Fed up

aileth

I'm probably going to look like an uber b*tch here but I'm so angry right now I need to let it out.

Had a friend talk to me this morning, ask whether my OH was working today. I said yes, of course, why, she responded that he was online on an online gaming site. He didn't start work till late, so I told her this. Anyway, I text him five minutes later to remind him of something for him to tell me he was out walking the dog at that moment. I asked him how he was doing that and playing online games at the same time and no response. I'm paranoid about this as he is well-known for sodding off duties to sit on the PC and he had a lot on his plate this morning.

He has ignored me all day. He normally texts me 20-25 times a day and nothing, like he is having a tantrum because I caught him out. I'm literally at my wits end with this.

He has depression, but has stopped point blank going to the Doctor or Counsellor and tends to use it as an escape clause for 99% of things, e.g. "I didn't do X because I felt so down so I sat on the PC all day." Of course escaping to another reality helps, but it's becoming so frequent I'm getting really fed up. However, I feel like a complete and utter b*tch for doubting everything he says as sometimes I really do think he's taking the P.

Any advice? I am certainly not cooking his dinner tonight :mad:

Jox

Is he taking any medication? My OH has been taking anti-d's for a few months and it's been helping him.

It can have a band-aid effect though and it would be better to address the root of the problem.

We discovered in the last few weeks that my OH has dangerously low vitamin D levels and had gladular fever at some point that we were unaware of so that could have been contributing to his pain, lethargy, depression etc.

If your OH is feeling crappy, it's frustrating, but he needs some sympathy too, it's not his fault.

Mojisola

Jox wrote: »

If your OH is feeling crappy, it's frustrating, but he needs some sympathy too, it's not his fault.

Lying to aileth is his fault.

Jox

We've all told white lies to our partners, my OH has called me some weekends if he's out at work and asked what I'm up to and I tell him I'm cooking / cleaning when I'm really lying on sofa watching tv cos I'm exhausted but I don't want him to think I'm lazy

Thankfully there are no cameras or spies in the living room that I'm aware of...

aileth

I know it's not his fault, I've always be sympathetic but lately I've just got the feeling he's been milking it and using it as an excuse.

He was on medication, but hasn't been for a few months as he "...can't be bothered...", and this is where I feel like a b*tch thinking how I do. I'm very much of the mind where I don't have much sympathy for people who don't help themselves. I've booked him appointments, gone with him etcetera, and in the back of my mind there's a niggling thought that he's avoiding going so he can still use the excuse.

He only talks about depression or brings it into the equation when it seems to benefit him. I know I sound like such a complete cow, but the way he's been recently is making me full of doubt. Another recent example was him splurging on a forbidden credit card to 'cheer himself up', but I couldn't be angry as I put myself how I feel when I'm feeling down and would be tempted to do the same, it's just lots of occasions adding up.

heartbreak_star

He needs to get back to the docs pronto.

Not sure what else to advise, but can give a *hug*.

HBS x

fake_smile

Maybe instead of getting angry with him and questioning what he does throughout the day you should take some time and discuss the situation with him? Punishing him with no evening meal is probably not gonna help either! Are you both happy in this relationship? Have you asked why he is not seeking medical help?

Jox

It's hard having a partner who seems to need mothering, my OH can make me feel like that, I've been to so many doctor appointments, specialist appointments, physio, MRI, accupuncture with him over the past 5 years, trying to get to the root of his problems, always there for him holding his hand, and when I catch a cold or hurt myself he always seems to make a point that his pain is greater than mine....sometimes we have to take a step back for the sake of our own sanity - don't bail him out financially, put yourself first, do something nice for yourself, let him sort himself out. Have a rant, hopefully will make you feel better xx

aileth

heartbreak_star wrote: »

He needs to get back to the docs pronto.

Not sure what else to advise, but can give a *hug*.

HBS x

I know, but what can I do? I can't force him at all. I don't know if the lie this afternoon is linked to his depression, but there's been many an occasion where he's done similar and later when I've asked why its 'because I felt down so sat on PC and didn't wanna admit to doing nothing.'

Recently there is so much 'I didn't do x because I was down', 'I forgot X because I was down', etc. maybe it's the way he says it, but the way it comes out just doesn't feel genuine.

When the depression was at its worst, he'd never talk about it unless I did, and certainly never used it as an excuse.

aileth

fake_smile wrote: »

Maybe instead of getting angry with him and questioning what he does throughout the day you should take some time and discuss the situation with him? Punishing him with no evening meal is probably not gonna help either! Are you both happy in this relationship? Have you asked why he is not seeking medical help?

I have discussed it with him countless times. This is the first time I've got really angry. He's not seeking help because he 'forgets' to book or if I book it for him he 'forgets' to attend, which I got out of him before that he didn't forget he just didn't want to go (probably too busy gaming)

FBaby

Give yourself a break. Sharing your life with someone suffering for depression who seem to do nothing to help themselves is very tough. It is totally normal that you should feel frustration and annoyance.

I think the best thing you can do is be totally honest. Tell him that it does frustrate you that you know he has been on the games when he should be doing other things, that you understand that he feels low and unmotivated, but that you don't feel he is taking any steps at all to try to get better and that worries you because you hate seeing him like that. Say that you are supportive and want to help him, but that he has to want to help himself too. That you are prepared to swallow your frustrations as much as you can, but that he needs to show you some sign, however little that he is going to do something about his situation, if not for him to start with, for you as that will show you that he still loves you and you need this to be able to help him back.