What to do? A little advice please.

Brighton_belle

19lottie82 wrote: »

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Are you sure there isn't more too this, than you are letting on? It seems a trivial reason to want to not spend the night at his dads, especially if they have the good relationship that they claim.

I don't think it is a trivial reason at all. I think that time with friends walking to and from school is one of the building blocks of successful and happy adolescence / school years. And definitely way above "daddy" dropping you at school at 13.

FBaby

He is old enough to make this decision, this is the problem. His dad doesn't think it is HIS decision no matter who tells him. Our son has told him he doesn't want to, as I said

My DD is 13 and I would agree with this statement at all. They can inform the relevant parent of their wishes, but it doesn't mean it has to be bowed to.

As for dropping him off in the morning to walk with his friends, that would be possible but I doubt he would do it.

That is an issue between his dad and him.

To be honest, I think things have gone sour because you've got involved when you didn't need to. Your son should indeed have discussed it with his dad rather than you and they should have come up with a solution or compromise together.

Personally, I think that spending a night with his father is more important than missing out on ONE day walking with his friends in the morning and I'm with the dad if he were to tell him that he will try sometimes to drop him off earlier, but can't promise it every week.

Claire212

FBaby. With respect, I feel that my sons feelings are my priority. It is not simply a matter between him and his father, as his mother it very much concerns me.

Kefi

This is just the age when 'previous arrangements' go belly up. As a child who went through the organised visits etc I can confirm that this is the beginning of the end. I was forced to 'do' what had been arranged. You must both not forget, that had you both still been together this change would have happened. It is called growing up.
At 15 I got a Saturday job. I thought my parents would be happy and proud for me wanting to bring in my own income etc. But all it did was create more problems. Both sides seemed to be totting up hours and money, weekends here and there. Also I was told about not seeing much of my little (half) sister..bonding more with her. But even in families that stay together there comes a time when the older sibling flies off for a bit. In the end I moved in with my Nanna (Dad's mum). She was great and sent them all packing and removed all the stress and guilt from my busy life. As for my little sis. Yes, we did have a few years where I grew away from her, but that was to be expected. There was 9 years difference. Now however, we are all grown up and as thick as thieves. What I want to say is that it all will pass, but your son needs another family member from both your side and his Dad's to support his cause and come to an amicable arrangement.

Dunroamin

Brighton_belle wrote: »

I don't think it is a trivial reason at all. I think that time with friends walking to and from school is one of the building blocks of successful and happy adolescence / school years. And definitely way above "daddy" dropping you at school at 13.

We're talking about once a fortnight here - not every day!

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

My DD is 13 and I would agree with this statement at all. They can inform the relevant parent of their wishes, but it doesn't mean it has to be bowed to.

I don't think children should dictate how their lives are run but their wishes should be listened to.

If what a child wants is impractical or the parents have good reasons for not agreeing with their ideas then that should be explained to the child. If there isn't a good reason, why not change things?

We've always worked as team - final decisions have been taken by us as parents but our children knew they would be listened to and their suggestions given consideration.

Sometimes actions speak louder than words and the son could be thinking - Dad only wants me here because it saves him money - he's not really interested in me and my life.

FatVonD

Could the ex take him out for pizza/to the cinema/whatever on Thursday nights and drop him back to yours rather than take him back to his house?

I see this situation from both sides, both with my son not wanting to spend time at his dad's and my DH's kids preferring to stay at home because that's where their friends are. It's not about preferring one parent over the other but their 'home' town is he one where their social life is.

Once they're teenagers you have to approach contact in a different way. Last Saturday afternoon we went to DH's home town to meet his son for his first (legal!) drink in a pub on his 18th birthday but then we came home because he wanted the spend the evening out with his mates, not out with us, and good luck to him!

Being a parent is as much about preparing them for the world and watching them fly as it is about nurturing.

Toto

FBaby wrote: »

My DD is 13 and I would agree with this statement at all. They can inform the relevant parent of their wishes, but it doesn't mean it has to be bowed to.

That is an issue between his dad and him.

To be honest, I think things have gone sour because you've got involved when you didn't need to. Your son should indeed have discussed it with his dad rather than you and they should have come up with a solution or compromise together.

Personally, I think that spending a night with his father is more important than missing out on ONE day walking with his friends in the morning and I'm with the dad if he were to tell him that he will try sometimes to drop him off earlier, but can't promise it every week.

I really agree with this.

Brighton_belle

Dunroamin wrote: »

We're talking about once a fortnight here - not every day!

True, but to a 13 year old, it is still significant. I just don't think its "trivial".
And dad could solve this by a little bit of flexibility himself dropping son off at home 1/2 hr early "just once a fortnight".

Claire212

My son is very much happy with the suggestion of going for the evening and returning home. His Dad however still wants the night replacing.

We chose to move to this house for him. We live 5 minutes away from the local park where the kids play, and he has school friends on the street and to the streets either side. They walk to school as a group.

Considering he was bullied at his last school and had very few friends, I love to watch him head off with them every morning chatting away.