What to do? A little advice please.

dibuzz

Claire212 wrote: »

He only just manages to get him to school ontime, and sometimes he is late.

That could be one of the problems then. One of my sons always worried about being late as it is recorded on the school system and can go against you for school trips, prom etc.
OP's son may just not like being late for school.

katepnlo

You have my sympathy. I can't offer advice, but I am going through the same with my children (17,14,11,8)

It is so difficult! Since we split up nearly 6 years ago he has had them most weekends, besides the ones he has to work on.

The eldest one chooses where she stays, usually at her dads friday night as she works in his town every saturday. He has no issue with this.

It is with the others we have issues with.
daughter aged 14 started wanting to stay here on some weekends once she went to secondary school and now my son has started has started secondary these requests are coming from him too.
They request that they want to see friends and have some choice in where they stay.
Dughter aged 8 has been expressing for the last year that she doesn't understand why she can't spend some of her weekends at home here.

The 14 year old has said many times she wants to do alternate weekends, which the younger to hear and express the same.

But they are now too scared to mention it to ex as he gets defensive, if I mention this he gets very angry and tells me they have no choice it is his time at the weekends.

We communicate by text as he is unwilling to meet to discuss the kids, so it becomes impossible to have a discussion.

I understand he loves to have his children at hs house, but at what point should arrangements be adjusted? I don't know.

As mum you only ever want to do what is best for everyone involved, but of course our children's thoughts and feelings are most important to us

barbarawright

I used to stay with my dad at weekends and frankly it was an utter pain - sleeping on a camp bed, no proper study facilities, none of my own books and stuff. Fortunately it wasn't a formal arrangement so I just stopped but I can well understand why teenagers are reluctant especially as homework starts to take over.

cef66

I agree with Dibuzz, on two counts. Firstly children of that age, especially boys, do not want to be seen being dropped off by a parent - very uncool.
Secondly all schools monitor lateness and at his age there are often punishments for being late. My eldest is 14 and he would get a warning, then after school detention if he was late for no reason. My 10 year old would get 2 warnings, then a short lunchtime detention. At the very least his teacher would make their disapproval clear. As a teacher I would expect a 13 year old to apologise if they came in late, not a great way to start the day !
It's not fair on your son to be worrying, even once a fortnight, about whether he is going to make it to school on time and this may be contributing to his decision.
Your son needs to sit down with his dad and ask to be dropped off earlier. I can't see why any reasonable parent couldn't get up and out earlier once a fortnight for the benefit of their child. That should be part of the deal for having him. If he can't manage that then he should lose the sleepover for a school night and it's not up to you to replace it.

balletshoes

Claire212 wrote: »

As for dropping him off in the morning to walk with his friends, that would be possible but I doubt he would do it. He lives quite far from the school and we live in the opposite direction the other side of the school. He only just manages to get him to school ontime, and sometimes he is late.

Thank you for all your views so far. Although how flexible his Dad will be is another matter I think. Lol.

being dropped off at middle/secondary school, by a parent, and sometimes being late because of that, would be enough for my 12-year old to not want to have her Dad drop her off in the mornings.

As that and that alone seems to be the sticking point, I'd suggest you and your son going back to Dad and discussing this issue - as it could all be solved by Dad either driving son some of the way so he can walk into school in plenty of time and then meet his friends, or dropping son off at yours in the morning, as has already been suggested.

JimmyTheWig

Dunroamin wrote: »

We're talking about once a fortnight here - not every day!

Friendship groups can be fickle.
It could be that the walk to school sets them up as a group for the day. In which case the OP's son then feels left out of the group for the whole day.

Claire212 wrote: »

As for dropping him off in the morning to walk with his friends, that would be possible but I doubt he would do it. He lives quite far from the school and we live in the opposite direction the other side of the school. He only just manages to get him to school ontime, and sometimes he is late.

I have no sympathy with the dad for this.
I admit that when I am in charge of getting the children to school on my own that they are not always on time. But that is a rare thing and so there is no routine to get into.
In this instance the timings will be the same every fortnight. He just needs to do everything 15 minutes earlier than he does currently.

Claire212 wrote: »

The problem is that he is demanding he gets another night, at the weekend, but this means that we will miss out on being able to go out as a family and for him to bond with his little sister (from my current relationship).

If he went on a Friday night and was dropped back at school time on a Saturday morning (i.e. the same arrangement as currently but a day later) then you could still go out as a family that weekend and he wouldn't be missing too much bonding time with his sister (who, presumably, he sees 13 days a fortnight).


You've all got to do what is best for the child. You've all got to make sacrifices. If that means his dad gets up 15 minutes earlier once a fortnight then so be it. If it means that your family has to wait until 10am before going out once a fortnight then so be it. It really doesn't matter.

barbarawright

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

You've all got to do what is best for the child. You've all got to make sacrifices. If that means his dad gets up 15 minutes earlier once a fortnight then so be it. If it means that your family has to wait until 10am before going out once a fortnight then so be it. It really doesn't matter.

Seems that at the moment it's the child making all the sacrifices. Missing out seeing his friends in order to spend time with a dad who seems mostly interested in point-scoring.

FBaby

Claire212 wrote: »

FBaby. With respect, I feel that my sons feelings are my priority. It is not simply a matter between him and his father, as his mother it very much concerns me.

So if your son were to say that he wants to spend every Saturday and Sunday with his dad because he wants to start an activity, and you were not happy with it, would you say that it is ok for his father to get involved and dictate that the change should take place?

I had not even picked up that it was once every two weeks. As a mum, I would be much more concern if my child felt under pressure by his friends to never miss walking with them in the morning or that he could be made fun of because once every 10 days he is dropped by his dad. Surely THAT would be a form of bullying?

I feel the dad's frustration that he is made to feel he has no say on a matter that concerns him directly. At 13, a child should be able to discuss such thing with a parent without needing the other parent to intervene. If my kids came to me with the same issue, I would tell them to go and discuss it with their dad. What happens when they are with him are for them to deal with as long as I don't think they are not suffering any harm of course.

FBaby

I don't think children should dictate how their lives are run but their wishes should be listened to.

My typo, I meant to write that I didn't agree with the statement.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

My typo, I meant to write that I didn't agree with the statement.

Why not? We saw it as part of their education for life to look at things they would like to do, discuss the pros and cons and decide what's reasonable.

Mum and Dad always had the final say while they were young but, when they were older, they had the tools to work through their own decisions.

As a couple as well as a family, we take the line that if one person really wants to do something and it would only take a minor adjustment to the others' lives to accommodate it, it is reasonable to make the change.