Need Help / Advice

wkdboi

Hi All,

Okay let me start at the begin, Back in Oct 2011 I starting chatting to a Girl online, We met up and had a good date, and a few more after, Anyway due to personal situation I was being evicted from my place and she offered me to move in. I did, She told me she had A/S and that she had a 6yo son from a previous RS.. Anyway for reasons her Son lived with her folks...

So we've been together 2 years now and We have her Son every 2nd weekend, He has Autism too, quite bad atm...

Anyway so we live together and have her son with us sometimes for a week if school holidays, Her son absolutely 100% hates me, He cries if I ask him to do something, even the most basic of tasks, He cries if I stand in the bedroom while she puts him to bed, He cries if I try and dress him after bath time.. He is generally being a nightmare.

She of course blames it on me not knowing how to look after her Son and that I either shout at him or I'm too naging in my nature,

Here's the problem She is 4mnths Pregnant with my child and we are soon due to move to a new place which will be nearer her parents and her son, He is also going to be moving in with us, once we get settled...

I am at a loss as too what to do, because I know if she makes a decision it will be her Son over Me.. And I will then be a weekend dad which I don't really won't I would also probably miss the birth and such.

I am depressed (diagnosed) and am on medication for this.. I just need some advice as to how to proceed, if to Stay with her and try and make it work for the sake of my unborn child or too leave and my kid will miss out on Daddy time as I won't be in their life 24x7

I've tried my best with Her Son, taken him to fairgrounds on the rides he can't go on by himself, tried bonding with him taking him to the Park etc.

We're both out of work atm so it will be a government house in the Northwest UK

All help apperciated

pandora205

How much do you know or understand about ASD? In many areas there are workshops or courses for carers and parents, so it may be worth enquiring about these, and they might help you understand and change your approach to your partner's son.

It might be useful to look at the NAS website as there is a lot of information there:

http://www.autism.org.uk/living-with-autism/understanding-behaviour/behaviour-guidelines.aspx

Guest101

Your partner is simplifying a very complex problem.

Her son has lived with her parents for (it sounds like) a long time, any child will struggle to swap to a new person in a short amount of time. In particular children with such disorders.

Having a go at you is abit unneccessary - but remember her hormones are going to be abit over the place now too

Macca83_2

I'm in agreement with the above posts. You obviously want to be involved with your unborn child and partner. You need to learn about asd. It's not as simple as taking him to the fair ground or to the park. That would be just the same as saying your depression can be cured by thinking happy thoughts.

You seem like a good soul. You just need help in learning to deal with asd

unholyangel

Macca83 wrote: »

I'm in agreement with the above posts. You obviously want to be involved with your unborn child and partner. You need to learn about asd. It's not as simple as taking him to the fair ground or to the park. That would be just the same as saying your depression can be cured by thinking happy thoughts.

You seem like a good soul. You just need help in learning to deal with asd

It actually can

When depressed you're more likely to see the bad in everything (such as thinking your partners son hates you). Cognitive behaviour therapy gets them to think more positively/program their brain to look for the good rather than the bad and thus ending the depression cycle.

Macca83_2

Ah yeah. Learn to anticipate and break bad behavioural patterns before they begin. Still not convinced that a depressed brain has the strength to do so! I think that works more for the common man!

mumpig

Hi
well this thread went of topic quick! op is asking for help dealing with an asd child, not on how to manage his depression!
As helpful posters have said you need to get some information on general traits of asd, each child is very different on how the asd afects them, but do some reading (the nas website above will get you started) and look for local support groups, early bird sessions etc. If the child is in a special school ask his teacher for a meeting for advice & ideas.
As a starter, stop trying to interact with him. Part of his difficulties is with social communication and interaction, a stranger (sorry but at this stage you are!) trrying to "bond" with him will probably be making him scard, anxious and confused. Just try to be "in the room" stay silent, try to adopt a calm, detached manner. When speaking keep all words to a minimum, as he may not be able to process large amounts of speech e.g. "get your shoes" or even "shoes" depending on his ability, count to ten, to allow processing time and calmly repeat the instruction.
This detached, minimalist approach should help to begin to defuse his anxiety, but do some research and get advice on how to progress from here, and good luck, a few techniques and more knowlegde will made a massive difference to how the two of you interact and move on to becoming a family unit.

FBaby

In the meantime, just leave the disciplining to his mum and focus on building a relationship with the child based on positive reinforcement until he can trust you, you understand his needs better and eventually, you can act more like a parent towards him.

keep_flyin

Echo what others say, learn about autism and show you are willing to try with your step son. If you can, see if you can go on a course run by the National Autistic Society, as a mum to a 16 year old with high functioning autism this really helped with giving me strategies. He is not being a nightmare, he is communicating in the only way he knows how that he is not comfortable.

One of the most valuable things I have learnt with my child is that all behaviour is communication. Take a step back and work up to doing bedtimes and things like that when you are in a proper routine as a family. Remember that routine is vital to an ASD child, maybe when he moves in start with one thing that you and he do together (something you both like) and take it from there.

I feel from your post you want this to work. Hope you can get it to.

nlj1520

One of the most powerful ways to build a bond with a child with ASD is a technique that used to be called 'Special Time', I think it may now be called 'Intensive Interaction'.
I am sure it has developed and refined since I used it with my son, but in those days you set aside an hour to be with the child. You indicated that the time had started by saying 'For the next hour this is your special time and you can do whatever you want and I will be here with you'. During that hour you keep interactions to a minimum and avoid any words that are not purely descriptive. So if the child picks up a blue ball, that is what you say. Not even trying to encourage them to do something with it. The aim is to reduce anxiety by placing no demands on the child. They can just react and 'be' with you. Obviously if there is a safety issue you need to stop them, but otherwise be as free as possible. On one occasion my son made me get into my bed and force fed me pears at a great rate. At 10 minutes before the end of the session, you say 'In 10 minutes your special time will be finished'. Then again a reminder at 5 minutes and finally 'When I count to 10 your special time is over'.
When the session is finished just carry on normal life.
Something else that may help is to find a way to communicate that doesn't use language.....signing or symbols have been a HUGE help with my son.
Good luck, work hard at it and I am sure things will improve.

marisco_2

I agree with other posters who suggest learning more about your partners son. The autistic spectrum is huge and every child who has this condition requires their needs to be approached differently. The societies mentioned can give you general advice and may prove to be useful. However I would recommend talking to those closest to this child, his current full time carers, his teacher, any person who works one to one with him or who has been involved with his care over the years. This will go a long way to improving your relationship with him over time.