giving up work to look after terminally ill husband

no-oneknowsme

bloolagoon wrote: »

What a horrific post! People grieve in many different ways. Some people like dunaromin have to deal with very long, progressive and socially isolating illnesses. You clearly have no idea of the mental and physical strength required to deal with such a traumatic event over a long period of time. Falling apart would not only cause her pain but those she cares for.

If there comes a time she loses her loved one, perhaps then she may crack, or not, but right now they cannot as have to deal with it, day in and day out, no matter how tired or exhausted.

Your comment was very very offensive. I'm assuming its because you are grieving because otherwise it makes you something I'm sure you'd never be.

Please dont preach to me about the difficulty of long illnesses.

I nursed my Mother through years of cancer and was her main carer. So please dont tell me I have no idea!

stewby

I feel this thread is losing focus a bit, it is here to offer help and advice to the OP.
I second the suggestion of the DS1500. If you speak to your GP about it now, then it will be in place for later (if that makes sense).

A DS1500 is a brilliant resource to have (even if you don't need it now), it is basically a fast-track VIP pass to care so, in the future, if your MIL is struggling to care for your dad then she can request and get care almost immediately instead of having to go through the normal channels.
I am not sure of the financial side of a DS1500. However, your father will obviously be entitled to benefits and your MIL should get carer's allowance. I would recommend contacting your local Citizen's advice beureax (sorry about the spelling) as they are the experts in what you can claim.

Also Marie Curie are brilliant, as well as Macmillan. I would also research support structures in your area (we have things like cornerstone up here). These are resources which have people who will come in and sit with your dad. They won't do personal care however it will allow you MIL to go out and do shopping or get her hair done or anything really. It just allows her a couple of hours as caring for someone with a terminal disease (especially over a prolonged period of time) can be very intense. It is amazing how just a couple of hours a week can help keep you going for longer.

I hope you all get through this incredibly difficult time and that your father has a very comfortable and complication-free journey through this most hellish disease.
*hugs*

p.s: Remember that you will need support too, not just your MIL. It is shocking how many people get so worried about others that they forget about themselves. I hope this post has helped a bit.

bloolagoon

no-oneknowsme wrote: »

Please dont preach to me about the difficulty of long illnesses.

I nursed my Mother through years of cancer and was her main carer. So please dont tell me I have no idea!

Then you should be very aware that people deal with things differently. I found your post very offensive as I am currently battling it 2nd time around, prognosis isn't good as it returned so quickly and I am warned it may spread very quickly this time.

I have young children, they are my priority as is my beloved husband. No one cracks, no one falls apart, not because I'm a heartless cow as you so nicely inferred I am and my family are heartless too, simply because I need strength. They day my loved ones crack I know it's over, there is no cone back from that. I need to see in their eyes that I'm going to survive it again, I need to know that my children will be ok, I need to take their strength. Their strength is my strength.

So whilst I continue to try to live life positively, for what is best for my family, you judge and say people like my family are heartless. It's not particularly nice to read judgemental comments like yours. Everyone affected by this horrid disease copes in different ways and to belittle those that don't fall apart is frankly uncalled for.

mikey_bach

smithyjules wrote: »

Thank you very much indeed to each and every reply.

I spent 17 minutes on hold calling about Carers Allowance today but it was worth every minute (of hideous music!)because the last who answered was very knowledgeable and explained lots of things to me in a really sensitive way.

They will be applying for PIP, which used to be DLA, which will be pushed through quicker due to the circumstances, then Carers Allowance. Once those are in place I will look into the other things.

They have an appointment with Macmillan next week.

Thanks again for the time people have taken to reply. It has made a difficult time a little easier.

she can make her claim I.S straight away if she gives up work.
on the grounds of she has made a claim to Carers Allowance.

you dont have to wait until the claim to CA has been put into payment
to claim IS

Ms_Chocaholic

Is there any way/would your MIL consider continuing to work part-time and maybe you/your husband/other family members help to care for FIL. I know this sounds insensitive and your MIL probably wants to spend precious time with her husband, but keep reading.

