Relationship with Mum

paulineb_2

Your mum sounds like she has mental health issues or some kind of personality disorder. You cant change the way she reacts to the world and it must be tough on you as shes not the mum you would have wished for. You are stuck between a rock and a hard place really, but I would say, limited contact or no contact

Shes done so much damage and shes not going to change now. You have to put yourself first, shes not going to acknowledge what shes done to you, perhaps she cant.

All you can do is make peace with the past and move on in a way thats going to be least harmful to you.

melanzana

rebeccatom wrote: »

I made mine by thinking "if this person was not my mother, would i let them treat me like this?" The answer was no. Sad but I am happier now than when i was dealing with her.

It's not an easy decision to make. Good luck with your baby and however you decide to go forward.

The quote above is brilliant. Really made me think.

I know comparing non relatives to a Mum is a bit of a leap, but at the same time we are talking about adults here.

I have had to restrict contact with a relative who is toxic. No other word for it. Instead of visiting twice a week for a load of grief, I go once a month if I am available for a quarter of the time is used to go for.

The difference in that persons demeanour towards me is incredible.


Visits are now on MY terms, and to be sure, Less is more!

justme111

Mojisola wrote: »

She is human which means that she can control the way she behaves. If she wants to cause upset to everyone she knows and is related to, she will end up alone.

Angelou wrote: »

Thank you for your thoughts. The thing is for many years I felt sorry for her because she had a tough childhood herself. I made excuses and constantly played referee between her and my brother.The thing that started to grate was how much she went on and on about how terrible her childhood was and how awful her parents were and then went on to say that she was determined to give us a good childhood and how much better ours was because of how hard she tried! i bit my tongue for so long it was practically hanging off! So the understanding part is really hard due to the complete lack of self awareness.

In terms of forgiving, I have tried this. I do feel angry at how she constantly tried to undermine my relationship with my dad and to this day she still makes comments or gets upset if I invite him to key events. I know I need to forgive her to put this to bed but it is just so hard when so much misery was caused. I'll get to the point where I am coming round to forgiving her and then something else will blow up because she offended over some perceived slight.

I hate feeling like this about my own mother. I am (for some reason unbeknownst to me!) very idealistic, I believe in the 'honour you father and mother' approach but I can't feel respect for her when she has such a lack of self awareness and can be so hurtful. I must accept that she is not the mother that I would like her to be, never was, never will be. She is only human, I appreciate that and no one is perfect, but surely it doesn't have to be this hard?? So I should just get over it and concentrate on being the best mum I can be. That's what my head says, if only it were that easy.

I do not think what you.done on counsellor prompting was wrong. I see it as a necessary stage. First you taken your mum side without questioning , then you got angry with her , I reckon it was needed that let her know how you felt. It was very unlikely for her to admit to all the not so nice deeds , people turn defensive and if they were not aware enough and selfish enough t o do those deeds there is little hope for them to own to it under pressure. It does not mean you should not feel for her anyway, just this time it would be not because she was badly treat ed by this that and the other but because she has not had a particularly happy lifee. Does not matter it was her own making , she still suffers for it. Would you not feel for a child if he tripped over and had a nasty knee injury even if it was because the child was skipping when he should not have.done so .
I dont see cutting your mum away and leaving her lonely as an honorable thing to do. I accept it mat be lesser of two evils if you yourself are still vulnerable enough for her contact with you to affect you severely enough as to result in problems in your family life. Ideally you would have become happy and strong enough as to be able to provide her with company . At the end of the day you are a part of her , if it would not be for her being as she is you would not be as you are..

skattykatty

You say you're the 'one left standing because everyone else has made their choice' - this statement sounds both bold, like you're the only one who has been able to withstand her attacks, and fragile, now there's only you in the line of attack. Both of these positions are in thrall to her.

You were brave to put your cards on the table. At the same time it sounds like you had an expectation of your mum, which she is just not capable of living up to. Perhaps you also have an expectation of yourself, that you 'should' honour your mum and dad despite experience; that you shouldn't be angry, despite experience. I suppose this is part of the tendency towards idealisation.

Give yourself a break! Feel your feelings...allow yourself to be loved and comforted by those who treasure you...allow yourself the time and space to get to know your baby and yourself, in your role as mummy...allow yourself a break from your own mum...allow yourself the freedom to make your adult choices.

Person_one

I have a grandmother who's basically a complete b!tch, thoroughly unpleasant person. She was terrible to my parent when they were growing up too, as yours was.

We had really limited contact with her as children. An hour a few times a year, if that. I am immensely grateful to my parents for this, having seen the damage and the hurt that she's inflicted on my aunties, uncles and cousins over the years.

