Need Help / Advice

Tiddlywinks

unholyangel wrote: »

It actually can

When depressed you're more likely to see the bad in everything (such as thinking your partners son hates you). Cognitive behaviour therapy gets them to think more positively/program their brain to look for the good rather than the bad and thus ending the depression cycle.

There you go... There IS a cure after all - get on with it everyone... Think happy thoughts . Simples!

Back to the original question, this is a big change for your OH's son... How are you preparing him for the change of home / carers etc. Are OH's parents paving the way?

I agree with the posters who say to speak with teachers, health professionals etc who know his personality and his limitations.

This will take a lot of time... don't force it.

How supportive are OH's parents? Could you discuss your fears with them?

Why did they have their GS with them? These reasons might help understand your OH's behaviour as well.

j.e.j.

wkdboi wrote: »

Hi All,

Okay let me start at the begin, Back in Oct 2011 I starting chatting to a Girl online, We met up and had a good date, and a few more after, Anyway due to personal situation I was being evicted from my place and she offered me to move in. I did, She told me she had A/S and that she had a 6yo son from a previous RS.. Anyway for reasons her Son lived with her folks...

So we've been together 2 years now and We have her Son every 2nd weekend, He has Autism too, quite bad atm...

Anyway so we live together and have her son with us sometimes for a week if school holidays, Her son absolutely 100% hates me, He cries if I ask him to do something, even the most basic of tasks, He cries if I stand in the bedroom while she puts him to bed, He cries if I try and dress him after bath time.. He is generally being a nightmare.

She of course blames it on me not knowing how to look after her Son and that I either shout at him or I'm too naging in my nature,

Here's the problem She is 4mnths Pregnant with my child and we are soon due to move to a new place which will be nearer her parents and her son, He is also going to be moving in with us, once we get settled...

I am at a loss as too what to do, because I know if she makes a decision it will be her Son over Me.. And I will then be a weekend dad which I don't really won't I would also probably miss the birth and such.

I am depressed (diagnosed) and am on medication for this.. I just need some advice as to how to proceed, if to Stay with her and try and make it work for the sake of my unborn child or too leave and my kid will miss out on Daddy time as I won't be in their life 24x7

I've tried my best with Her Son, taken him to fairgrounds on the rides he can't go on by himself, tried bonding with him taking him to the Park etc.

We're both out of work atm so it will be a government house in the Northwest UK

All help apperciated

It all sounds a bit of a mess to be honest.

But in terms of advice, YOU need to take care of yourself, before you can start taking care of others, especially a child with behavioural difficulties. You have depression. It can be treated via a number of means. I don't think the person saying think happy thoughts was trying to be flippant, but there's obviously more to it than just trying to be happy. There are a number of options for treating depression, maybe try some and see which one works for you.

In terms of access to your own child, I presume there's other stuff going on with your girlfriend and this is why she doesn't have custody of her first child? Would this play any role in whether or not she'd then have custody of the second child?

Autistic children are extremely demanding (as you know) and don't cope well with change, which is probably why he doesn't like being somewhere else every other weekend. So don't take it personally that the child doesn't seem to like you.

sulkisu

I am going to stick my neck out a bit here, and suggest that not only should you learn about ASD but it sounds as if your partner needs to as well. I do not have an autistic child (there are plenty of parents of autistic children on here, who will no doubt correct me if the rest of my post of pure BS ), but I read a lot about the disorder when I thought my son might be, and I question some of your partners' decisions. You don't mention how old he is, but you say that his autism is severe. One thing that I know with many autistic children is that they are resistant to change. If he is distressed by you being there when he is bathed and dressed, why would she continue to have you there at this time or let you attempt to get him ready after his bath. Taking him to the park and fairground is unlikely to work in the same way that it would for a non-autistic child - in fact, if he finds your presence hard to handle in the house, being out with you alone must be a complete nightmare for him, even if he doesn't have the words to express it.

There is a lot going on, and your partner might need to think seriously about uprooting him to live with her at this time. New house, new carer-giver, new baby, new father figure is probably too much for a severely autistic child to cope with at once.

Also, I don't not think that suggesting ways for you to manage your depression is going off topic. Dealing with an autistic child is difficult enough, let alone trying to do it while battling depression.

itsanne

I agree with the advice above but just want to add a reminder that you said your partner has similar issues. You may find taking specific account of that helpful too.

