Fed up

Kayalana99

Oh I misread. Have poker on brain today.

aileth

No no not gambling, its a gaming app called steam. She asked because it was weird for him to be on at that time and she knows I've been a bit doubtful, just looking out for me I suppose.

I suppose the expression you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves is appropriate. I don't want our relationship to go down the pan or for me to resent him, but I can't force him to do anything. I've got all of the household finances and affairs on my mind already and having to mummy him is pushing me over the edge.

I normally watch cat videos when I get so stressed, but to top it off our ISP is in meltdown (just went down an hour ago) and my phone can barely take posting here never mind video streaming! Sob.... Supposed to be dieting, but where's the wine?

paulineb_2

aileth wrote: »

No no not gambling, its a gaming app called steam. She asked because it was weird for him to be on at that time and she knows I've been a bit doubtful, just looking out for me I suppose.

I suppose the expression you can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves is appropriate. I don't want our relationship to go down the pan or for me to resent him, but I can't force him to do anything. I've got all of the household finances and affairs on my mind already and having to mummy him is pushing me over the edge.

I normally watch cat videos when I get so stressed, but to top it off our ISP is in meltdown (just went down an hour ago) and my phone can barely take posting here never mind video streaming! Sob.... Supposed to be dieting, but where's the wine?

Youve posted before about other issues as well that youve been dealing with.

And it seems like youve had a lot on your plate

I dont know what to advise to be honest, Ive suffered from depression due to work issues and even though it was mild it had a massive impact on my life

A year ago I was stuck in a horrible job, not sleeping and all over the place, on anti depressants, which I asked for

This week I get out of my bed at 7.30 am and Im in the gym doing double classes

What I mean is, Im the same person, but when you are low you are low and the most small thing can seem like the end of the world, I know what its like to spend a lot of my day doing nothing very productive, wasnt laziness, just you dont have the oomph for anything and thats very hard to explain when people havent been through it

Im not a lazy person but at my worst, getting out of bed, showering and going to the shop for a paper was a massive achievement

And there are no magic wands either. If your husband has supportive GPs great, mine werent.

However, I do think you do need to sit down at some point and decide whether you can live like this. The only person who I affected was me, I didnt have a partner, I had no one supportive apart from my family and things passed. Ive been through rough times, recovered, been back to rough, recovered and so far so good this time things are fine

But I was so low a year ago I went to my GP and demanded help because I could not go on feeling as low as I was

You can support him, but if you fall into the role of carer, of the person who picks up the pieces, you might end up with your own mental health suffering as well, you cant make everything right for someone, at some stage they need to want to change their life

Also I agree, getting mad and not cooking wont help, it will just cause more angst in the long run

I do think you need to take a step back and really have to be tough and say, well if you dont want to go to your GP, fine, I'll be here no matter what but I wont be clearing up for you if you cant do x y and z, you need to want to try and help yourself as well.

And if he doesnt want counselling, well its not for everyone. Its certainly not for me, I dont like it, it never made me feel better.

Medication did and I was only on them for 6 months but it helped me massively. You cant drag someone to the GP if they dont want to go, there has to be the want to change their own life

And you need to live your life as well, as a partner, it must be exhausting having to worry about someone all the time. Depression isnt an easy thing to go through and the toughen up and pull yourself together, isnt always that easy either.

DigForVictory

Tonight, order a meal. You choose. And open a nice bottle. Drink as much as you need.

Then write down all the reasons you are still in this relationship. Even the silly little ones you might not tell a friend but he'd recognise were he well enough.

If he has a mix of untreated depression & grand theft auto five (oh dear heavens) then you can take a few steps. Like frogmarch him to the medics. Into the consulting room even, although you're well advised to leave him there with bus fare home.

Try to get the depression seen by someone who can help him.

Then shrug. Breath out. You have done bl*ody well. Now it's time to enjoy the rest of the day you've had to take off, and meet up with friends for lunch & gossip, see a film, catch a yoga class, arrange a really good alibi -whatever You Want to do.

When he takes the meds, gets a bit of physical exercise, says thank you - inwardly cheer!

When he doesn't, and you're thinking about the kitchen knives or just how good that alibi is looking, re-read why you are still there. Don't laminate it. Tear stains are reasonable. Edited to add is reasonable. Just use it to help yourself get through a bad day.

It's a rotten situation, no messing. So open that bottle, then uncap your pen.

All the very best.

j.e.j.

Are there reasons he doesn't take his meds or see a counsellor? Perhaps the side-effects of the anti-depressants are unacceptable or he didn't get on with the therapist.

He needs to start building up his seratonin again, bit by bit, or he'll end up in a downward spiral of not wanting to do anything at all.

He goes on computer games because he prefers it to doing other things, I think it could be a simple as that, really.

There's so much help out there for people with depression (I'm assuming he has been diagnosed?) For example, books, online help, CBT, therapy, medication, and so on. A very good book I can recommend is the Paul Gilbert one, called Overcoming Depression. He also has CDs available.

aileth

j.e.j. wrote: »

Are there reasons he doesn't take his meds or see a counsellor? Perhaps the side-effects of the anti-depressants are unacceptable or he didn't get on with the therapist.

He needs to start building up his seratonin again, bit by bit, or he'll end up in a downward spiral of not wanting to do anything at all.

He goes on computer games because he prefers it to doing other things, I think it could be a simple as that, really.

There's so much help out there for people with depression (I'm assuming he has been diagnosed?) For example, books, online help, CBT, therapy, medication, and so on. A very good book I can recommend is the Paul Gilbert one, called Overcoming Depression. He also has CDs available.

