Relationship with Mum

Angelou

I've been lurking for a while but have finally got up the courage to post.

I"m a 33 year old woman and since I was a teenager I've always had a challenging relationship with my mum. When I was young my parents divorced because my mum decided she wasn't happy anymore with her life and wanted a change. This was obviously devastating to my dad, brother and myself, but she wasn't happy so things had to change. Dad moved out and soon after my brother left home, so I was left alone with mum. It turns out that she had been seeing someone, who was also married but he refused to leave his wife. She claims there was no overlap but I don't believe her to be honest, the timing was a little too close to be believed. Anyway, his wife found out and he left my mum, who then fell into depression. She threatened suicide and was in a very bad place. I was a young teenager at the time with no support, my dad was still wrapped up in his own grief at the relationship ending. Those were very lonely and confusing days for me, but no one noticed. We moved to another house which I hated and I ended up being bullied at school. Mum as usual put her head in the sand and thought everything was alright. No help, no speaking to the school, nothing. I made a promise that I'd get out of the situation as soon as I possible could.

Over the years I bought into her view of things, that she was the victim. Her parents treated her badly when she was a kid and she brings this up all the time. I mean all the time! She told me from early on how awful my dad was (she said some really horrible things) and how lonely she was in the marriage and how she alone managed to soldier on for us kids. She always talked about my dad needing counselling but never her. I think the reason I bought into it was because I only ever heard her side of the story. Looking back I don't believe anything of what she said about my dad. At one point she said to him that she thought he was sexually abusing me, which was absolutely not true! Looking back I think she was jealous of our relationship. I recently found out that she had received monthly payments from my dad, which she told him would go towards helping me at university, I never saw one penny of that money and didn't even know about it until now!

As I got older and into my 20s the penny started to drop and I got very angry at how I had been manipulated. I had counselling to sort my feelings out and my counsellor suggested I speak to her in a calm rational manner. Mum was always happy to bang on about unhappy or miserable she was, but when I tried to tell her how i felt she'd either say I was making things up or just shut down the conversation. This left me feeling angry and frustrated because she never acknowledged my feelings. Anyway, on the advice of my counsellor I tried to speak to her and I did get a bit teary to be honest and this time I told her to listen to what I had to say. Well ever since then she has looked for reasons to get back at me. That sounds dramatic but its absolutely true.

I invited my dad to come to a social event (the two of them can never be in the same room so there's no point even trying, its just deeply uncomfortable). I had always invited my mum to things but this time wanted to make my dad a priority. When she found out she went ballistic, screaming down the phone that we were talking about her and laughing at her (we didn't mention her), just pouring horrible comments down the phone, so i hung up. The next time I saw her, she was sweetness and light and then suddenly out of the blue started to attack me verbally, calling me so many very horrible things. I mean really, really horrible, which I won't repeat. I was proud of myself as I stayed calm and didn't retaliate, I just walked away.Since then I will not see her alone without my husband as she never does any of this in front of him as he will not stand for her nonsense (his words!).

My mum is married, my step dad is a nice guy who I get on with, to be honest he is easier to be around than she is! but I'm sure she's painted a very black picture of me to him so I'm not sure what he thinks, I never get to talk to him alone. My brother has moved away to Spain and never really had a good relationship with mum, he sees her as a duty to be performed. He has his issues with how she treated him when he was a kid and I know he's talked to a counsellor as well, which makes me feel a whole lot better as its not just me!

The problem is we are expecting our first child in November and I really don't know how to handle the situation. When I was younger and more idealistic, I thought that she'd be a good grandmother but given her behaviour I'm having second thoughts. I wouldn't stop her seeing the baby but I'm very nervous about leaving the baby with her. I don't think she'd do anything, its more what she'd say in front of them (I know when they are young they don't understand words but they pick up on vibes). The things is I have a really great relationship with my dad and step mum who I think will probably be my main source of support and I know this is going to cause friction as mum will get jealous. Things like christmas will be a nightmare as mum thinks she should always get priority. My dad and SM already have a better relationship with my niece and nephew as they both make the effort to go out to Spain to see them. Mum won't as she says its too far, but still gets upset when they get to do special things with them.

This whole situation has made my very sad and it does make me cry at times. My husband tells me that I have to let it go and I'll be fine for a while then something will set me off and I'll feel sad again (pregnancy hormones don't help!). I'm sad that I'm missing the mother-daughter bonding over a new baby that I hear about from my friends.