Unfortunately the circumstances of your FIL's illness are not yet known, his prognosis may not be good and if, if not, your MIL will have given up work/friends. Obviously she will still have friends but, afterwards, work may be the only thing that helps her get out of bed on a morning.

mellymoo74

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

Is there any way/would your MIL consider continuing to work part-time and maybe you/your husband/other family members help to care for FIL. I know this sounds insensitive and your MIL probably wants to spend precious time with her husband, but keep reading.

Unfortunately the circumstances of your FIL's illness are not yet known, his prognosis may not be good and if, if not, your MIL will have given up work/friends. Obviously she will still have friends but, afterwards, work may be the only thing that helps her get out of bed on a morning.

I second this. It helped me to try to work before I nursed my dad. Getting out of the house can help. Also the macmillon nurse was fab they offer a lot of support to the family as well as the individual.
If she finds she can't cope there is no shame in speaking to work and if they agree getting signed off.

You all need to t

smithyjules

Thanks again for the replies.

No doubt I'll miss something in my response so I do appologise in advance.

Mum in laws boss is lovely, she has worked there for some years but he runs a small independent pharmacy and could not afford to cover her absence as we just don't know how long it might be for. Being signed off sick doesn't really help him get someone else to cover. She does not want to give up work at all but she also wants to care for dad until the end. Throw into the equation that she delivers a meal for her mum twice a day too and I think she would be burnt out working too just now.
I don't drive and live about 15 minute drive away, have 2 small herberts (still haven't found the courage or the words to tell them yet but that's another story), and work full time. Hubby works 6 days a week. Having said that I am now batch cooking meals for mil and her mum too so that should help a little. Also helping any other way I can too, mainly with forms, financial bits too. And of course visiting and popping over to pick the multitude of runner beans that fil is fretting about!
Thanks so much indeed for all the info and advice. It really has helped.
Just such a heart wrenching time for us all. Such a wonderful man too.x

smithyjules

Thanks again for the replies.

No doubt I'll miss something in my response so I do appologise in advance.

Mum in laws boss is lovely, she has worked there for some years but he runs a small independent pharmacy and could not afford to cover her absence as we just don't know how long it might be for. Being signed off sick doesn't really help him get someone else to cover. She does not want to give up work at all but she also wants to care for dad until the end. Throw into the equation that she delivers a meal for her mum twice a day too and I think she would be burnt out working too just now.
I don't drive and live about 15 minute drive away, have 2 small herberts (still haven't found the courage or the words to tell them yet but that's another story), and work full time. Hubby works 6 days a week. Having said that I am now batch cooking meals for mil and her mum too so that should help a little. Also helping any other way I can too, mainly with forms, financial bits too. And of course visiting and popping over to pick the multitude of runner beans that fil is fretting about!
Thanks so much indeed for all the info and advice. It really has helped.
Just such a heart wrenching time for us all. Such a wonderful man too.x

nearlyrich

OP you sound like a lovely DIL and your family is lucky to have you.

When my dad was ill with terminal cancer I was amazed at how lovely people were, they didn't just say "let me know if I can do anything" they said things like "I have arranged a rota to care for (my) children after school until you can get home from work" as my parents were my child carers. It is really hard to tell small children that they are going to lose their granddad (or whoever) but it important that they do know because it is less traumatic than suddenly they are gone.

I hope you manage to get all the help and support both financial and practical that your family need in what will be a very tough time.

smithyjules

nearlyrich wrote: »

OP you sound like a lovely DIL and your family is lucky to have you.

When my dad was ill with terminal cancer I was amazed at how lovely people were, they didn't just say "let me know if I can do anything" they said things like "I have arranged a rota to care for (my) children after school until you can get home from work" as my parents were my child carers. It is really hard to tell small children that they are going to lose their granddad (or whoever) but it important that they do know because it is less traumatic than suddenly they are gone.

I hope you manage to get all the help and support both financial and practical that your family need in what will be a very tough time.

Such kind words, thank you. They welcomed me as one of their own from day one and have taught me so much about life, about the kind of parent I now strive to be to my children. Any small thing I can do is a tiny way of showing my gratitude. Mum in law finds it hard to let people do things for her so hopefully we can ease her in gently as the news gets around to friends and the support comes in.