Meds, he just kept forgetting. He hasn't gone back for a re-prescription. At one point we were making so many appointments with the counsellor that they basically told us he was blacklisted because he was wasting their time (rightly so to be honest). Thankfully the surgery closed and reopened so he has a fresh start.

He was really nervous about seeing the counsellor as he has trouble opening up to me, nevermind a stranger, but he went twice and said when he actually went he had nothing to worry about and she was very good, so I don't know why he hasn't been again.

marisco_2

It must be very difficult for you to not feel able to reach your husband. Like everyone else what you want is to have an equal relationship whereby you both carry the load, not one as you say where you feel as if you are mothering him. That is totally understandable and I doubt deep down that this scenario is what he really wants either.

I do wonder if the reason why your husband has not text you today isn't because he is having a tantrum or ignoring you, but because he feels embarrassed and low that you caught him out whilst he was enjoying some escapism from his problems. It may just have made him think and brought some horrible realisations about where he was at and what he was doing to the forefront of his mind. I really feel for you, it sounds like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders, on top of all this worry about him. I hope that you two can work this out aileth.

HPoirot

aileth, I have been going through a rough patch for the last year or so and have been finding it harder and harder to leave the house. I went to the GP who gave me antidepressants, but couldn't be bothered ringing up to arrange for the counselling appointments he referred me to. I was so despondent it was unbelievable, all I did was stay in bed surfing the net and lurking these forums. All day!

I recently ditched the pills and started taking vitamin D and B supplements, I'm not sure if it's willpower or the vits working but I feel more determined to turn my life around. I now plan the day ahead and try to stick to my schedule, if I didn't I'm sure I'd end up in bed again with the laptop...

The thing about the GP and counselling etc is it made me focus on my despondent / vegetative state instead of giving me some get-up-and-go which is what I needed. Sometimes being forced out the house for a purpose helps better than all the pills and the counselling. And TBH, I would have appreciated it if my husband had used some tough love on me, put his foot down and told me to sort myself out and go out and find some work or something. He hasn't done that because you try to be gentle and !!!!!foot around someone who is suffering from depression.

It is hard taking the first step, but if your OH had something productive, beneficial and rewarding to look forward to everyday, then his attitude towards his condition might change. Maybe you could set him tasks like doing the weekly shop? Oh and don't be afraid to put your foot down, I'm sure with hindsight he will see it as his saving grace.

aileth

HPoirot wrote: »

aileth, I have been going through a rough patch for the last year or so and have been finding it harder and harder to leave the house. I went to the GP who gave me antidepressants, but couldn't be bothered ringing up to arrange for the counselling appointments he referred me to. I was so despondent it was unbelievable, all I did was stay in bed surfing the net and lurking these forums. All day!

I recently ditched the pills and started taking vitamin D and B supplements, I'm not sure if it's willpower or the vits working but I feel more determined to turn my life around. I now plan the day ahead and try to stick to my schedule, if I didn't I'm sure I'd end up in bed again with the laptop...

The thing about the GP and counselling etc is it made me focus on my despondent / vegetative state instead of giving me some get-up-and-go which is what I needed. Sometimes being forced out the house for a purpose helps better than all the pills and the counselling. And TBH, I would have appreciated it if my husband had used some tough love on me, put his foot down and told me to sort myself out and go out and find some work or something. He hasn't done that because you try to be gentle and !!!!!foot around someone who is suffering from depression.

It is hard taking the first step, but if your OH had something productive, beneficial and rewarding to look forward to everyday, then his attitude towards his condition might change. Maybe you could set him tasks like doing the weekly shop? Oh and don't be afraid to put your foot down, I'm sure with hindsight he will see it as his saving grace.

Yes, I have been really scared to say anything what might be seen as 'harsh' or tough love because I don't wanna send him deeper...

Last night though I gave him both barrels, told him to get his sh*t together, get to the bl**dy doctor, and I've had enough of him suffering and not doing anything to help himself, that I can only mummy him so much and that he needs to grab things by the balls, get moving, get off his butt and get it sorted.

Was actually really surprised with his response, really positive and acknowledging, and to be honest he seemed a lot more receptive than when I've had a quiet, gentle word.

Maybe he likes a bossy domineering woman lol

Ronaldo_Mconaldo

aileth wrote: »

I'm probably going to look like an uber b*tch here but I'm so angry right now I need to let it out.

Had a friend talk to me this morning, ask whether my OH was working today. I said yes, of course, why, she responded that he was online on an online gaming site. He didn't start work till late, so I told her this. Anyway, I text him five minutes later to remind him of something for him to tell me he was out walking the dog at that moment. I asked him how he was doing that and playing online games at the same time and no response. I'm paranoid about this as he is well-known for sodding off duties to sit on the PC and he had a lot on his plate this morning.

He has ignored me all day. He normally texts me 20-25 times a day and nothing, like he is having a tantrum because I caught him out. I'm literally at my wits end with this.

He has depression, but has stopped point blank going to the Doctor or Counsellor and tends to use it as an escape clause for 99% of things, e.g. "I didn't do X because I felt so down so I sat on the PC all day." Of course escaping to another reality helps, but it's becoming so frequent I'm getting really fed up. However, I feel like a complete and utter b*tch for doubting everything he says as sometimes I really do think he's taking the P.

Any advice? I am certainly not cooking his dinner tonight :mad:

Is this your 'other half' or your child? Reading this makes me more glad to have a wife like mine. She's lucky if she gets one text a week from me and we don't stalk each other to find out what we're up to.

Give the guy a break. He's probably terrified of you and plays online games as an escape.