Getting my brother help

HTB_newbie

I'm new to MSE forums only posted on buying a house so far so don't know where to post this. I posted this in alcohol free diaries but not sure if that was the right place..

My brother has had a problem with drink since his teenage years (he's now 36) and lives in Spain (i.e. not near family). He's also had problems with drugs too but the last couple of times he's come back to the UK I thought (hoped) he was doing better. He made a conscious effort to control his drinking around my young children.

Anyway, he was back at my Mum's last weekend. He had apparently lent a friend a lot of money (£10k), they did a runner and he was angry. He drank a lot Friday night, started drinking at 8am Saturday morning and was looking to start a fight in the pub next door. To cut the story short he succeeded, knocked a poor guy unconscious and carried on kicking him. He told my Mum (she wasn't there) only that he hit someone and he returned back to Spain. We have just found out what he did and our sickened to say the least.

We've raised his drinking and drug issues with him in the past but he just gets angry and then we don't hear from him for months so we've been guilty of burying our head and not causing a fuss when he visits and now we realise how wrong this was..

My query is how can we get him help? He lives in Spain with his girlfriend (who also likes a drink) so we don't know where to start. We've heard that the poor guy who was hurt so badly doesn't want to press charges, I can't understand why he wouldn't and wish he would as a prison sentence would mean that he's forced not to drink. Any ideas on what help is available in Spain? I can't believe he has done this to someone and am really worried that without help he could do it again or worse

aileth

As I have found out through my mother's own drink problems, the first step is their acceptance. If they are not willing to accept they have a problem and want to address it, there is not a lot you can do I'm afraid.

Like the saying goes, you can lead a person to an AA meeting, but you can't make them walk in the door.

Dunroamin

There are English speaking AA meetings all over coastal areas of Spain - that would certainly be the simplest (and cheapest) route to take.

Of course, you haven't indicated that he recognises that he has a problem so, until he does, there's nothing you or anyone can do.

HTB_newbie

Thanks for your replies. I didn't know that there were English speaking AA meetings in Spain and I'll certainly suggest them to him when I get to speak with him. I'll take a look at their website and see if I can locate the nearest one.

I've not yet been able to speak to him and wonder if he evens remembers what he has done or whether he blacked out? I'm inclined to think the later as he hasn't even called to see how this poor guy is. Surely, this incident must bring about the light bulb moment that he needs serious help? There is no talking yourself into thinking that doing something like that is okay and when you accept that it clearly isn't but that you did it, surely you realise that you are out of control?? The idea that he wouldn't admit that he needs help after this is inconceivable.

Saying that if he doesn't admit help, I don't know what I'll do. If he's not genuinely interested in getting help after doing this then I really need to think seriously about whether he can come visit us at Christmas. I love him but I have my children to consider and if he doesn't feel a huge sense of guilt and take steps to seek help after doing this...

Dunroamin

http://www.aaspain.org/meetings/directory.php

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Don't expend your energy trying to help him. He doesn't want it.


He also in all probability knows exactly what he did, but used getting drunk as an excuse to make him 'not to blame' for it. And 'no memory' is a very common lie, because if he pretends it didn't happen, he can't be pulled up for it. You may remember the little girl who was murdered in Wales - her killer used exactly that he couldn't remember as his 'defence'.


And, as he is obviously a violent and dangerous man, there is no way he should be anywhere near your family.



PS I'm willing he bet he was still drinking around your kids, but switched to vodka so you couldn't smell it.

Errata

Saying that if he doesn't admit help, I don't know what I'll do

You can't do anything, his life, his mess, his problem to sort out. If my brother was as unpredictable as this he wouldn't come over the doorstep.

heath480

Sorry you have this problem.

There is nothing you can do,unless your brother wants to stop drinking,it dosen't sound as if he has had enough yet.

Al-anon is for families and friends of the Alcoholic,they say there is nothing you can do to help,you didn't cause it ,you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Please don't have him in your house if he is violent.

Alas vodka does smell and some! Total fallacy that it dosen't!

elsien

The fact that the man has chosen not to press charges will have given him the excuse he needs to tell himself it can't have been that serious. If he's not tried to contact anyone to find out what is happening, chances are theres no real recognition he's gone too far.
All you can do is give him information. And stop condoning his behaviour around you and yours. The rest has to come from him.

**professor~yaffle**

I don't think the booze on its own would make someone aggressive who wasn't already that way inclined. Alcohol exaggerates your existing moods, it wouldn't simply turn someone into a violent person.

HTB_newbie

Thank you all for your comments. Objectively I know where you are all coming from and appreciate your honesty. This is one of the reasons why I summoned up the courage to post this here as it is hard to be objective when it is your brother and I could do with some prespective. We had a great upbringing and many happy times together, I remember how sensitive and kind he was and still is when completely sober so am still struggling and don't want to think of him as "violent" or "dangerous" even though I clearly accept that is exactly what he was to this man.

I know that the right decision is to not let him near my children until he accepts the issues he has and seeks help but this is not an easy decision to make and come to terms with. I feel guilty doing this as I know how much he loves his niece and nephew and I see him come alive in their company. Its going to be hard to say to someone you love that they cannot be with their family at Christmas and I know I will upset my Mum by doing so, but whilst I genuinely believe that he would be on his best behaviour in front of the kids I can't take the risk. I'm really torn as my kids are my priority yet how can alienating my brother aid his recovery?