What to do? A little advice please.

Claire212

My son's father and I split up years ago. Although we do not have a good relationship as things ended very badly he has always had a relationship with his Son and we have mostly remained on civil terms with regards to him.

He has overnight stays, Thursdays one week and Friday and Saturday the next. We split the school holidays.

This arrangement has worked ok for us, and until recently our son.

He will soon be 13. Like any boy this age his friends are important to him and he has expressed that he no longer wishes to stay at his Dads on the thursday night as he can not walk to and from school with them and feels as though he is missing out on the 'before school stuff'. His Dad drops him off at school pratically at the bell.

We discussed this with his Dad, and his response has been shocking. At first he did not believe it was for our son and asked for him to tell him himself. When our son did he accused me of telling him to say that anyway.

He insists it is all to do with money, he has him for 104 nights a year (agreed in mediation) and the CSA has always worked out the payment amount based on this on his instruction so that we all knew where we stood. This would take 18 nights from him and put him essentially in another calculation. In reality he has never had him for 104 nights of the year as he usually only has him for 2 nights during the week holidays instead of 3 because of work issues.

The problem is that he is demanding he gets another night, at the weekend, but this means that we will miss out on being able to go out as a family and for him to bond with his little sister (from my current relationship). He has told our son that it is only fair he gets him 'back' for the other night and has completely ignored his requests.

Has anyone else had this problem and how did you solve it without being heavy handed? I don't want it to get messy again and we can't afford a solicitor. But I hate to see my son upset.

Kayalana99

Kids and their ideas..would rather walk to and from school with his friends then see his dad.

Can't you suggest something like his Dad drops him off at yours so he can still walk with his friends?

Unless their is some underlining reason he doesn't want to be at his Dads it seems like the most obvouis solution...

19lottie82

At 13, your son can make his own decisions about when he sees his Dad. He cannot be forced to spend extra time with him, if he doesn't want to.

Are you sure there isn't more too this, than you are letting on? It seems a trivial reason to want to not spend the night at his dads, especially if they have the good relationship that they claim.

However, I can understand why his father is angry, he prob feels hurt, and it's easier to think that you have influenced his sons decision not to spend time with him, rather than the fact, that he has made the decision off his own back.

I'd suggest that

1, you speak to your son and tell him he's maybe being a bit selfish. his dad loves him and has made plenty of sacrifices for him in the past, so for him to "ditch him" just so he can walk to school one extra morning a fortnight is a bit of a poor show. how would he feel if the situation was reversed?

BUT at the end of the day your son is old enough to make his own decisions in situations like this, so if he insists then he should speak to his dad and tells him how he feels (if he is old enough to make this decision, he is old enough to explain it to his dad himself, to a certain degree), instead of leaving it to you.

and 2, can you work with his dad to maybe reach a compromise, so he can see his friends in the morning? like someone else suggested, get him dropped at your house in the morning, so he can meet his friends?

If he does cut back his nights, can you not leave the maintenance as it is, just to keep the peace? It won't be much after all, will it?

dibuzz

13 is a funny age, could your son be being teased about his dad dropping him off? At that age my youngest would walk through torrential rain rather than have a lift off mum.
As others have said could he be dropped off at home to walk with his friends?
As for "demanding" another night, what does your son want? Any discussions about this need to involve him and he may change his mind a few times.
Ex needs to realise that your son is a teenager, not a possession.

pmlindyloo

I suspect this is going to be the beginning of the contact arrangements 'going to pot' as your son may not be so keen to visit his dad every weekend as he grows older.

I think it may be now that you and your ex need to have a sensible discussion about contact arrangements and how they might change now your son is getting older. There will have to be some 'give and take' because otherwise their relationship may become very strained.

When you have had the initial chat with your ex about the need for all of you to be more flexible, then you need (if at all possible) to both sit down with your son and discuss the way forward. Being flexible won't mean, for example, your son not giving adequate notice/cancelling at the last minute contact with dad.

In your initial contact with dad I would make sure he understands that this is not about money and if the visits get less often because of your son becoming more independent then rather than changing the child support arrangements dad could give son some extra money or pay for something else. (may not need to mention this at all - depends on how amicable you can be towards each other)

Errata

Children are not cashpoints!

If your son is old enough to decide what he wants to do he's old enough to discuss the matter with both of you together, as you're on civil terms with each other.

Claire212

No, there is nothing more to it than walking to and from school. But I wouldn't go as far as to say they have a good relationship. Just that he spends time there and sees his Dad.

He is old enough to make this decision, this is the problem. His dad doesn't think it is HIS decision no matter who tells him. Our son has told him he doesn't want to, as I said. He thinks it's all me and down to money, but as I put in the post he doesn't have him the required amount of nights anyway, he never has, and I have not reported this change to the CSA anyway. I would have left it as it is. As I have done for the past few years.

As for dropping him off in the morning to walk with his friends, that would be possible but I doubt he would do it. He lives quite far from the school and we live in the opposite direction the other side of the school. He only just manages to get him to school ontime, and sometimes he is late.

Thank you for all your views so far. Although how flexible his Dad will be is another matter I think. Lol.

Mojisola

Claire212 wrote: »

As for dropping him off in the morning to walk with his friends, that would be possible but I doubt he would do it. He lives quite far from the school and we live in the opposite direction the other side of the school. He only just manages to get him to school ontime, and sometimes he is late.

Thank you for all your views so far. Although how flexible his Dad will be is another matter I think. Lol.

Seeing as the whole thing could be sorted out by Dad getting out of the house 15 minutes earlier, the ball's in his court.

If he wants his son to stay with him, he should get up earlier. If he doesn't, his son won't come - and he won't be able to force him to.

19lottie82

Mojisola wrote: »

Seeing as the whole thing could be sorted out by Dad getting out of the house 15 minutes earlier, the ball's in his court.

If he wants his son to stay with him, he should get up earlier. If he doesn't, his son won't come - and he won't be able to force him to.

This ^^^^^

Can you not arrange for the three of you to sit down and work out a compromise together, then the Dad, can't accuse you of being selfish and manipulating when by the sounds of it, it's actually him that is wanting everything on his own terms, without offering any flexibility?

Claire212

Although, I have to say that we have civil conversations about our son. We do not have a good relationship.

My son means the world to me, and that is the only reason I speak to the man.

The talks we have had so far have been fruitless.

19lottie82

Claire212 wrote: »

Although, I have to say that we have civil conversations about our son. We do not have a good relationship. My son means the world to me, and that is the only reason I speak to the man.

Well bite the bullet and arrange the meeting then.

Have a chat with your son first and talk about what he wants to get from it.