your brother ahead of your kids.

With or without kids if he is beating people up, I think it is reasonable not to have him at your place at all, kids or no kids. After all you don't want violence following him home to settle scores.

HTB_newbie

Thanks for everyone's advice.

Have had a long chat with my Mum and we both feel we have no choice but to make clear that we whilst we love him, until such time as he recognises that he needs help and seeks it, he is no longer welcome in our homes. We cannot and will not condone his behaviour. He hasn't even called to see how the poor guy is

I never thought I'd be so ashamed of him, it's so sad. Mum is frantically trying to find out how the victim is, we're really worried about him.

Due to the time diff in Asia I've not got hold of my dad. Dreading telling him what my brother has done but he needs to know.

Yorkie1

Such a sad situation for you all but I agree with the others that he does not appear ready to change his ways. The decision you have reached with your mum may be one of the necessary steps to bring home to him the consequences of his addiction.

Tell you what, though, he's bl**dy lucky that it looks as though charges aren't being pressed by the victim or that the injuries weren't so serious that the police would force the case onward.

Beating someone unconscious and continuing to kick them is a significant jail sentence upon a conviction. And yes, the police would seek an arrest warrant from Spain if they decided to prosecute. He'd be back in this country within about 14 days of arrest, and kept in custody until trial some months later in all likelihood. This really would have been a wake-up call for him.

geoffky

paulineb wrote: »

No, the police wont press charges unless the person who was assaulted wants them to..

A very and often repeated misconception..
The police no longer press charges as it is the cps....And the days of withdrawing your statement and no further action are thankfully long gone...

The police will put the evidence to the cps and they may well decide to press charges.
With other peoples evidence.

Also you will not get criminal injuries unless you co-operate.

Yorkie1

geoffky wrote: »

A very and often repeated misconception..
The police no longer press charges as it is the cps....And the days of withdrawing your statement and no further action are thankfully long gone...

The police will put the evidence to the cps and they may well decide to press charges.
With other peoples evidence.

Also you will not get criminal injuries unless you co-operate.

True. The CPS' decision will depend on the entirety of the evidence and whether they think it's in the public interest to prosecute. Someone can be forced to give evidence but where the offender is abroad and would probably need to be extradited, you wonder whether they'd think it proportionate and thus in the public interest to authorise charge.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

heath480 wrote: »

Sorry you have this problem.

There is nothing you can do,unless your brother wants to stop drinking,it dosen't sound as if he has had enough yet.

Al-anon is for families and friends of the Alcoholic,they say there is nothing you can do to help,you didn't cause it ,you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Please don't have him in your house if he is violent.

Alas vodka does smell and some! Total fallacy that it dosen't!

I drink vodka myself, amongst other things. But it's damn hard to smell it on somebody's breath when they've covered it up with a cup of coffee/brushed their teeth/eaten a polo/had a fizzy drink. Especially when you're used to smelling beer on them or dont drink yourself; the smell of the coverup is the bigger clue. Or the fact that you never actually see them get the fizzy drinks from the shop/get to walk back with them ('oh, it's okay, I'll just nip out to the shop for you, you stay here and relax', etc).

Or 'oh, I'm just tired'.

paulineb_2

geoffky wrote: »

A very and often repeated misconception..
The police no longer press charges as it is the cps....And the days of withdrawing your statement and no further action are thankfully long gone...

The police will put the evidence to the cps and they may well decide to press charges.
With other peoples evidence.

Also you will not get criminal injuries unless you co-operate.

Im in Scotland, no such thing as the CPS up here, its the procurator fiscal and yes, it may well be the same thing incidents being referred to the fiscal and they make a decision to prosecute or not, but this man hasnt gone to police at all.

The police do press charges up here, Ive known people who have been charged of an offence, its the PFs decision what to do with those charges, drop them or not or give an alternative to custody, but the police make the initial decision whether to charge someone or not.

Anyway, apologies if I gave out inaccurate information.