heartbroken to face it.

verysmall

I am new to the boards and super scared and ashamed. On Wednesday morning, my DH emailed me from work to say that he had checked the bank a/c and we were £2995 overdrawn. We have a £2500 limit and we are in the reserve currently.

We still have dd s to make this month, a loan payment of £200, food, fuel and an MOT to pay for. We have already paid the cc bill minimum payment of £150, most of which is interest.

He works full time, and we have 2 young children under school age and I have two older teen children from my first marriage. I dont work and have been a stay at home mama for the little ones. Before they came along, I worked for a charity around school hours. We were managing fine-ish until about 6 months ago when we changed the living arrangements for the older children to spend 50/50 time with each parent - a change from our home as being primary residence.

Therefore we lost nearly £450 a month in child maintenance for both and child benefit and tax credits for one. My ex works full time for an international company and has spent the 10 years since our divorce building his career as he has been relatively free of younger child caring years. We are now in financial distress. I dont mean to blame anyone, just trying to outline our circumstances and how they have changed.

On Wednesday, I called StepChange after coming here in floods of tears. They went through everything with us, and we are bringing in less than is going out and that is the minimum priorities of rent, utilities, transport and food. Nothing else. Not even enough to pay the debts everymonth without more borrowing.

I told my DH that they put together our budget and that we should open a new account away from the one with the loan and overdraft, so that his wages can go in there and pay the priorities. And that we should make token payments :( He is such a proud and private man - he tries to take care of all of us and we just havent been able to manage. We live a pretty simple life, no gadgets really or extravagant buys - we buy nearly everything second hand as an ethical choice we made when we married 5 years ago, but the car needs new tyres or the washing machine breaks or or or...

I am heartbroken. And I feel it is my responsibility and he is just devastated. Not with me, but the circumstances and how they seemed to run away with us.

We have £14,000 of debt that we cant pay.

Yesterday we opened a new account together as StepChange explained. Last night we both cried and cried and shouted and cried and I dont know how we are going to get through this. He is very clear that we WILL and we are to stand together and face it and do what we can to change it, but I am just horrified with what I have brought upon him through a change of circumstances and not working now so I cant help. Not working was a joint decision, but I feel helpless.

I am just about to print out the token payment request letters and I dont think I have ever felt so worthless.

Not sure why I am writing all this down - maybe to get some advice or experience from other people that have been down this road and are making things better or maybe just for me as a reminder never never to spend what we havent got.

wegle

Didn't want to read and run. You've made some great positive steps. Remember there is always a solution. You and your husband are in this together and together you will get through it. This forum and stepchange will be with you both to help and support along the way.

Growurown

Hi verysmall - even your name tells me you are feeling down at the moment. We had £48,000 worth of debt and we both earn and my OH is on very good money. We took advantage of the good times when credit was easy and almost shoved down your throat. Recession hits and we start to struggle and eventually ended up where you are now.

We've been on a debt management plan with Step Change for two years now and it has been a real lifesaver. We set a realistic budget so we have enough to live on and slowly the debts are coming down. My OH found it very hard too, and hasn't told anyone in the family of our situation as he is too embarrassed.

There are so many people in the same boat. You are not alone. Come and visit us on the DMP mutual support thread. You will get loads of good advice and support from the guys over there and because we are all the same there is no one judging you. Things will start to get better. Once your DMP gets under way and you are back in control of your finances you will feel so much better. It won't be long until your children are in school and you can start to look for work yourself. Don't beat yourself up for getting into this position. It is so easily done and you aren't the only ones, plus you are dealing with your debt and committing to paying it back, so in my books you are one of the good guys!

cocoloco

Hi 'verysmall'!

My heart gone out for your story- we were in simular situation earlier this year- but with £48.000 in debts!!! I found the help on a DMP (Debt Management Board) board priceless, also the support and encouragement from the fellow members. You done well to stop the problem before it got worse and you are also lucky that you got your OH on board, your children and your health.

Take a step back and look at the bigger picture- you will be paying back your debts but at a slower rate and TBH most creditors are greatfull that you try rather than just run away.

Get your letter to your creditors with £1 token payment for a couple of months- this will give you a chance to buid up an emergecy fund.

Also, important- put it in the letter that from now on you only want to be contacted in writting and ask them to remove your phone number from their database. This will give you peace and quite for a while you have a chance to put everything into motion.

Good Luck- we started our journey in February- with DMP starting in April and everything worked out very well- wish we had done it years ago!!!
Don't forget- they (creditors) can't have what you don't have (money) a you will be paying back you rdebrs just at a slower rate!

harrys_dad

One thing this board will tell you is "you are not alone". Taking the first step is the hardest, and you have done that. Well done.

carol1963_2

Hiya, Well done for taking the first step, it's hard to admit and I like you felt very ashamed and scared and yes I've cried buckets to. I also contacted Step Change and am waiting for them to come back to me with my plan.

You will find some excellent support from all the girls/guys on this site, perhaps we can keep one another's spirits up.

onamissionEU

Hi VerySmall, well done for taking the first steps to a new life (that is EXACTLY what it is once you are debt free). Debt is modernday slavery and I guess you can appreciate that right now.

Remember though that it is never as bad as it may seem. They can not take from you what you don't have, they can not put you in prison, they can not take your kids beds (or even your kids for that matter!). You WILL beat this and come out of it the better - remember the important things in life like family and friends. You may well feel small and ashamed but you are not alone - we all make mistakes and you are now facing up to yours. That's a huge step.

Make sure you stay in regular contact with all of your creditors and Stepchange - you will find most of them understanding. And be honest - that goes a loooooong way. Be firm and don't let yourself be bullied. Request that ALL correspondence is done in writing.

Good luck, you will get through this.

youknowthis123

I was in your position last week, so lost, alone and ashamed. A week later I have made some big decisions to get debt free. Namely opening a new bank account, and setting up a DMP with Payplan.

Also I should note that having read through the forums for a week or so, I have seen much much worse and messy debt stories than yours, so I think this is certainly something that you will be able to manage. Thats just my view on your situation. remember we are all here to support and not judge.

Hope that helps!

YKT

heartbreak_star

Nothing more to add really, verysmall - but this DMP will allow you to actually live rather than just existing.

Good luck!

HBS x

thoughtsaboutbudget

Take as much time as you need to digest your situation. After letting everything sink in, set out your plans. You have the option to find an income source and to get a loan from any firm that offers low interest rates and start all over again. I guess time will really help you with it.

nomunnofun

Not often on this board (the last time myself and many others were swept along in a futile tide by someone who simply did not want to listen!).

verysmall - Your post is very typical but you have made exactly the right choices by contacting stepchange. It may not be reassuring if I told you that I have come across many worse cases than your own.

The only thing I can say definitively is that you, at this point in time, have absolutely no idea how much better you are going to feel in a month or so when your DMP is up and running. I am sure there are many who can vouch for this. Stay strong!