Dealing with diffcult toddler

shortdog

Corelli wrote: »

What I found rewarding and helpul in the long term was to get on the same level as my children, make eye contact and help them give words to the difficult feelings. Given, of course, that you know what the trigger has been. For example your child might be frustrated about not getting a treat. Acknowledge that they would have liked an ice cream, and that it is sad. They need to have their emotions validated. Then try and move on from there without responding emotionaly yourself. Explain that you cannot hear with the screaming and can they tell you the problem? Reassure with hugs and try distraction with something else interesting. Hang on in there, this stage does not last long and when they get the vocabulary and emotional maturity .. ha! you move onto the next issue. Our job as parents is to help them gain that emotional maturity.

Don't get too close - I still have a faint scar on my nose where my daughter bit it when I tried this. I think she learned a few new words that day:mad:

Ignore it, as others have said. Once she's calmed down, give her a hug, let her know that you understand (I know you're annoyed because Mummy said no to the sweeties, but it's nearly tea time etc), and move on. She'll get past this phase and move onto something else equally annoying (usually the "why" phase):rotfl:

fluffnutter

Reward charts are useful but in very limited circumstances - they need to be about one aspect of behaviour, e.g. I want you to not get out of bed at night, or I want you to clean your teeth properly each day, and not about general 'naughtiness'. They also work better with older children who can understand consequences a bit better. Imagine for a moment that you're a two year old who's asked each evening or on returning from nursery 'have you been good today?'. What does that even mean? What constitutes 'good' in your child's mind? It's all too vague, plus she won't remember half of what's happened that day, plus her natural instinct will be to say 'yes' whatever's she's been up to. If there really is one aspect of her behaviour that concerns you, you have to deal with it there and then, and ignore/punish/time out immediately. You can't have some vague concept of reward charts, there's simply not enough correlation between behaviour and mummy putting a sticker on the wall at that age.

Having said that, it sounds pretty normal to me. Not sure there's much point in punishing normal toddler behaviour. She'll learn in her own time, regardless of the battles you have with her. So you can either make the next few months stressful by an endless cycle of yelling/rewarding/ignoring/praising or just go with it. Kids are hard work, little buggers.

I think at that age distraction's the best thing.

fluffnutter

pukkamum wrote: »

I dont believe in rewarding good behaviour, good behaviour is a must not something done for reward.

That's one of the problems with reward charts - they make children overly goal-oriented. And ones that reward with money... yikes! They make kids very materialistic. It's not always easy but it's better for their emotional development if they can learn to behave well because of its intrinsic value - i.e. it's nice to behave well, it feels good, it makes the people around you happy, it makes you happy etc. Not because you can buy something.

fluffnutter

One last thing.. it's totally normal that she behaves well around others and is the sign that you have a happy, well-adjusted, well-behaved child. She's just testing her boundaries with you - it's a completely normal part of her development.

notanewuser

I don't think DD's ever thrown a proper tantrum (*touches wood!*). She'll be 3 in a few weeks time. When she throws a mini strop (usually when she's exhausted but doesn't want to go to bed) I move away from her and let her know where I'll be when she's calmed down. That's it. It takes about 20-30 seconds for her to calm down and come to me for a cuddle.

I don't like naughty steps, reward charts or anything else. Not wanting to use them may well have meant I've parented in a way so as not to need to!

DigForVictory

Theoretically, you're in charge. When you're crackered, there are three other things that needed doing 10 minutes ago & so forth, it's Very Difficult. As well as doing the ignoring, can you put DD in a playpen (or any safe environment) and just hide for a couple of minutes so You have a break?
As it's very tough being a Good Parent!

kafkathecat

fluffnutter wrote: »

That's one of the problems with reward charts - they make children overly goal-oriented. And ones that reward with money... yikes! They make kids very materialistic. It's not always easy but it's better for their emotional development if they can learn to behave well because of its intrinsic value - i.e. it's nice to behave well, it feels good, it makes the people around you happy, it makes you happy etc. Not because you can buy something.

I'd just like to second this. So true.

YORKSHIRELASS

Oh dear, I remember it well. My son - now a calm, happy and well adjusted 14 year old was king of the temper tantrum. So yes ignoring it is key but for this to work you have to ignore it every time and keep ignoring it until its over. If you absolutely have to speak to her just say "I am not speaking to you until you are calm" and keep repeating that. When the tantrum is done let it go, make friends again and move on.

I am a huge believer of positive parenting. Big it up when she behaves well and play it down when she behaves badly. For example notice if she is playing quietly with her toys (there is a huge temptation to run off and clean the bathroom or something in these circumstances) but a quiet ooh thank you arent you being a good girl this afternoon really helps get the message across.

Sometimes you can intervene before a whinge becomes a full blown tantrum but often there is nothing you can do about it. Dont feel like you are a bad parent, especially if she winds you up, tantrums are awful and I have been known to put my son somewhere safe and shut myself in my bedroom for five minutes to calm down.

When mine were little there was a popular book by Christopher Green called Toddler Taming and I remember it being really good. Not sure if its still around these days but it might be worth a look.

liney

At home I would immediately say 'No, that's enough,' in a very stern voice and walk away, as a I knew he was safe.

I did use the 'naughty step,' later, but for behavior not tantrums.

The look and the tone were usually enough to stop him. Even now at 9, he knows I means business when 'that's enough.'

Wellgood

Thanks for all your replies. The general consensus seems to be ignore and this behaviour will pass. I'll let you know how it progresses!