The advice the counsellor gave me didn't make things better it actually made it a whole lot worse. She just denied all my memories and told me I was lying and being cruel to her. I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that I'll never really put to bed my childhood, which makes it difficult to let go of the anger I feel towards her. I am so determined not to hand this onto my child, I never want them to feel like a pawn in a game of emotional blackmail.

I also don't want my kids walking around on eggshells with me. With mum she switches from being really nice to being very horrible so quickly. Any perceived slight against her is stored up and kept for later, she'll blow the smallest thing up into a major drama weeks later. Sometimes you just don't know who you're going to be dealing with. I've tried to suggest counselling but this was seen as an insult - I can't win.

Thank you for reading this if you've got this far!

I guess my question is what would you do?

trolleyrun

I'd minimise any contact with her, but that's easy for me to say. You don't have to leave any child of yours with her just because she's "granny". Take pleasure in your good relationships. If you feel up to it, explain to your mother that you will no longer partake in her drama, and unless she changes her behaviour, you won't be seeing her at all. Again, this is easy for me to say, as I don't have any emotional ties.

As for putting your childhood behind you, could you maybe write a letter to your mother (you don't have to send it)? Get all your anger out on paper and include things you'd never dream of saying to her face. Then scrunch it up, stamp on it, scream a bit, burn it if you want to. Do this as and when you feel the anger, disappointment and hurt gets too much to bear.

I hope you find a solution that works for you. Be strong and don't forget that you deserve to be treated well

Kaz2904

I would never leave my baby alone with her for a start!
I had a similar situation with my Mother but it was my Aunty and Uncle who brought up my sister and I in the main.
We don't really see her ever as she's insane and it's a very toxic relationship. I count my aunty and uncle as my parents and they are the ones who we spend Christmas and family occasions with. My Mother has never been left alone with my children (not even when I went to the loo) and has seen them a handful of times. They wouldn't know who she was if they saw her (in fact, I think she squirmed at my sisters wedding when 4 yr old DD said rather loudly "Mummy, who's the lady with sparkly shoes on?" "It's your Granny!!").
I don't let it bother me tbh, she's not worth the effort and I have lovely kids who don't need her agro.

rebeccatom

I recognise a lot of what you have said, we have very similar mothers by the sounds of it and are also the same age.

I have worked for years to try and figure out the best way of dealing with my mum but i have now got to the point where i have to look after myself and my future. And so do not see her at the moment.

You have to decide if you think she will be a positive part of you and your new family's life or not. Then make your choice from there.

I made mine by thinking "if this person was not my mother, would i let them treat me like this?" The answer was no. Sad but I am happier now than when i was dealing with her.

It's not an easy decision to make. Good luck with your baby and however you decide to go forward.

Gigglepig

Big hugs to you. Pregnancy can be challenging in itself. Anyway I don't think you need to make any decisions right away regarding contact with grandma to be. Perhaps invite her for a short visit at first, and se how it goes - but if she kicks off firmly remind her that her behaviour won't be tolerated and she can either be civil or leave. I would suggest to make sure your OH ( and perhaps even stepdad?) are there to support you - she might behave better in front of other people? Remind yourself you are an adult with your own family, you are in charge, and you are not a victim.

People remember things very differently and have different perspectives. It sounds like your mum had a rough time with possible mental health issues and relationships that were a right mess. You won't be able to find out the "truth" about her and your dad - it is impossivle to judge a marriage from the outside, and they might have very different perspectives on what happened. She might not be capable or willing to face up to different perspectives than her own.

you also had a rough time - as a child of course the responsibility was not yours. She might have tried to do her best with what she had (even if her trying her best wasn't great for her kids).

Hard as it might be to put these things behind you, many people have issues from their childhood and they just move on. If what happened so long ago is still bothering you, perhaps some counselling on your own would help. (Though be prepared, it can be tough at first to stir up in old feelings and old memories.)

I understand you not wanting to repeat the same behaviour as your mum. You are not your mum, and the fact that you are aware of these issues and personality tendencies makes you different from her. You are your own person and get to make your own mistakes.

System

I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago (but very different circumstances). My mother had been the driving force behind my family (immediate and extended) no longer talking to me. Particularly since marriage when she had said very hurtful things to just about everyone we knew.

I hadn't spoken to anyone in my family in years. And then they found out we were expecting our first. They approached us about reconciling. I eventually reluctantly agreed but my concerns were the same as yours. This lady had spent her entire life hating me. I remember her being happy when she made me miserable.

Throughout my life all I wanted was to just get away. I was miserable but then lucky enough to find my wife and share life with a like minded person for once. My dream was that I would live a simple life and make childhood fun for my children. If ever they wanted to visit us when they were older then that would be because they wanted to and not because they had to. Our home would be a place they could come to relax, if they wanted to. And then this lady who is poison comes and says she wants in now? My thoughts were my children think the same of me that my current family do because of what she says to them.

