Relationship with Mum

Angelou

HPoirot wrote: »

It might be hard but in my opinion that would be the best option. She has been an adult for longer than you have, there is no reason why you should be in contact with her because no one else will. While you are thinking of her wellbeing in terms of having family around, is she thinking the same of you? Does she put what's best for you before her own whims? You are her child after all, not the other way round.

That is at the heart of the whole thing. When I was left with her after my dad and brother left and she was going through depression, she'd tell me things no child really ought to know. It got to the point where I'd feel responsible for her, not the other way around. I used to wonder if when I came home from school I'd find her dead from an overdose or something. Not a nice feeling at all. It took a lot of counselling for me to get down to recognising this and it has left me with a whole lot of anger that I can't do anything about. Perhaps I'd watched too much Dr Phil, but I thought if we got all the cards on the table perhaps we could get past it, again another attempt at me 'trying to save her'. I'm not trying any more, she will have to save herself just like I have to. But now I'm left with resentment and anger. Even if I stop contact with her I'm still going to be feeling like this towards her, which isn't good for me at all.

Her thing now is using her age as an excuse not to do things. If I say go over to spain to see my brother, she'll say she's too old for the journey (she is 63!). Feels like she's been waiting to play this card for ages.

BitterAndTwisted

What would I do? I'd be paying very close attention to the advice my husband was giving me.

Your mother sounds like a very large Black Hole of misery and selfishness, who is going to suck the very life and joy out of you. She was an unkind and self-centred mother and is most likely to be the very same as a grandmother.

Think about how unhappy she has made your childhood and adult life and think about how damaging having her in your child's life is likely to be. I wouldn't want to risk it.

HPoirot

The resentment and anger will pass in time, when you have her completely out of her system. I think these emotions are better to manage than breaking down after yet another bust up. If you concentrate on being a good mother to your forthcoming baby, in time you might feel that you have redeemed yourself - if somewhere deep down there is the feeling that you have not been able to save her. I would not be surprised if it's there somewhere after her continually dumping her emotional baggage on you when so young.

Angelou

bernice_31 wrote: »

The first year of having a new baby will be an emotional whirlwind, but do not underestimate how protective you will be of your little one, and I think this will fuel your strength to stand up to your Mum. You really do go from being 'The Daughter' to being 'The Mother' in your own right, which will give you a lot of confidence in yourself and your own decisions.

You never know, your Mum may change in her attitude once baby has arrived and become softer in her nature.

It's funny you should say this, I'm already feeling the protectiveness coming out. I will not stand for any nonsense towards the baby because at that point its not just about me anymore, its about my child.

I know I sound weak in my posts, but really I'm not generally. I've got a successful career and a great relationship. If you met me you'd think I was really confident. Its just this area of my life I've never really been able to get a grip of. I guess because I have been stuck in the daughter role, trying to fix the problems.

Mojisola

Angelou wrote: »

Its very hard to cut her out of my life, she doesn't have a close relationship with my brother or his kids and really we're the only relatives that she is still in contact with. I feel its like musical chairs, I'm the one left standing because everyone else has made their choice.

But there's nothing to stop you making the same choice.

bagpussbear

Sounds like you had a very trying childhood/teenagehood with your mum OP. I think others were at fault too with not giving you any support.

My advice would be NOT to leave your child with her. If you want to keep contact then by all means visit her with your child, but don't give her the chance to babysit. See how that goes.

She sounds pretty messed up to be honest. If she asks why you don't let her see/have your child for longer etc I think you should literally say 'you made my life a misery mum when I was younger, so I'm not going to let you do the same to my child now'.

justme111

op stopping contact.with her mum may not sort the issue. forgiveness and understanding would. You do not need her to acknowledge her shortcomings to forgive and understand. If she was a happy well balanced person without scars surely she would have.given you better childhood but she was not. No need to through stones. She is your mum , unless you are kind to her I am afraid you may fund it difficult to be kind to yourself.
By being kind I do not mean agreeing with her or letting her run you down. I mean to react to her without anger. It may change a lot .. I am sure it will. You will change as well when you become mother so it will be easier for you to do I reckon. My mum apologised to me in the last.couple of years for her shortcomings. A few years earlier she was adamant even when I was 5 all that was happening to me was my responsibility. I let it go back then , it is very difficult for people to accept failure in such an important area. You do not need anybody to validate what you know is truth , even less your mum .

Angelou

justme111 wrote: »

op stopping contact.with her mum may not sort the issue. forgiveness and understanding would. You do not need her to acknowledge her shortcomings to forgive and understand. If she was a happy well balanced person without scars surely she would have.given you better childhood but she was not. No need to through stones. She is your mum , unless you are kind to her I am afraid you may fund it difficult to be kind to yourself.
By being kind I do not mean agreeing with her or letting her run you down. I mean to react to her without anger. It may change a lot .. I am sure it will. You will change as well when you become mother so it will be easier for you to do I reckon. My mum apologised to me in the last.couple of years for her shortcomings. A few years earlier she was adamant even when I was 5 all that was happening to me was my responsibility. I let it go back then , it is very difficult for people to accept failure in such an important area. You do not need anybody to validate what you know is truth , even less your mum .

Thank you for your thoughts. The thing is for many years I felt sorry for her because she had a tough childhood herself. I made excuses and constantly played referee between her and my brother.The thing that started to grate was how much she went on and on about how terrible her childhood was and how awful her parents were and then went on to say that she was determined to give us a good childhood and how much better ours was because of how hard she tried! i bit my tongue for so long it was practically hanging off! So the understanding part is really hard due to the complete lack of self awareness.

In terms of forgiving, I have tried this. I do feel angry at how she constantly tried to undermine my relationship with my dad and to this day she still makes comments or gets upset if I invite him to key events. I know I need to forgive her to put this to bed but it is just so hard when so much misery was caused. I'll get to the point where I am coming round to forgiving her and then something else will blow up because she offended over some perceived slight.

I hate feeling like this about my own mother. I am (for some reason unbeknownst to me!) very idealistic, I believe in the 'honour you father and mother' approach but I can't feel respect for her when she has such a lack of self awareness and can be so hurtful. I must accept that she is not the mother that I would like her to be, never was, never will be. She is only human, I appreciate that and no one is perfect, but surely it doesn't have to be this hard?? So I should just get over it and concentrate on being the best mum I can be. That's what my head says, if only it were that easy.

Mojisola

Angelou wrote: »

I hate feeling like this about my own mother. I am (for some reason unbeknownst to me!) very idealistic, I believe in the 'honour you father and mother' approach but I can't feel respect for her when she has such a lack of self awareness and can be so hurtful. I must accept that she is not the mother that I would like her to be, never was, never will be.

She is only human, I appreciate that and no one is perfect, but surely it doesn't have to be this hard?? So I should just get over it and concentrate on being the best mum I can be. That's what my head says, if only it were that easy.

She is human which means that she can control the way she behaves. If she wants to cause upset to everyone she knows and is related to, she will end up alone.

z.n

Think very carefully- in a similar position to you I decided on no contact. It was liberating in many ways but as time goes on I do wonder if I made the right decision. However, when dealing with someone incapable of acknowledging their behaviour let alone saying sorry for breathtaking unkindness it seems to me that I was left with no choice. My later efforts to re-build bridges were rejected, I presume because I was unwilling to fall back into the old patterns. It is not black and white though-whichever you decide there are emotional costs. Maintaining a 'social' relationship is the most convenient way if it can be done- this does not require forgiveness but simply manners and the ability to walk away when it gets too much.

You cannot make your mother the parent you would have liked her to be, but the fantastic news is that you can be that parent to your own children.