Kayalana99

unholyangel wrote: »

It actually can

When depressed you're more likely to see the bad in everything (such as thinking your partners son hates you). Cognitive behaviour therapy gets them to think more positively/program their brain to look for the good rather than the bad and thus ending the depression cycle.

Have u ever been depressed?

Currently 8months pregnat and only ever been depressed whilst pregnat but my horomons are all over the place and I am crying my eyes out for absoulty no reason - their is no 'thought process' other then everything is just to much...yet half an hour later I can be myself again and the things that bothered me when I was down don't anymore.

Depression is not a 'bad thought' its an actal feeling....like you can be happy for no reason you can be depressed for no reason.

unholyangel

Kayalana99 wrote: »

Have u ever been depressed?

Currently 8months pregnat and only ever been depressed whilst pregnat but my horomons are all over the place and I am crying my eyes out for absoulty no reason - their is no 'thought process' other then everything is just to much...yet half an hour later I can be myself again and the things that bothered me when I was down don't anymore.

Depression is not a 'bad thought' its an actal feeling....like you can be happy for no reason you can be depressed for no reason.

I have. Twice. And from what you've said, you're experiencing mood swings as opposed to depression where the bad times can last months or even years....they dont change half an hour later.

Its misunderstood by so many.

CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) is recommended by GPs for people who are suffering from actual depression. You may be dubious but what I posted above has been tried and proven to help battle depression.

wkdboi

Her ex partner took her to family court over custodey as she has had MH issues and even had Social Workers invovled in her life and her Son's though this stopped a year or so ago, once her parents got giving the child by Court Order, with view to placing back with Mom when she was settled.. he has know me over a year now and in the begining he was alot better than he is towards me now.

He used to say hello, ask me to do things for him, used to let me read to him at bedtime, but this has all stopped in the last 4/5 mnths....

I am working through my depression in my own way with the docs "when they want to listen/offer treatment that is"

Partner went on all the earlybird course when she was with her Ex so I am guessing she should know whats best, although her blaming me I think is also rubbing of on her Son, cause he can see the tension I believe and he loves his Mommy.. His mental age I am not sure, he is into all the babyish stuff maybe >2/3 yrs mentally although he is quite advanced with Computer so uncertain

nlj1520

I would be wary of trying to assess a mental age of someone with autism....they have quite specific difficulties and may be like anyone else in other areas. So suggesting one age may distort the picture of that person.
Is it possible that your partner's son is sensing your depression and that it distresses him? One theory of autism is that people with ASD are overwhelmed by other people's emotions because they are so sensitive to them and that therefore they choose to withdraw from the world. I know my son does not like being around me if I am stressed or worried.
If that is the case with your partner's son getting your illness treated may improve the situation. You talk about a poor service from your doctors, but have you tried anti-depressants? Have you told the doc the full situation? If you have and they are not helpful I would suggest changing doctors. There are also branches all over the country of a charity called 'Carers UK'. They are there to help carers and I am sure they would help you.
I second the poster who advised preparing your partners son for the big changes that are coming. We use something called 'Social stories' to help my son with things he finds difficult. These are very simple sentences backed up with photos or symbols of what is going to happen and when and what the person can expect. We laminate the ones for my son so he can refer to them again and again. They need to cover what will happen, in what order and who will be there. And we add some re-assurance too. We have done ones for when he moved house, when he had to go have an anaesthetic and when he phones me and I can't take the call.
uncertainty is a HUGE source of stress for people with ASD and if he has overheard some of the future plans and is uncertain what they all mean for him this could alter his behaviour.
all the best of luck.

I know that laminating and printing are only easy if you have the equipment but usually an office services place will do it for you. Not expensive.

Wellyboots6

wkdboi wrote: »

He used to say hello, ask me to do things for him, used to let me read to him at bedtime, but this has all stopped in the last 4/5 mnths....

You say your partner is 4 months pregnant?

I have only ever worked with autistic children, I have none of my own, therefore I can't really comment other than to say that the above looks quite significant to me.

wkdboi

katy721 wrote: »

You say your partner is 4 months pregnant?

I have only ever worked with autistic children, I have none of my own, therefore I can't really comment other than to say that the above looks quite significant to me.

He started acting out way before we knew she was though, as in 2/3 mnths before so more likely 6mnths