But the one thing I will say from experience is - I have found children and grandchildren are not the same. She has treated my children very well. She has also tried to be nice to my wife and I. She has her moments but nothing can be done about that. My son adores her and she has been dedicated. In fact, it has helped my profoundly. I watched her and my son once and I thought to myself why couldn't you have been like that with me. It was kind of like my closure. I realised she is not all evil. It is just me that she doesn't like and that helped me put the whole thing to bed and I don't wonder about things anymore.

Off course, this is an on going issue if things were to change then I would react accordingly. But for now supervised visiting (at their house and my wife is there) is fine.

I guess what I am trying to say is that do not assume anything. This is not your mother you are dealing with anymore. It will be your child's grandmother. You owe it to your child to give her a chance and then if it doesn't work your conscious is clear. Just make the necessary provisions such as setting times and making sure you supervise and control the situation.

HPoirot

If I were you OP, I would write your mum out of my life.

You have put up with years of her abuse, now you have a young new life to think of and to protect, and the environment that your mum brings with her is not healthy. I would also look to strengthen the positive relationships that are in your life, your father and stepmother I'm sure will be great grandparents to your child.

I doubt that your mother, having come this far and lasted so many years, will change her attitude towards her children. It is more likely than not that this is the pattern in which she relates to you and patterns are harder to break the longer they have been left to fester. If you have doubts about how she will act with your child, a good pointer would be how she is with your brother's children.

In my experience, poisonous people are best left alone. I think you might also want to see her for what she is in order to break out of the pattern so to speak. You do not have to keep trying and to keep hoping that she will be nicer etc, you need to live your own life and move on from your past. We only have one life and are not put on this earth to serve anyone.

It may be that if you move on from her, breaking the pattern, she might come to realise that you are not to be bullied or be bitter at, her nonsense is not getting the airtime that she is used to, and she is not getting away with it anymore. If so then she might want to make the first step towards you and her grandchild, but if I were you I would leave that entirely to her. It is for her to change her destructive ways, not for others to pander around it.

All the best.

Angelou

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

Its very hard to cut her out of my life, she doesn't have a close relationship with my brother or his kids and really we're the only relatives that she is still in contact with. I feel its like musical chairs, I'm the one left standing because everyone else has made their choice.

I've tried counselling and whilst it made me feel better for a while it didn't really help in terms of an ongoing relationship with her. Like I said, it actually made it worse. When I told her I'd been to counselling, she said 'what's wrong with you then?' its always pushed back onto me. If she had an actual diagnosis for a mental health condition it would in someways be easier because there would be a reason. The thing is that she can turn it on and off so quickly I don't think its a mental health issue. Once when she was having a go at me she was crying and because I didn't react with 'poor you' she immediately switched to anger and spitting out insults, it was quite scary to watch. She never does it when my husband or step dad are around. She'll turn the tears on but they never see the really nasty side of her, that's reserved for me :-(

Since the big blow out I've seen her a few times with my husband and step dad there and its very tense. She's always really nervous and on edge. She has phoned my brother in tears and told him how mean i've been to her, but he knows the score so doesn't pay any attention.

HPoirot

It might be hard but in my opinion that would be the best option. She has been an adult for longer than you have, there is no reason why you should be in contact with her because no one else will. While you are thinking of her wellbeing in terms of having family around, is she thinking the same of you? Does she put what's best for you before her own whims? You are her child after all, not the other way round.

ETA It is an emotional pattern that IMO you have to break out of, being the receiving end of her fury. The same as it is an emotional pattern for her to be nasty and domineering towards you. As I said, the more it has been left to fester the harder it will be to break, but if I were you I would think of how it will affect being a mother myself especially if you are to be a wreck every time you see or hear from her.

bernice_31

The first year of having a new baby will be an emotional whirlwind, but do not underestimate how protective you will be of your little one, and I think this will fuel your strength to stand up to your Mum. You really do go from being 'The Daughter' to being 'The Mother' in your own right, which will give you a lot of confidence in yourself and your own decisions.

You never know, your Mum may change in her attitude once baby has arrived and become softer in her nature.

Errata

Take control of your life. You don't have to see her, you don't have to talk to her, you don't have to let her see your baby let alone leave it with her.
Most importantly - don't have daydreams about grandmas and mums bonding over babies - it doesn't always happen and if it does it isn't necessarlily all moonlight and roses.