Your child will thank you for shielding her from this unpleasant person, they won't miss out. Trust me.

Dimey

A lot of sensible advice here OP, pretty much reinforcing your gut feeling to protect your family from your Mother's toxicity.

My view is that your Mother's mood swings and connivance to hurt you alone comes from some form of mental instability. She probably treated your Father the same. Hurting those closest to her where she is comfortable enough to let her front down.

You must put your children's mental health first. You can't risk them being manipulated and confused like you have been. For that reason you can't let your Mother be alone with the children nor in company with them with anyone who isn't aware of your Mother's volatility and wicked talk and is capable of stopping her fast.

You don't want your Mother messing with your children's minds as you might not know till years later that she poisoned them against you or your husband or their grandfather etc.

Personally I would explain to your Mother how your duty is to protect your children and yourself. Just be matter of fact about her behaviour. Your Mother is only powerful when you all keep her behaviour a secret. Talk openly with your immediate adult family and she is exposed as being in the wrong and not to be believed.

Tell her you need to be happy and content to be a good parent. That means limited, supervised contact for her and she must not speak poison to you or your children. That she must also not put down your Father & Stepmother, your husband and your Brother and accept that they all have a place in your life.

If your Mother can't agree to that or does and then lets herself down, then you'll have to reduce the occasions when you meet to say a Christmas and birthday visit with all the family around as protection.

Sounds like you can rely on your husband for wisdom. Your stepfather might be able to help in the negotiations.

marisco_2

Your mum shows narcissistic tendencies OP. People like this never change and over time they have the ability to deeply negatively affect the lives of those around them. From what you have disclosed on here, which I don't doubt is the tip of the ice-burg of all you have endured, you would be wise to cut contact with your mum. Some people better your life by being in it, while others will better it by staying out. You can't improve your life if you stay surrounded by all this negativity, tension and upset. You may also want to look up the term 'gas lighting'. Not easy reading and only you will know if this applies to your situation.

The likelihood of your new baby improving your relationship with your mother is highly remote sadly. Your little one could be used as another way to undermine and criticise you. There may even be jealousy shown towards the baby as he/she will naturally take up your time and attention. It is not selfish to value yourself, take care of yourself and make the happiness of your immediate family a priority. Sometimes this is a necessity. I hope you wont feel I have spoken out of turn about a close relative of yours. No matter how difficult your relationship with her, she is still your mum and my perspective can't have been easy to read.

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP and I hope all goes well for you.

grey_lady

I'm glad someone else has finally mentioned that your mother appears to be narcissistic - and don't think that rules out mental health issues.

I don't think that you need to have to much contact with her right now if its causing you stress.

A couple of suggestions :-)
Get over to mumsnet talk relationships forum and check out the 'but we took you to stately homes' thread
Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Read Healing the inner child by John Bradshaw.

Think about the fact that your mother was probably not capable of behaving any differently, children need love and empathy but not all mothers are capable of giving it - particularly narcissistic mothers.

When baby is born, you do not have to let your mother come and stay (who needs extra stress!) take over, babysit, dictate etc if your partner can take a couple of weeks off after the birth and you have your health visitor, midwives, local children's center groups, church baby groups then I'm sure you'll have all the support you need - atb.

Mojisola

justme111 wrote: »

Does not matter it was her own making , she still suffers for it.

And, by the sound of it, so does everyone else when she's around.

Would you not feel for a child if he tripped over and had a nasty knee injury even if it was because the child was skipping when he should not have.done so .

But would you feel for a child if he had tantrum after tantrum because he couldn't have his world run exactly the way he wanted?

I dont see cutting your mum away and leaving her lonely as an honorable thing to do. I accept it mat be lesser of two evils if you yourself are still vulnerable enough for her contact with you to affect you severely enough as to result in problems in your family life.

I don't see it as very honourable for a parent to make her children's lives a misery.

Ideally you would have become happy and strong enough as to be able to provide her with company . At the end of the day you are a part of her , if it would not be for her being as she is you would not be as you are..

Ideally, the mother would realise just how destructive her behaviour is and would change the way she treats other people.

The OP has a duty to her own child to protect her/him from nasty people. If one of these people is the child's grandmother, protection still comes first.

meritaten

I am not 'diagnosing' your mum - but suggest you look up threads on 'Narcissists' on here and on internet. your mum sounds classic.

you can either cut off contact or allow limited contact with yourself and your family. just remember, YOU are in charge here.

I hated my Great Grandmother - she treated my lovely Nan like S**t. Nan was dead scared of her. I just despised her, as even as a child I realised she was a not a nice person.