Getting my brother help

paulineb_2

Nothing, he has to see he has a problem first. Also, if your brother has gone to spain what would happen if the man he assaulted did press charges?
And its not certain that if he was found guilty hed get jail sentence anyway. I would imagine the man he assaulted may be too terrified to. I was badly assaulted when I was younger and I was terrified of the person who did it and worried about the repercussions if I had gone to the police.

It must be tough, thats all I can say, but, I wouldnt want a violent thug around my kids or the rest of my family and thats what he is.

HTB_newbie

**professor~yaffle** wrote: »

I don't think the booze on its own would make someone aggressive who wasn't already that way inclined. Alcohol exaggerates your existing moods, it wouldn't simply turn someone into a violent person.

Yet we grew up together and as every young sister does I knew exactly how to wind him up and used to do so at times. He would wind me up back but he wasn't violent. He'd very occasionally get in a fight at school but that was it. Growing up he was really caring, loving and funny.

paulineb_2

HTB_newbie wrote: »

Thank you all for your comments. Objectively I know where you are all coming from and appreciate your honesty. This is one of the reasons why I summoned up the courage to post this here as it is hard to be objective when it is your brother and I could do with some prespective. We had a great upbringing and many happy times together, I remember how sensitive and kind he was and still is when completely sober so am still struggling and don't want to think of him as "violent" or "dangerous" even though I clearly accept that is exactly what he was to this man.

I know that the right decision is to not let him near my children until he accepts the issues he has and seeks help but this is not an easy decision to make and come to terms with. I feel guilty doing this as I know how much he loves his niece and nephew and I see him come alive in their company. Its going to be hard to say to someone you love that they cannot be with their family at Christmas and I know I will upset my Mum by doing so, but whilst I genuinely believe that he would be on his best behaviour in front of the kids I can't take the risk. I'm really torn as my kids are my priority yet how can alienating my brother aid his recovery?

Hes not in recovery. Hes not seeking help. Hes still by all accounts drinking heavily

I would not want to have anything to do with my brother if he beat someone unconscious and didnt face up to the consequences, no matter whether he was on his best behaviour around family.

He went out deliberately looking for a fight because he lent someone 10 grand and he was looking for someone to take his anger out on.

He seems to have anger management issues and alcohol issues, possibly drugs?

I think the only way forward is tough love, if you !!!!!foot around him any longer what incentive does he have to change his ways?

paulineb_2

HTB_newbie wrote: »

Yet we grew up together and as every young sister does I knew exactly how to wind him up and used to do so at times. He would wind me up back but he wasn't violent. He'd very occasionally get in a fight at school but that was it. Growing up he was really caring, loving and funny.

But hes not anymore. He kicked someone unconscious. Dont make excuses for him even if you love him. Its natural to want to defend him, you've seen his best side.

He could have killed that man.

tanith

I'm afraid I agree with most people here , you can't help him if he hasn't admitted he has a problem and wants help. Maybe you telling him he can't come to you for Christmas will be his wake up call but in all seriousness I doubt it. While he's in Spain there is no one to disapprove of his heavy drinking that's one reason why he stays there, he doesn't have to face family disapproval every day.
How do you know he hasn't gotten into fights out there? he's certainly not going to tell you .
Alcoholism is a terrible thing but you can't help those who don't want to be helped.

paulineb_2

HTB_newbie wrote: »

Thanks for your replies. I didn't know that there were English speaking AA meetings in Spain and I'll certainly suggest them to him when I get to speak with him. I'll take a look at their website and see if I can locate the nearest one.

I've not yet been able to speak to him and wonder if he evens remembers what he has done or whether he blacked out? I'm inclined to think the later as he hasn't even called to see how this poor guy is. Surely, this incident must bring about the light bulb moment that he needs serious help? There is no talking yourself into thinking that doing something like that is okay and when you accept that it clearly isn't but that you did it, surely you realise that you are out of control?? The idea that he wouldn't admit that he needs help after this is inconceivable.

Saying that if he doesn't admit help, I don't know what I'll do. If he's not genuinely interested in getting help after doing this then I really need to think seriously about whether he can come visit us at Christmas. I love him but I have my children to consider and if he doesn't feel a huge sense of guilt and take steps to seek help after doing this...

Sadly, it may take a lot longer before he admits he has a problem, beating someone up may not be that light bulb moment. And you dont black out when you are beating someone up, he knew what he was doing, he went out looking for that fight.

He may never stop drinking. Thats a possibility you all need to face as a family.

HTB_newbie

paulineb wrote: »

Nothing, he has to see he has a problem first. Also, if your brother has gone to spain what would happen if the man he assaulted did press charges?
And its not certain that if he was found guilty hed get jail sentence anyway. I would imagine the man he assaulted may be too terrified to. I was badly assaulted when I was younger and I was terrified of the person who did it and worried about the repercussions if I had gone to the police.

It must be tough, thats all I can say, but, I wouldnt want a violent thug around my kids or the rest of my family and thats what he is.

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to you. I can't express how much I feel for the poor person he has done this too and for you too. This should never have happened and this guy has every right to not feel afraid. Thank you for sharing how the victim may be feeling. I'm so worried about how this may affect him and really hope that he is not left scarred mentally or otherwise. I don't know whether the police will press charges despite this guy not wanting to? As a matter of public safety shouldn't the police do so? it doesn't seem fair placing the onus on the victim. I really think that it is in everyone's interest that he gets convicted, he has to be held responsible.

Errata

He must have a superb job and be living the high life in Spain if he can afford to lend someone £10k.

HTB_newbie

paulineb wrote: »

But hes not anymore. He kicked someone unconscious. Dont make excuses for him even if you love him. Its natural to want to defend him, you've seen his best side.

He could have killed that man.

I know that's what scares me more than anything and why I feel that I must do something. I really don't want him to hurt anyone else.

paulineb_2

No, the police wont press charges unless the person who was assaulted wants them to.

I would imagine the man he assaulted will be shaken up by it, getting beaten up isnt a pleasant experience.

Your brother can only take responsibility for his actions if he chooses to.

You said something in the thread earlier if he was in jail he wouldnt be drinking. I understand what you mean, but if he were convicted, he could walk into a pub the day his sentence was over.

Your issues are bigger than his alcohol problem, the biggest issue for all of you is whether you keep up contact with your brother.

Do you have email? Can you email him and say, you beat someone up at the weekend and we are disgusted and we are considering not having you around until you consider getting help for your alcohol issues?

Even if he chooses to ignore you, at least you have said your piece.
Hes 36, an adult. You cant change his behaviour, only he can. And hes also less likely to if his partner is also a drinker.